The Sweeper's Song

Came from working in a restaurant and seeing the hard lives of some of the waitresses there.

At night the sweepers come out to sing

The heavy song of straw

Swish, swish go the dancing brooms

Like the sweepers' ameliorated grooms

Their faces tired and worn

Lipstick fades as hours pass,

Away from the day's chewing teeth that spit and drink,

water from foggy glass.

Dustpans stir their quiet confessions,

with old french fries and white straw wrappers,

Jessika's baby died at three, they said she screamed for nights,

Swish

Sheila smokes a pack of day, doctors say she's got days,

Swish

Melissa's husband hit her face, she had to escaped to another state,

Swish

Sandy gives massages, needs someone to touch, no one at home but the dogs to love,

Swish

Wipe away the dirt until the floor is clean, sisters,

wipe away all your dusty sins,

Tomorrow you must put on a smile and hide your heavy chagrin.

Author's Note

Form is adventurous..thoughts on if it flows okay?
Thanks for reading! I will read you if you read me =)

Reviews

[alifeacoustic]

Wonderfully written. Reads like a voiceover from an old black and white film. Explaining the background of the stars, the waitresses and sweepers, with soft, melancholy soundtrack.
I love the depictions of the waitresses, not quite described, but you can still picture them with aching feet and all the worries they carry, while smiling through it all.
I really enjoyed this. Thank you for sharing.

[maricoona91]

thanks a lot! I appreciate your opinion and thoughts. I am just starting out actually putting my poems out there and appreciate your criticism.

[alifeacoustic]

You done great, keep it up, And you're very welcome

[Chris]

The very last line comes across to me as not what you meant ...perhaps it is "chagrin". I've known the people you view and heard their words, walked their lives - most will rise beyond their life's flaws, which is what I felt you were trying to express. But perhaps it's just me...

[maricoona91]

Chris,
I can agree there. This poem should not be a look at the defeat of the women, but rather a look at strong women who go through trials in life which, without saying it, give them power. So I agree that chagrin leaves the poem with failure and embarrassment. Thanks for that critique, I think it should be changed.

[Insight "MH"]

Any words of compliment will not do this justice........ Swish.

Insight.

[maricoona91]

Hi,
Thank you for reading!

[Insight "MH"]

You are so welcome.

[3X3MPLER]

an owesome piece of writing. Am impressed

[maricoona91]

Thank you for reading!

[A. Amos]

Realism at the best...I like the voice you raise for those unheard cries, proud of you as your fellow writer. Simply awesome!

[maricoona91]

Hey thanks, I appreciate it! Sorry I haven't responded, was in a writers block state for awhile =(read moreHey thanks, I appreciate it! Sorry I haven't responded, was in a writers block state for awhile =(

[Relic]

I don't think this needs to flow. I think the story of the waitresses lives is the real strength of this poem. I like the line "Like the sweepers' ameliorated grooms." It shows the routine and mundane act they go through when their thoughts can aimlessly wander and daydream about a life that's better.

Long hours on their feet for small tips can be grueling but the situations for some you've pointed out I'm sure make it all unbearable. The sweep in between each description gives it an affect that puts it all into a sad perspective. People suffer, and the world goes on and continues to spin.

Great job here.

Reic.

[maricoona91]

Relic,
Thanks for your critique! Sorry it has taken me so long, I was in a state of writers block for about a month haha. I definitely am not satisfied fully with the poem because I am a perfectionist, but I'm glad that you feel it was pretty good =)

[Philip Muls]

The sweeping needs to go on, night after night, no matter what happens in their lives. Strong imagery. Indeed good flow. Somehow reminds me of the lyrics of Prince's iconic song 'Sign of the the Times' , please check that out at let me know. Well done.

[maricoona91]

THanks so much Philip! I will check out the song..
The encouragement is really nice =)

[Rick Puetter]

This was very nice. I enjoyed the sweeping of issues to the side. i enjoyed the "Wipe away the dirt until the floor is clean, sisters". An excellent write that was greatly enjoyed.

Best reagrds,

Rick

[maricoona91]

Thanks so much Rick! I appreciate your comments. =)

[TheLostMind]

I think the flow is good here. It's always refreshing to read something new; something different. We all have our problems, yet we will have to keep telling ourselves - "this too shall pass" and get on with it.

I actually loved the way this poem is structured, especially the way you have described sins / problems. It's like watching a movie. Good job :)

[maricoona91]

Thanks so much..I was just thinking the other day about that phrase- "this too shall pass". This poem is pretty pessimistic but I suppose I was feeling that way about their lives when I wrote it. Thanks!