Toes and Rocks

Toes and rocks? They are never compatible. That’s what I believed and I thought I will believe in for my life. Thanks to my mother whom I had chased barefooted when I was five years old. That’s the first time my feet tasted the sweet revenge of pointed rocks. My mother left my father and I at that time. I was too young to understand the ways of the old people that I never realized that my attempt to stop my mother from leaving us was futile. I was too young that I asked too many questions, questions which were never answered. As I grow up, I ceased asking questions. Life has its way of silencing our curiosity and mine was silenced when my father left me for the deep abyss of death. I grew up in the world of fear, afraid to take risks, afraid of suffering. That’s why ‘m at this very spot, pondering about a bitter surprise. The cool water envelops my left foot and I was about to dip my right one when I heard a sweet, melodious, laugh. I searched the area for the source of the sound. My eyes moved from the point where the sea and sky met , to the long shoreline which stretches not far from me and to the span of large rocks around me. There she is , not too far on my left side, a child maybe at the age not more that ten years old , her dark curly hair in a riot contrast to her fair face and wearing a white dress with puffs on shoulders. Her eyes, upon meeting mine were filled with wonder. Then I noticed that she’s… well she’s barefooted! The child slowly approached me and I had to suppress the tears which about to fall just a while ago. Children are full of questions and I know my tears will only raise series of inquiries from the approaching child.

“Where’s your shoes?” I suddenly blurted the question without so much thinking while looking at her delicate feet.

“Shouldn’t you be asking about why im here? Where’s my mom? or who am I? Asking about shoes, that’s so unusual miss”. The child answered as she sat beside me.

“Well I’ll tell you, I’ve got lot of scary experiences for not wearing shoes on walking or running days”. I said.

“When you say scary, do you mean some scars or wounds turning into real life monsters hunting you down for the rest of your life?”

Yeah right my mind silently countered. Those not-so-good memories are lethal that if you dont know how to handle them, you’ll be forever haunted .

“Where’s your mom? You’re not suppose to be here alone, one accident and you’ll… well let’s forget about accidents. Anyway, you need to go home and wear some slippers or shoes to protect your feet then you can come back and join me here. I know your feet are hurting.”

“Nahh. .I purposely walk without those shoes you are so concerned about. And my mom’s right here.”She pointed to her heart. “What about you, where’s your mom?”

I was caught off guard by her question. I remembered my mother.Then things which I havent told anybody came out of my mouth. “Let me tell you a story. There’s this little girl, left by her mom. Then that little girl’s father died too. She was adopted by a good family, sent to good school and now has a good job. But still, she’s a little girl, afraid of life. The pain caused by her parents scarred her much that she can’t live the happily ever after life.Then her prince charming came but she’s afraid that she’s not good enough and so she close her doors when the prince tried to ask for her hand . Then one day, the medicine man told her that she has a horrible disease which will take her eyesight in two months time. Then she thought that if her parents never inflicted her pains she would never grow up as a coward, that she will be happier, that she wouldn’t have a miserable life. She is currently thinking that life is so unfair to her.” Without my knowledge, the tears are there, silently falling as if silence will deny the emotions lurking behind. I looked at the child expecting her to look at me with pity but the child seemed to be gazing at the horizon.

“Have you seen your mom? I’ve never seen my mom but I know that she loves me. I believe that there are reasons for everything.”

I was startled by her reply. The I heard her hum a melody I’ve never heard.

“Always and always, I’ll be by your side

When your tears fall on the ground

Then remember that the ground

Is my handkerchief to absorb your pain

Flowers will then grow to put a smile on your face.”

“The pain you have right now will nourish flowers to make you smile tomorrow. Because you shared a story, I will share a secret. Do you know why I can walk on these sharp rocks without grimacing, without hesitation even with the fact that my feet are hurting? It’s because I’ve embraced pain. I’ve grown accustomed to it and realized that embracing it will make you understand why you have such pain. Then you learn, you live, you cry, you become angry but at the end you’ll smile as you realized the true reason behind. Everytime I walk barefooted, the emotional havoc im experiencing especially when the toys I want are not bought for me,my emotional pain is channeled to physical pain as my toes come in contact with rocks. I forgot the sadness as the pain in my wounds dominate my attention, I,then little by little, the sadness is gone and I have this renewed vigor to hope for the best that is to come. Well seeing the brighter side of life is always the best. You only have two choices in life, either to live with your negative thoughts or enjoy the sunshine of positivism. And one more thing if you do everything together with God, everything will be a fairy tale, full of ups and down but at the end.. tadaa!!! The happily ever after!”

Again, I was totally dumbfounded. Then I heard her say , “Do you believe in angels?”

The question hit me with a deja vu . My childhood memory rush into my senses.

“Do you believe in angels?”, my mother asked me.

“Angels?I dont know. I’ve never seen one,” I answered.

“Dear it’s not matter of seeing but a matter of believing.”

“Then tell me about angels mom.”

“Well, they are those who give extra beat to your heart when the world’s madness tries to snatch your heart’s beating rhythm away”

“Mom, you’re talking in riddles again.”

My mom laughed . “Let’s put it like this, you are one good example of an angel.”

After that memory-recollection, I turn to face the child but she’s gone. I searched the place but I never saw her again even after the next days,weeks and months. Those words the child uttered helped me find my road again. Words are really powerful. Words when thrown carelessly at someone can kill dreams and confidence while positive words can bring spark of optimism to pessimists. On the day my illness claimed my eyesight my last memory was the tears of an angel, the woman who adopted me, my second mother. Darkness had been my friend until such that eye transplant made it possible for me to see again. The first thing which greeted me was the tears of my mother,this time it was tears of joy. Even tears have two faces, yin and yang, happiness and sorrow.

Years passed .I tried to search for my real mother but to no avail. I accepted the fact that some lost things are really lost for good. I also usually go back to that place where I met the child whenever I can hoping to see her. And whenever some unhealthy thoughts entered my mind I usually take a long walk, barefooted.

Now here I am looking at our family picture. All of us are standing barefooted atop a massive stone near the sea. I don’t know why but I requested all of them to peel off their slippers and shoes. And its a wonder no one seemed to appear like they’re suffering from the pointed edges of rocks. My new parents on my left side beaming happily, my father’s hands around the shoulders of my mother, my husband at my right side and my eyes trailed down to the child between me and my husband, our daughter with her dark curly hair in a riot contrast to her fair face and wearing a white dress with puffs on shoulders looking exactly like that child years ago the child who made me believe that toes and rocks can get along well, the child who helped me see that angels do really exist.