attachment at its finest

it’s heartbreaking
laying in a bed snuggling up into blankets I used to share with him.
I haven’t yet washed them, but his smell is gone.

I spend most days trying to cling to anything that I possibly can as a distraction because I now can’t be with the person whom I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

at night I half a*s partake in meaningless sex to try and drown out my own god damn heart. the craving for the attention, that I have been lacking, can be overwhelming sometimes.

I never wanted it to be this way, although nobody ever does. no one ever wants to sit there and think, ‘this man is truly breaking me’. constantly wasting my breath, begging him to treat me with the slightest amount of empathy and respect. both of which he was never taught.

I have these moments where I am so overtaken by a good feeling, proud of myself for doing what is best for me. Until the guilt sets in and I’m back to messaging him, apologizing for being so selfish, or harsh and saying that I miss him because I’m still so attached to the person he showed me in the beginning.

whatever I will just continue to find distractions during the day and disrespecting myself at night, at least it will be no different then when I was with him.