Entombment

I address this to my many broken hearted...BUT NOT BROKEN!...new-found Sisters on this site It bespeaks the pain and fear we, too, feel, but are trained to bury..."down deep"

ENTOMBMENT

Small boys live down deep
Within the hearts of Men who sleep
Alone, but upward creep,

Hoping that their sleep
May unto it's end soon creep,
When voiced are deep

Soul -stirrings, that creep
Toward the Sun, from the deep
Entombment, from Sleep!

Author's Note

An experimental form, combining the Haiku with identical end-words, as in a Sestina...Upon reflection, I find that though Sts. 2 and 3 are 5-7-5, St. 1 is 5-8-6. I will entertain suggestions!

Reviews

[Aimee Mahathy]

Wow. This is amazing.
You kind of -do- get that dank, dusty feel of entombment when so much is locked away inside, refused release for so long. It sadly kind of reminds me of my fiancee.
In a society where every boy is raised to be a man, that man, in turn remains a boy inside.
What a thought-provoking piece! I really enjoyed reading it!

[bob, small b. aka invs]

sometimes thing work for me, sometimes they don't. this didn't. it reminded me of rap music, forcing the same rhyme over and over. that's not saying this isn't a good piece of writing. it just tripped one of my negative triggers. ya can't please everybody all the time.

[Jessica]

great form
flows very well
quite expressive and full of meaning
i liked it

[An owl on the moon]

This was so deeply moving, and the form was brilliantly used. The meaning is communicated very clearly... men do often hide inside themselves, not quite certain how to cope with issues they face... From title to exlamation point, everything about this is amazing. Excellent write, Mark!

[V. Lucien Maier]

Interesting, Nice flow the passage
Small boys live down deep
Within the hearts of Men who sleep
Alone, but upward creep
Is jsut excellent

[R J Askew]

I read the poem first and focused on the content before the form. In fact I didn't notice the form until the second read. I like the notion of a life within and am sure you are right. Having said that I have never been aware of the little boy in me. Maybe I am still not a big boy. I wonder what has become of him? I wonder if he is so deeply entombed I can't even see the tomb.
Form wise, it is intersting variation. I also not that it is almost 3 haiku's or senyarus, I am not sure which but, apart from the first verse is in 5-7-5s. I like the three chosen words, esp 'creep'.

[Rick Puetter]

Dear Mark,

An interesting form. Very creative. And yes, that's what we're trained to do, i.e., hide feelings. Everyone knows this. Men bury their emotions because for some reason they are considered "unmanly". However I think there is a real confusion here between being trained to be strong as opposed to being trained to be unfeeling. The noble quality is strength. How this "unfeeling" part got mixed up with this is a puzzlement to me. (Perhaps there was confusion when the need to be strong momentarily sets aside the inaction and uncertainty that overwhelming emotion can introduce.) Let us continue with this training for strength (men and women alike), since this is a quality needed throughout life, and let's do away with this other madness.

Very best regards,

Rick

[Ellen Hammond]

The style is interesting though it could be tedious to say the least, but works well here to drive the message home. Perhaps we are all from the same planet after all. LOL Seriously, I think we all have a child deep inside that we occasionally allow out to play for a bit and sometimes the child rebels when we try to harness it again. This is a very thoughtful and sweet poem.

[David Lewis Paget]

I don't know about you, but the very fact that you write poetry shows that you are more in touch with your feminine side, as I am, than the average run-of-the-mill male who accepts all those macho precepts. I have never allowed my feelings to be buried, and am not ashamed to cry when so affected. In fact, the older I get, the more easily the tears flow for the downtrodden, put upon people of this world. The only difference I see is that the 'little boy' in me possessed an innocence since betrayed by the man - and the corruption of the world lies heavily on his soul.

[Samuel Dickens]

From birth, we guys are trained to play injured and not complain. We don't cry, either--right? I think your form is just fine--it gets the message across with poetic elegance.

[Sheila Kline]

Mark,
Your format is interesting, but most of all I am truly touched by your admissions of concern from a male's perspective! Yes, many sisters do struggle, and we all are linked in thought and spirit - both male and female.
Thank you for caring enough to reveal your innermost concerns!!