Old Soldier

This is my first Villanelle, a format I discarded a decade ago, as the repeated lines made the read seem almost trite; I may have to reconsider!

OLD SOLDIER

Now, from the Field I'm fin'ly sent

And view my Soldiers, sick with Woe

My Fame and Fortune all are spent!

 

I cannot tell you where it went,

Nor how it did so swiftly go:

Now, from the Field I'm fin'ly sent...

 

My Fury, it will not relent,

Yet I cannot find aught to throw;

My Fame and Fortune all are spent!

 

I cannot e'en afford my rent!

What next transpires, I do not know.

Now, from the Field, I'm fin'ly sent...

 

From Brussels to Bruges, then on to Ghent,

I tread, forlorn, in knee-deep Snow--

My Fame and Fortune all are spent.

 

God seeks, I think, that I repent--

'til then, His Wrath will o'er me blow.

Now, from the Field, I'm fin'ly sent:

My Fame and Fortune All are spent!

 

March 6, 2009, 3:20 am

Reviews

[JohnL]

This looks fine to me however, I have one small comment. Your use of the apostrophe to maintain an 8 syllable metre is I feel unnecessary (fin'lly and ev'n) Here I feel you can leave it to your reader to adjust his reading to the ideal fow in a sort of compromise which respects, but frees us from slavery to, metre. Markymark may disagree - if he's listening, I'd like to hear his opinion. I too anm only learning - as are we all.
To me, the definitive V. will always be Dylan Thomas's 'Do not go gentle into that good night' (10) and he varied his metre somewhat.
I felt that your villanelle, because of its subject and its repetitions within proper form paid a very fitting tribute to the generation of wonderful young men of WW1, or the poor misled wretches who followed Napoleon to Moscow but never arrived, even the ordinary soldiers of Germany who had no options. All suffered so much at the evil hands of the power mad and the incompetent.

John

[emmajoy]

I could never in a million years achieve what you have above .. it brings the pleasure of reading the famous traditional poetry I learned at school, work to be learned and remembered for always.

Your theme runs beautifully and somehow makes me feel that 'fame and fortune all are spent' can mean not merely war but life .. that anything can happen in every part of it .. maybe this is a wrong assumption but just my humble thoughts

Mark, as always, your writing is impressive .. thank you for letting me share it.

[Manyfacets]

Call it trite if you are inclined to do so but I love "trite" I call myself a trite rhymer because of a comment made by a friend here who tells me point blank that I'm a terrible writer. It has stopped me in my tracks somewhat but you are a wonderful writer and in my view everything you do is quite profound. This reminds me of "In Flanders Field" In short don't change a thing. It is perfect the way it is...Smiles B.

[Cool Handless Luke]

It's true you don't read too many poems with this style but I like the break from the beaten path and you did very well. The repetitions were perfect to emphasize the true heart of the poem. very nicely done Mark! I am impressed.

Ah, a villanelle. A rarely used style of poetry (I have witnessed before today only one or two) but nonetheless a style I find oddly appealing. I find no faults with the meter, which is usually something I find myself commenting on predominantly, so I applaud you for that, although I do find myself wondering why you chose to write "e'en" rather than "even" in your tenth line. It does not seem to affect the meter any differently to "even" (though this may simply be due to the manner in which I personally read the word, simply sounding it out as "ee-en". Dialect and accent will often do strange things with a poem's meter) and the resulting sound when spoken is unusual to the ear. Or, at least it is to my modern-day hearing. The scene I imagined was one of more modern soldiers rather than classic "knights in armour" ones, so the usage seemed somewhat out of place to me. On a similar note, it did not seem necessary to drop the middle syllable from "finally" in your recurring line "Now, from the Field, I'm fin'ly sent". Most people will drop the middle syllable of their own accord anyway, and only emphasise it when it becomes important to the meter.

Now, I do feel that the poem is extremely well written as it is, but something seems to be lacking as I read and re-read the poem. I cannot quite put my finger on the issue, but I can say as much that it feels as if there is an emotional detail missing, as if there should be a personal wound. A strike that stabs through your narrator and into the reader to drive a message home. I believe that since the "point" of this poem was simply for the author to write a villanelle, you might not have considered this point of view during it's construction. The best poems are ones that leave an impact in the readers minds, and while I will say again that this is an expertly done poem, the reader does not finish reading impressed or dazed and it will not long linger in their thoughts. There is not requirement for poetry to have to make this impact of course, but I just feel that the style and subject were building up to for a strike that by the end, did not happen.

[Lee]

I just reviewed this but it didn't show up in my 'outbox'. Let me know if you got it, Mark.

[Lee]

Greetings, Mark, from the beach. I see a lot in this piece. Since I'm not a poem reader or critic, I look at the message. I relate it to my time period when we returned from Nam and yet glad to return, only to find the world had changed while we were in a bad dream. I see it today with returning soldiers. I see man running from the God who protected them, and yet knowing His wrath would continue. Anyway, I enjoyed this and will return. Thanks, buddy. Keep smilin'...Lee

[cest la vie]

Thank you for suggesting this read.
It is wonderful. The old world style and language has a way of placing the reader right on the battlefield. I see the doughboy sitting, helmet on his knee, looking just out-there, scratching his head (my take on it, could be way off the mark). This is really a nicely written piece. Thanks again!

[Nathan Noble]

Wonderful write! I really like the style. Perhaps you should use it more often. Excellent as always.

[Lizanne]

I admire this writing. Love the wording and the older style feeling. As always you do a fantastic job at anything you write. Thank you for introducing me to this style.