White Smoke | Chapter ~ II Spirit of the Moth

 

It is already night when we reach another town 100 Kilometers from the outpost. The driver informs us we have to stay for a night in this town so that we can avoid the foregoing dangers of traveling at night.

The truck stops near the square. My brother wants to play outside, and we spend half an hour running and playing in the square. I remember playing with my older sister Haifa in the city park; we were living in a peaceful place until this horrific war came, our dreams and life collapse. We were happy at that time, she was my protector, she always thinks about us. I wish she knew where we are right now.

 

I close my eyes; I imagine if only we lived in my father’s homeland maybe we would not be experiencing this hard life. My father originally came from the neighboring state and he settled in this beautiful country 20 years ago when he married my loving mother. “God, please, protect us all the time, I really can’t bear if anyone in my family get hurt, Please protect my sister Haifa as well, I hope she is ok in the US, God please guide her.”

 

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The library in Georgetown University is busy as always. It is 7:00 PM and all the students are busy researching. A young woman is uneasy dialing her phone, she is anxious; it seems she wanted to call somebody.

“Hi Haifa! Should we go to John’s place tonight to finalize our project for our presentation tomorrow?” Craig said. “I am not sure Craig, I am in troubled today, and my country is at war, I can’t contact my parents anymore." Her tears fall, she can’t control her emotions.
Haifa fears that the shelling by government forces in her homeland will cost her loved one’s lives. She wanted to reach out to know the status of her family. “I am sorry for that Haifa, anything I can do, I would like to help you,” Craig said as he comforts his friend. Craig is Haifa’s classmate and best friend. “Did you tell John already?” Craig asks Haifa. “Not yet, after the exams this week, I will travel to Turkey, maybe I will try to get into the country through the border, and flying to Syria is impossible at this time.” Haifa informs Craig as she pick up her bag and books.

The two immediately leave the library and head to their respective dormitories.
As she opens the door of her room, she looks at her family photo on top of her table beside her bed, she hugs this picture as her tears roll down her face, remembering her parents and her 13 year old loving sister Mariam and her 7 year old little brother Ahmed.

She continually hugs the photo as she lies on her bed, she cries a lot, her worries keep her awake, remembering her loved ones back  in her homeland. “Baba, mama.” Haifa’s muttered as she cries like a river.

 

 

 

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The morning comes perfectly as my mother prepares breakfast for our family; my father was able to set up a portable barbeque. My mother boiled the water as she will prepare tea, milk and bread. The other passengers also do the same as my father shares the coal use for cooking.

 

The white smoke dance right at the top of the kettle as the water boils up creating a visual of things I can’t forget the shelling of our house, the white smoke coming from the collapsed building bombed and shelled by the government forces. It really hurts remembering our house, the place where we were happy but now it is just a memory.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Pax]

I like it so far ~ so far rin, I didn't see any error ~ i should say well written ~ the only thing i can comment to for not wanting to confuse your readers, you change from first person to the next person ~ you should be consistent on the line break, right?"-------", because you've used it in the first place of the first person speaking why not continue on the next set of change of person's narration ~ wala kasin break ng the other sister na yung nag sasalita, Great chapter, it open up a little background on the family ~

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Pax :) yeah I will put it now.

[Pax]

see, now that's much clear :) ~ glad i could help a little kabayan

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

heheh appreciate it Pax :)

[gombeggar]

1 page is NOT a chapter...and the verb tense is off

[Ency Bearis]

This a good chapter Marc, with the scenario there's the touch of pathos.
And you have a good editors here..... I read this early but I was so busy in my job,
those flaws I want to point out to you were already discussed by dhaye and John...
Continue the good story.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Sir Ency :) yeah I have a great support from Ms. Dhaye, Ms. Rita and Mr. John :) I am lucky. Thanks for the reads Sir.

[Ency Bearis]

you're welcome Marc ..... that's what I like in here, I don't need editors anymore to be paid....LOL !

