White Smoke | Chapter ~ II Spirit of the Moth

 

It is already night when we reach another town 100 Kilometers from the outpost. The driver informs us we have to stay for a night in this town so that we can avoid the foregoing dangers of traveling at night.

The truck stops near the square. My brother wants to play outside, and we spend half an hour running and playing in the square. I remember playing with my older sister Haifa in the city park; we were living in a peaceful place until this horrific war came, our dreams and life collapse. We were happy at that time, she was my protector, she always thinks about us. I wish she knew where we are right now.

 

I close my eyes; I imagine if only we lived in my father’s homeland maybe we would not be experiencing this hard life. My father originally came from the neighboring state and he settled in this beautiful country 20 years ago when he married my loving mother. “God, please, protect us all the time, I really can’t bear if anyone in my family get hurt, Please protect my sister Haifa as well, I hope she is ok in the US, God please guide her.”

 

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The library in Georgetown University is busy as always. It is 7:00 PM and all the students are busy researching. A young woman is uneasy dialing her phone, she is anxious; it seems she wanted to call somebody.

“Hi Haifa! Should we go to John’s place tonight to finalize our project for our presentation tomorrow?” Craig said. “I am not sure Craig, I am in troubled today, and my country is at war, I can’t contact my parents anymore." Her tears fall, she can’t control her emotions.
Haifa fears that the shelling by government forces in her homeland will cost her loved one’s lives. She wanted to reach out to know the status of her family. “I am sorry for that Haifa, anything I can do, I would like to help you,” Craig said as he comforts his friend. Craig is Haifa’s classmate and best friend. “Did you tell John already?” Craig asks Haifa. “Not yet, after the exams this week, I will travel to Turkey, maybe I will try to get into the country through the border, and flying to Syria is impossible at this time.” Haifa informs Craig as she pick up her bag and books.

The two immediately leave the library and head to their respective dormitories.
As she opens the door of her room, she looks at her family photo on top of her table beside her bed, she hugs this picture as her tears roll down her face, remembering her parents and her 13 year old loving sister Mariam and her 7 year old little brother Ahmed.

She continually hugs the photo as she lies on her bed, she cries a lot, her worries keep her awake, remembering her loved ones back  in her homeland. “Baba, mama.” Haifa’s muttered as she cries like a river.

 

 

 

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The morning comes perfectly as my mother prepares breakfast for our family; my father was able to set up a portable barbeque. My mother boiled the water as she will prepare tea, milk and bread. The other passengers also do the same as my father shares the coal use for cooking.

 

The white smoke dance right at the top of the kettle as the water boils up creating a visual of things I can’t forget the shelling of our house, the white smoke coming from the collapsed building bombed and shelled by the government forces. It really hurts remembering our house, the place where we were happy but now it is just a memory.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Pax]

I like it so far ~ so far rin, I didn't see any error ~ i should say well written ~ the only thing i can comment to for not wanting to confuse your readers, you change from first person to the next person ~ you should be consistent on the line break, right?"-------", because you've used it in the first place of the first person speaking why not continue on the next set of change of person's narration ~ wala kasin break ng the other sister na yung nag sasalita, Great chapter, it open up a little background on the family ~

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Pax :) yeah I will put it now.

[Pax]

see, now that's much clear :) ~ glad i could help a little kabayan

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

heheh appreciate it Pax :)

[A. H. Pinley]

I wish she knew where we are right now. Try this out Mark, I wish she knew where we were tonight. I truly enjoy the concept, but you may want to get away from telling parts of the story in first person. It will confuse and take away from the story. I'm finding it hard myself in my own writing. Great concept though. Happy writing Mark!

[InsanityWriter]

Very well written. You portray the emotions very well.

[Imara]

"..so that we can avoid the foregoing dangers of traveling .." I don't think you need the word foregoing here.
"we were living in a peaceful place until this horrific war came, our dreams and life collapse." I'd take out the comma and reword it to something like "war came that collapsed our lives." for clarity and to get rid of the awkward wording.
"US" U.S. It's just a formality.
"it seems she wanted to call somebody." Don't need this you made it clear that she wants to call someone in the previous sentence.
Remember for each new speaker there is a new paragraph.
"I am in troubled today" delete the word "in"
"The white smoke dance right at the..." dance should be dances.
Overall a nice progression of the story. I am really liking Haifa and the way you show the closeness of the family. Their way of life and how much our narrator misses how things used to be. I love your ending line. It was just perfect! The feeling and emotion expressed in it is all to perfect. Keep it up :)

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

HI Thanks for the Reads, I welcome bad and good review, just be honest.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good chapter. It is amazing how people learn to live with less. I like the brother desire to play and find some normal life in the chaos of the escape. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[SHEEMA HUQ]

Marc, I this is this a great piece of writing from beginning till the end, a fascinating tragedy, to shed light on the horrific grind, the aftermath of and the ramifications of coming from a war torn society. Such occurrences are happening throughout the world, the impact on human lives is devastating.

I am so glad that I came across this piece this morning, thank you very much for sharing this Excellent writing

[Ravyne Hawke]

Another wonderful chapter, Marc. I would point out errors, but it looks like some below have that covered for you. I would like to see more descriptions of all involved.. the parents and all of the kids. Perhaps more flashbacks to the bombing of Ahmed's home. The more descriptions you use, the more likely we, the readers, can picture everything in our minds. Looking forward to more.

[icelandicblue]

You are starting to create layers to your characters. I also liked when you contrasted the different scenes in this piece. Nice work Marc.

[TL Boehm]

what touched me here in this piece is the juxtaposition of the brutality of war and how it uproots a family and a lifestyle and the 'normal' routines - setting up a portable barbeque, making tea, milk and bread. Its jolting to consider - but it is how people operate. Well done.