Fear

Breaking free.

           The fear was choking the life out of me. It’s two cold hands were wrapped around my heart, constricting each beat. Breaths were growing shallow and quick as my panic continued to rise.

            But I couldn’t let it show.

            I had to fight it.

            How do you fight what you can’t see? What you don’t know? How can you fight your own mind betraying you at every turn? What do you do when your own mind feeds you lies and worst case scenarios?

            If I could pretend it was okay for long enough, maybe it would be. Maybe my heart rate would slow, and my breathing would return to normal.

            Maybe the invisible, frosty grip of fear could let me go.

            But then I realized I was shackled to fear, and it would never let me go. It would be my constant companion until the end. In my resignation I found a measure of solace.

            I would never have resolution, I would never know a day without fear again. Everything in my life was on the precipice of being lost, every day.

            I could lose everything. And it wasn’t up to me anymore. My choice was resignation to the inevitable. I waited for death to take me, my panic rising again as I thought of my inescapable end. Whether near or far.

            A small part of me was screaming for help, but the rest felt the weight of the shackles I wore and knew this was forever. I could no longer be my own ally, and had become my own worst enemy.

            The lies laid quietly in wait for the panic to subside. That’s when they whispered the words that caused more doubt, more fear, more panic.

            That small part of me was screaming, but now because it was angry and it had had enough. Enough of the self-sabotage. Enough of the lies, and the fear. And it was growing.

            The rage was pouring into me like the ichor of the gods, and I began to pull at my shackles. I may not be able to free myself from fear today, but fear’s time was drawing nigh.