Closure

I am putting an end what you raged in me!

 

Could I really murder somebody? Of course not
To manslaughter what you did to me, yes
To let you have control would
break my steadfast rules
Having you haunt my dream; rot my esteem
With those words, THOSE WORDS!
(lazy, smart a*s, b***h, good for nothing)
An arrested animal falling to the ground,
you made me...but I'm up now.
I am looking you in the eyes.
I do not want to hear you trying to
 make yourself strong by making me small!
 I am on my way to better things

I have dreams I need to breathe

Fantastic people to meet

Roads to journey on

and I am putting an end

to what you have raged in me!

 

 

 

                     

Author's Note

Give it to me straight!

Reviews

[~crazy Beautiful~]

You have a creative way about your writing
these lines
"I am looking you in the eyes.
I do not want to hear you trying to
make yourself strong by making me small!
I am on my way to better thingsI have dreams
I need to breathe
Fantastic people to meet
Roads to journey on
and I am putting an endto
what you have raged in me! "
nice message here
i enjoyed this piece very much
nice work
thank you for entering my contest

[Emel Kay]

Ok, I'll give it to you straight as an arrow.
The subject of the piece is a very solid and plausible statement: I will not have you make me feel small for your benefit, and I will not stoop to your level, you jerk. Oh, and I don't like what you call me. Those emotions course through this poem and I don't think there are any problems with that.
However, some of the language is confusing. Take the second line for example, where you say "to manslaughter what you did to me, yes". After a second reading I understood what you were saying, but the double 'to's in there hung me up a bit, perhaps revise that line.
Also, the exclamation points. You should be able to make the language yell on its own, it shouldn't need you to give it a loudspeaker. Same with the all caps. Your language should yell at us, your language should scream to the reader, and you do it a dis-service by giving it crutches when it can already run. I'd think about taking out those pesky !!!'s and caps all together.
I like this piece, I think it's singular and unique, and with a little wiggling it will be solid.

[amanda_joy]

cathartic! I particularly enjoyed the rapid fire of pejoratives in the middle. This gives it a real marching thumping rhythm that builds from the beginning.. then the release in those stepping up to "looking you in the eyes" and the flight to "Roads to journey on".. if I am completely honest I wish it had ended there rather than turning back in those last two lines.

Potent write Mary! well done..

A.Joy

[ELii]

Lovely write. I have definately been there. I will never let a person define me again. I stand tall. I am definately heading down a new road without the baggage.

[Nicholas Hallows]

I have recently achieved closure and immediately there were a multitude of roads in front of me. I can certainly relate to these feelings. Good write. NH