Darkness

More a journal entry than a story.

Lately I have felt separate...I know I have been out with everyone
constantly, but it just feels like I am floating in a different plane,
with a misty veil keeping me from touching down in this existence. I
keep reaching for people, hoping that one of them will see me slowly
fading away and reach out to draw me back. But no one sees. I am
dissipating into the void, losing parts of me that I finally found. It
is like a slight tingling in my body...Like a gradual numbness of the
mind and spirit. I haven't written any fiction in so long...I feel the
pull every once in a blue moon, but the ambition to spin the characters
and weave the story just isn't there. There are stories in my mind that
used to thrash about and wake me, demanding to be written. Now their
struggling becomes more feeble as time goes on. I can feel them slipping
away from me. Perhaps I am meant to disappear? To become a new person,
to lose who I once was? I know not. Even writing this is an effort for
me. I can feel the emotions roiling inside me. I can feel the midnight
blood flowing down the velvet skin of my shadow form as the pent up
anger and despair, joy and delight rent me with their hooked claws of
glistening ebony. The shadow realm is beckoning to me..It's call gets
stronger each time I come to the realization that it needs me. How can I
deny it sustenance? It too must survive to provide balance for the pure
ones, the creatures of the light. I have ever been a child of the
darkness. It's obscurity wraps itself about me and lends momentary
comfort, but it never lasts. Once its false warmth leaves me, I am once
again left shivering in the frigid blackness, alone and longing to see a
light. Sometimes there are stars....They gather together, shining in
the silken backdrop of the night sky. They twist this way and that,
bolstering my spirit and leading me closer to the path which I seek.
Their sparkling light warms me for a period infinitely longer than the
false security of the night. But I would never trade them. I love the
separation of the inky sky. The feeling of being part of a larger whole.
Of being seen, but unseen. All flaws are hidden in the darkness. I
favor the dark for in it I may hide and not be afraid. Some say that it
holds a poison for those who linger there too long. I say that it hold a
nectar sweeter than ambrosia. Each time I sip from that ebon cup, my
eyes darken and my soul awakens to a new aspect of existence. I become
that which I desire most in the world. I am beloved. Needed. Desired.
But most of all, I am seen. I am no longer invisible to the blinded eyes
of those who walk in daylight. The sun burns my image out of their
vision no longer. Through the veil, hands reach to pull me back into an
existence no longer cursed, but now joyous and free. There I may wander
in night or day, content in whichever I choose. No longer must I cringe
from the light. Only emerging from behind my protective walls at night
when the darkness buffers me from ridicule. Such as now. As the sun
crept behind the buildings and the stars forced the moon to the sky, the
words have flowed quicker, darker. I can feel them pouring from my mind
through my finger tips. It is an exotic sensation. One of perfect
release. I am glad that I did not give up. The night has saved me once
again.