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Lol :)

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Hi Marc this is shaping into a very sad but poignant tale.
Lots of syntax errors:
It is already night when we reach another town 100 Kilometers from the outpost. The driver informs us we have to stay for a night in this town so that we can avoid the foregoing danger (dangers of) travelling at night.
The truck stopped (stops) near the square. My brother wants to play outside, and we spent (spend) like (erase like) half an hour running and playing at the (in the) square. I remember (playing with my older sister Haifa in the city park); we are (were) living in a peaceful place until this horrific war (came), our dreams and life collapse. (We were) happy at that time, she (was) my protector, she always thinks about us. I wish she (knew) where we are right now. I close my eyes; I imagine if only we (lived) in my father’s homeland maybe we (would) not (be experiencing) this hard life. My father originally came from the (a neighbouring state) and he settled in this beautiful country 20 years ago when (he) married my loving mother. “God, please, protect us all the time, I really can’t bear if anyone in my family get hurt, Please protect my sister Haifa as well, I (hope) she is ok in the US, Please (God) guide her.”
The library in Georgetown University is (as always) ; 7:00 PM (and) all the students are busy researching (delete- at the library), a young woman is uneasy dialing her phone, she is anxious, it seems she wanted to call somebody.
“Hi Haifa! Should we go to John’s place tonight to finalize our project for our presentation tomorrow?” Craig said. “I am not sure Craig, I am in trouble (troubled) today, my country is at war, I can’t contact my parents anymore." Her tears fall, she can’t control her emotions.
Haifa fears that the shelling (by) government forces in her (homeland) will cost her loved (one’s lives). She wanted to reach out to know what the status of her family is. “I am sorry for that Haifa, anything I (can) do, I would like to help you,” Craig said as he comforts (his) friend. Craig is Haifa’s classmate and best friend. “Did you tell (delete-it to) John already?” Craig asks Haifa. “After the exams this week, I will travel to Turkey, maybe I will try to get into the country through the border, flying to Syria is impossible (at this) time.” Haifa informs Craig as she pick up her bag and books.
The two immediately leave the (library) and (head) to their respective (dormitories).
As she opens the door of her room, she (looks) at her family photo (on) top of her table beside her bed, she hugs this picture as her tears roll down her face, remembering her parents and her 13 (year) old loving sister Mariam and her 7 (year) old little brother Ahmed.
She continually hugs the photo as she (lies) on her bed, she cries a lot, her worries keep her awake, remembering her (loved) ones back t(in) her homeland. “Baba, mama.” Haifa’s muttered as she cries like a river.
The morning comes perfectly as my mother prepares breakfast for our family; my father was able to set up a portable (barbeque) . My mother boiled the water as she will prepare tea, milk and bread. The other passengers also do the same as my father shares the coal use for cooking. The white smoke dance right at the top of the kettle as the water boils up creating a visual of things I can’t forget the shelling of our house, the white smoke coming from the (collapsed) building (bombed) and shelled by the government forces. It really hurts remembering our house, the place (where we were happy) but now it is just a memory.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Mr. John :) you are my editor I really appreciate your 100% support. Thanks a lot.

[Ufi Auttorri ~ Amy C. T..]

Is the music/video necessary?

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

lol I think it good also but you can off it if the music bothers lol :)

[Rita L. Sev]

A good piece; I am starting to care about the characters. Watch verb tenses and typos (already pointed out, I see, but I am happy to offer specifics if you need them).

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Ms. Rita for the support, I am very happy for your help.

[Jack...]

Marc, you have crafted a nice but sad story here. You do have to watch your tenses, they moved around a bit and I notice some minor errors, but overall the concept is good my friend. I see Dhaye has pointed out a few, and I'm sure language differences play a part in that. One I would like to mention is the library is quiet, not quite.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Mr. Jack, I will consider your suggestion. and thanks for the honest reads.

[Leslie Philibert]

A good piece of writing,in using the present tense you make life a bit difficult for yourself,but it makes the text immediate.Not crazy about the mulitimedia, I like to choose music for myself,I am interested in writing. A good job.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Sir Leslie, I deleted the multimedia already thanks for the reads.

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

100 Kilometer from the outpost.---kilometers

The truck stopped near the square. My brother wants to play outside... (split the long sentence)

I also suggest that you separate the dialogues in the paragraph (like one person talks=1 paragraph)

...she will prepares tea----she will prepare tea

a visuals of things---- a visual of things

It is really hurts----It really hurts


I think you just overlooked at those little flaws, but the whole chapter is nice. :)

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Dhaye :) heheh nakita ko nga yan heheh Thanks sa reads. Is it ok? because I am switching 1st person, 2nd person to 3rd person.

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Actually, first person talaga to as the story is being told by the narrator itself. Tama naman. Of course, third person gagamitin pag tungkol sa sister nya. Sa dialogue, andun naman yung second person. Okay yun. :)

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Dhaye now I know heheh :)

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

I'm waiting for it.