vacant and empty

I've almost forgotten
what it is to be alive
while the memories
of broken sleep linger
while nothing else remains

I wear the same boots
that walked in enemy terrority
no emotions remain
left to make me feel
what it means to be alive

The broken bodies of children
haunt my mind every now and then
when I think of my return
to a land that holds death
that holds the unknown

Even my finger upon the trigger
can't even stir a response
like the crackle of a radio
breaking the silence of night
screaming "MEDEVAC, MEDEVAC, MEDEVAC"

While I've listened to the lectures
even read the studies
but they can't see
the burning wreckage
the bloodstained floors

Some have said its survivor's guilt
some have even said its my hero complex
but where are the answers
for even the simpliest questions
Why? Why me?

Why must I be haunted
when will I be free
to escape the memories
stirred by the media
to grab ratings

Every death, another shot
another reminder for me
of the friends I've lost
of the missions I've pulled
as the golden hour slips away

but as I stand here
just a shell, vacant and empty
of who I used to be
while the memories linger
its those feelings that elude me

Reviews

[Hawkmoon]

I like the concept behind the line "I wear the same boots that walked in enemy territory". That's a great way to portray the duality behind what's in your mind and the ordinary world of civilian life. You should use very concrete and descriptive language in describing your experiences because they are very real, those you've had in the Military. Of course, read Hemingway, but have you ever read these writers: Tom Robbins, Thomas Pynchon, Kurt Vonnegut, Salman Rushdie, Umberto Eco, Italo Calvino, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Arthur Rimbaud??? I am an Air Force "veteran" --- non combat, etc --- and I understand the transition to the civilian world is a challenge --- different types of competition, cooperation, conflict in Military and Civilian experience. Have fun & celebrate all freedoms.