Snowstorm

A husband and wife grieve and love.

Snow fell quietly around me as I rushed into the house, loaded down with groceries. The snowstorm that was expected to hit the area was quickly moving in. Dan got the door for me as I stomped my feet on our front step, getting as much snow off of my boots as possible.

“Get in here, lady! It’s freezing out there!” he gently admonished.

“I’m well aware of the weather situation, Dan. I was the one who went and GOT the groceries,” I snapped. He frowned a bit as he closed the door behind me.

“I was only kidding, babe,” he said as he took and armful of groceries from me, lightening my load considerably.

“I know,” I said then sighed, “I’m sorry, it’s just that it is getting ugly out there.” I sat the rest of the groceries on the island in our kitchen, and stared out of the window. Snow was coming down and blanketing everything it touched.

“Kinda weird how quiet a snowstorm can be,” Dan remarked as he wrapped his arms around me in an attempt to warm me up. I gently shrugged his arms from me, and I could hear him sigh a little.

My lips quirked into a strained smile, “I was just thinking the same thing.”

We made quick work of putting everything away: some bottled water, canned food, non perishables, and the like. They were calling for at least a foot of snow in the area, and we’d be in situations like this enough times to know how bad it could get. Trees laden with snow would crack under the weight, crushing power lines that were in their path. Pipes froze, and we’d be left without running water for a few days. At this point it felt like we were veterans of the northern winters, and always took precautions.

Dan lit a fire in the fireplace, as I took my boots and coat off. I joined him in the living room, sitting in a recliner, as he sat on the floor in front of the fireplace. He glanced up at me and softly stroked my calf.

“You know,” he said, a mischievous grin spreading across his face, “it’s been awhile since we…y’know, since we’ve done that thing that we do.”

“Yes, I do know, Dan,” I said with exasperation, bringing my legs up into a cross legged position in the chair.

“Jesus, Sheryl. What do you want from me? It’s been six MONTHS.”

“I just…you know I can’t.” My gaze was fixed upon the fire. I could feel him staring at me.

“I wish you would just let me in to your thought process. You make me feel like a villain. Like I’ve personally wronged you. You brush off all of my touches, you won’t let me cuddle you at night. I’m sorry you’re still hurt. I hurt, too!” His voice was rising in frustration.

My eyes met his finally. “Oh please. You’re not the one who lost a baby!” I said angrily.

“You’re right, Sheryl. You’re absolutely right. I lost my wife and my baby that day. I lost my best friend, too. You think you’re the only one who hurts over this. For a long time I thought maybe you were the only person who deserved to hurt over this, so I let you mourn. I let you share your pain with me, and I held mine in because I didn’t think I deserved to hurt. I do though, Sheryl. I miss you so much. You’re not even a foot away from me right now, and I feel like you’re a thousand miles away. I miss you and I’m lonely. I want my wife back. I want my best friend back, too.” His voice began to soften with the last words he spoke, and it was like I’d been hit in face. He was right. I had abandoned him when I lost our baby. And worse yet, I never bothered to ask how he felt about it.

I stared into the fire again, avoiding his eyes. Minutes passed in silence with him alternately looking at me and back at the fire. I glanced out of the window and noticed how everything was totally blanketed in white, and visibility was being quite affected by the snow which was falling with great speed at this point.

Tears started streaming down my face, my body was wracked with the sobs that came from six months of repressed emotions. I’m not sure how it happened, but I ended up on the floor with Dan’s arms around me, feeling his tears on my neck. I clung tightly to him for the first time since we’d lost our baby, needing his strength and support. We mourned the loss of our baby, and the time we’d wasted �" I’d wasted �" not appreciating one another.

I kissed his lips, tasting the saline from our combined tears, and knowing that everything would be fine again. It would take work, a lot of hard work. Inevitably, it would take time for us to heal together since we’d not done such a great job in healing apart. He pulled back from me and looked into my eyes, wiping the tears away.

“I love you, and I want you to know that. Everyday, even in the hardest of times, I’ve always loved you. I love you more everyday,” he said, sniffling a bit. This bit of information made me cry harder, and cling to his shoulders, my head in his chest, his shirt now soaked with my tears.

“I know it’s an inappropriate time to tell you this, but I want to make love to you again, Sheryl. You know it’s never been just sex for me. I want to hold you close to me, and have you as near me as I can. I want to be unified with you. I want to be whole with you.” He smiled a little smile, and kissed my forehead. I squeezed him tightly, crawling into his lap. He cradled me like a baby, then scooped me up and proceeded upstairs to our bedroom.

The snow was still falling hard as I glanced out the window in our room. I always found it strange how quiet a snowstorm could be.