WHAT TEXAS DON'T LACK

My response to a friends' challenge to write something wholly outside my experience frame--I selected a hip-hop tune--YIKES!

WHAT TEXAS DON’T LACK

It gets hot, mighty hot, on the road in east Texas

It sho affects us

Whinin’ in my beer while I’m ridin in my Lexus

 

And when the sun don’t shine

Den the tornados whine

And I wonder, Lawd I wonder, Where’s the sense that was mine?

 

I be utterly lost

I done counted the cost

Tradin’ hurricanes for ‘naders, all my brains mus’ been tossed!

 

This ain’t no sort of life fo’ a transplanted Cajun!

My soul is ragin’!

Get me some etoufee, some crawdad; don’t need occasion!

De barbecue is good, yah, but hell, what else you got??

Barbecue dry? Barbecue wet? Barbecue mild or hot?

 

I miss me some gumbo!

Fix me a jumbo

Bowl,

with crawdads whole,

and a crusty French roll!

Some andouille jambalaya

To set my mouth on fire

It gets me higher!

Some Cajun, Creole cookin’ is fo’ what I aspire!

 

Wind up da meal wid a hot beignet

Or maybe I ‘druther Bananas Foster, flambé?

Quench all dat heat

Wid something’ sweet

Or a shot of absinthe, neat?

 

But my favorite dessert Commander’s Palace can’t beat!

She’s in the next room,

It’s dark as a tomb!

And she got what it takes to make my heart ZOOM!

 

And I call her Annette,

Got her off the Internet!

Both spicy, and still sweet; my fave dish, you bet!

 

So when I’m in tha kitchen

And I’m for my Cajun bitchin’

It helps to remember for what I’m really itchin’!

 

So for all Texas lacks,

I would never go back

All I really need’s right here, asleep in the back!

 

(oomph-ahh-da boomph-oomph- ahh!) Mark’s out!

 

Author's Note

(Author’s note: Annette and I are, alas, no more, but
the poem is still good, at least as good as an old white
man CAN write a hip-hop tune, anyway!)

Reviews

[1 Deep]

Sounds almost like you're trying to mock hip hop. But, you being (I could be wrong) a southern white guy who can't rap this was kind of interesting. The title drew me in because I lived in TX for a year one year ago and I know all about the heat, hurricane season, and 'crawdads'. This was....unique

[Mark]

Mocking? Never! I was challenged to write a piece in a genre I'd never attempted, and about which I knew little or nothing. I WAS trying to emulate the thumping bass so prevalent in that style of music, with the "ooomph-aaah..." bit at the end, though. All in good fun, I assure you! Dominique seemed to think I pulled it off satisfactorily, and if I add to that your "unique", I will persist in thinking it a (qualified) success!

[Muse]

Oh my...ever heard the saying white man can't jump?

I still applaud you in your efforts, it made me chuckle.

(oomph-ahh-da boomph-oomph- ahh!) PEACE out!

[Mark]

You just need to hear it sung, Beth, before you'll be able to appreciate the unmitigated genius, the sheer virtuosity of it!

[Muse]

I didn't say white man can't write..."rap" I mean. lol

[Dominique Lambright]

I definitely felt that a tune could go to this. I was kind of trying to put one to it as I got the flow of it. This is really good. I liked it because it was fun and the rhyme scheme is interesting but fit so well with each other. And the separation of the words help make the flow even better and easier to add a tune because you can tell where there would be passes and breaths taken. Nice work.

[Mark]

Thank you, Dominique, for getting to this so quickly, and for your kind words. What are "passes"?

[Dominique Lambright]

Oh, lol I meant pauses.

[Mark]

That daggum Spel-Chek will nail you every time, won't it?

[Dominique Lambright]

Lol that auto correct on my phone

[Mark]

Have you gotten the Facebook forward on the most egregious, but hilarious Auto-correct "boners" of all time. You will CHOKE, laughing at what a computer algorithm thinks you ought to be saying!

[Dominique Lambright]

No I havent but I'm sure I would find it hilarious lol.

[Texas Greg]

Aye! Well now that yer here, we got it, eh? Well written and brings good life to your character.

Really good piece, IMO...

.

Greg :-)

[Marie]

Very good. You make me wish I could go back to Louisiania...I love your dialect...

[Mark]

For another taste of writing in dialect, I sent you an RR of my verse, "The Walgreens Blues": Enjoy!

[bob, small b. aka invs]

why couldn't you find a fine woman in nawlins or some other nice louisiana town? then you'd have the best of everything. well, except for those pesky hurricanes.

[Mark]

For eighteen years, I was very comfortably ensconced in Slidell, ten of them with a wonderful woman, until a blowhard named Katrina chased me away. It was while licking my wounds in Bossier City that I was cruelly hijacked to Texas, where my Achilles' tendons were cut.

[bob, small b. aka invs]

last time i was in louisiana was 2 years after katrina. slidell was still pretty torn up even then. sounds like you need to hobble east and get yourself a few good meals.

[Mark]

Sitting at a table at church yesterday (Fifth Sundays at the ch. of Christ: yummmm) reminiscing with my tablemates over crawdads and blue crabs, at a little hole-in-the-wall on US 80, across from BPCC.

[Larry Dyson]

if you think we all talk that way...you may believe we all have horses and cattle in our yards as well...toodles...cute one Mark...beaumont talk" fershure"

[Marshal Gebbie]

Texan "english" is facinating, a regression or perhaps progression from the original,
which, in all truth, is indiscipherable in Merry England anyway!
Enjoyable!

[Lena M. P.]

I loved this but you shore did make me hungry! Just finished off a whole pot of Jambalaya the other day and yes it had crawdads, shrimp, sausage and okra in it to name a few things. This story brought a large smile. I'm a transplant to Texas myself but have been down here for about 40 years so I guess I'm staying. Sorry Annette didn't last but at least you have wonderful memories!

[LA Lorena]

I thought this was most creative and entertaining. Love the sense of humour that shines through in every line. I'd like to see the video when it becomes available! ;)