Drive-through Therapy

Psychotherapy has taken an idea from the fast-food industry: drive-through therapy. There are bugs that need to be worked out like...well, you'll see.

Drive-through Therapy

 

-Sir, how can I help you?

-(sobbing) My wife left me and I don’t see a reason to go on.

-Are you thinking of harming yourself?

-I’m not suicidal, if that’s what you mean, but…

-Please pull forward and someone will bring you a therapeutic message in a few minutes.

-Therapeutic message?

-Pull forward, sir.

-Okay. (pulls forward and waits five minutes before a worker comes out to his car)

-I apologize for the wait, sir. We’re pretty swamped today.  Are you going to be okay?

-No, I’m not going to be okay. And why does the guy behind me get to talk to the lady at the window and I have to pull forward?

-We can’t disclose confidential information, sir. I can tell you that his situation was more life-threatening than yours.

-Whatever. Alright, now that you’re here, can you stay with me for awhile? Please just stay and talk to me. I need some hope, some reason to go on living.

-Just for a minute or two…we’re really busy. How are you feeling right now?

-Like I’ve been repeatedly punched in the gut. When you find out your wife has not only been cheating on you with your best friend, but with random guys for years, it’s hard to stomach. 

-Are you thinking of harming yourself?

-I wasn’t thinking about it before, but…now I am thinking about harming myself. Yes…I think I am.

-Do you have a plan?

-Sure. I might just drive my car off that bridge over there.

-You might do it or you have a plan to do it?

-I have a plan!

-Sir, the cars behind you need to move forward. Can you pull into one of those spaces over there? I’ll send my manager out to talk to you.

-Not a chance! I’m going to sit right here until I can get some help.

-Sir, my manager just texted me a therapeutic message for you.

(reading) Marital infidelity is one of the most difficult situations in life. Betrayal is a loss which must be grieved in stages. Be prepared to experience a mixture of anger, anxiety and depression after the initial shock subsides. If your depressive symptoms escalate to thoughts of self-harm, please call our emergency number which is 918-555-2312.

-(policeman walks up) Buddy, you need to move your car to one of the parking spaces. You’re blocking other vehicles.

-But officer, I have a plan to kill myself.

-Suicide is against the law, sir. Plus you’re blocking a business entrance. Please step out of the car.

-(steps out, crying)

-Hands behind your back.

-I just wanted to talk to someone.

-You can talk to the judge. You have the right to remain silent…

-But…

-You don’t listen very well. I said the judge…talk to the judge.