Babylonian Skull Cure

Ancient Babylonians believed a skull placed on the abdomen could cure a stomach ache. I wanted to try it myself, but it's really hard to find a skull.

BABYLONIAN SKULL CURE

 

Archeologists are finding new details about the everyday lives of ancient peoples all the time. One recent find from the Babylonian era was the skull cure. In Babylonian society, the skull of a dead person was thought to have both magical and curative properties. In 2017, unearthed cuneiform tablets were found containing written accounts of the wonders of the skull cure. Over six thousand years ago the skull cure was state-of-the-art medical practice, liberally prescribed by the shamans of the day. Below is a fragment found on a tablet containing a shaman’s directions for use of the human skull in treating various illnesses.

For illnesses involving the digestive system, place the skull directly on the abdomen. Correct placement of the skull is essential. If placed too high on the abdomen of a female, the breasts will shrink, leading to fewer proposals for marriage. For men, placing it too low on the abdomen could result in penile shrinkage, which could result in fewer second dates and ridicule during gym class. For rashes, vomiting and fevers, kissing the skull works best. Refrain from kissing the skull in the presence of one’s spouse, as this could stir jealous passions and result in the skull being smashed... your skull, not the magic one.   

Within an ancient Babylonian home

-Honey, where is our skull? I can’t remember where I put it.

-I told you you’d lose your skull if it wasn’t tied on… didn’t I?

-I’m serious. Where is it?

-Why is it the wife’s job to find everything?

-I thought I left it on the night stand. Come on… please, help me.

-Sweetheart, I have no idea where your silly skull is.

-What do you mean your silly skull? It’s our skull and it’s not silly.

-No, it’s your skull, and it’s silly to the point of ridiculousness.

-(whispering) Quiet! Have you forgotten the skull has the power to hear us?

-Ox dung.

-I’m your husband and I’m telling you it can hear us. So please just watch your mouth and help me find it. Please, my stomach is killing me.

-Perhaps if you didn’t eat like a camel you wouldn’t have so many stomach problems. Drink some water, darling. That idiotic skull isn’t going to help.

-I told you, don’t speak negatively about the skull! It’s listening!

-Nonsense.  Besides, what if it could hear me? What’s it going do, kill me? Gee, I’m scared, look at me, I’m trembling in my sandals. Honey, the skull is stupid. Hear that? The skull is stupid! 

(from the back room of the house)

-Never mind, honey! I found it! 

-…

-Sweetheart! I’m sorry…I apologize! I know…blah blah blah…I need to start remembering where I put things. Hey, sweetheart?

-…

-Honey?!

-…

-Oh my God.