Dawn of Fire | Chapter ~ I Spirit of the Moth

Chapter ~ I Spirit of the Moth

 

My heart beats fast, fear running in my veins, my parents hold my little brother, as they look around, wondering what will happen next, they are completely clueless. The driver stops the truck right in front of the check point. Five fully armed soldiers surrounded the truck, one of the soldiers open the covering tent. “Where is your ID?” The officer asks me while looking at the other passengers.

The soldier checks all IDs one by one and returns it all. “Ok, you! come down!”  The soldier commands my father. He stands up and get out from the truck.

  “You are b*****d, you are not a citizen of this country, are you a spy?” He asks my father while pointing his gun straight right to my father's head. My mother cried, “Mohammed!” I hug my mother and Ahmed my little brother.

 

  My father gets pale as he looks numb and unable to move, while the soldier struck his back with his rifle, “No! Please don’t hurt my father!” I cried. The officer looks at me, grabs my hair with his sturdy hands. “You are a daughter of this b*****d you don’t have a place in this country!” I felt so much pain in my head while he grips my hair. I cried, “Please, I beg you, please don’t hurt us!” He pushes me on the ground and I stumble right in front of my father.

 

 My father holds me and covers my head, He cries and tries to explain that he is doing business in this country, but the soldier slaps my father and spit his face. “Damn B*****d!” The officer kicks and spit us once again.

 

 My mother and my brother cry, they can’t do anything. I can’t control my tears, a very painful moment for my family; I pray to God, “Please, I need you now.” I hug my father.

  

 “All of you get down! Move!” command by the soldier, my mother and my brother were afraid and immediately come near to us; she hugs my father with Ahmed. “Lamia we need to be strong,” father whispers to my mother. She nods while holding her tears. I am thinking this our end, and I wipe the tears of my little brother. My heart beats fast again and I hold him tight.

 

 Suddenly, a rapid gunfire strike the soldiers follow by a massive explosion, the rocket blows the outpost; my father was quick enough to covers and hides us at the back of the old car beside the truck. The other passengers also hide with us. The four soldiers fall after the chaos. The remaining soldiers run, the bad officer fearfully heads the retreating remnants. The rebel’s open fire and the machine gun clear the road, strewn with lifeless bodies bathing in their own blood; it is a dawn of fire.

 

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Hey Marc love the graphics, Engaging chapter. A few suggestions:
My heart beats fast, fears (fear) running in my veins, my parents hold my little brother, as they look around, wondering what will happen next, they are completely clueless. The driver stopped the truck right in front of the check point. Five fully geared (armed) soldiers surrounded the truck, one of the soldiers open the covering tent. “Where is your ID?” The officer asks me while looking at the other passengers.

The soldier checks all IDs one by one and returns it all. “Ok, you! come down!” The soldier commands my father. He stands up and get out from the truck.
“You are b*****d, you are not a citizen of this country, are you a spy?” He asks my father while pointing his gun straight right to my father's head. My mother cried, “Mohammed!” I hug my mother and Ahmed my little brother.

My father gets pale as he looks numb (and) unable to move, while the soldier struck his back with his rifle, “No! Please don’t hurt my father!” I cried. The officer looks at me, grabs my hair with his sturdy hands. “You are a daughter of this b*****d you don’t have a place in this country!” I felt too (so) much pain in my head while he grips my hair. I cried, “Please, I beg you, please don’t hurt us!” He pushes me on the ground and I stumble right in front of my father.
My father holds me and covers my head, He cries and tries to explain that he is doing business in this country, but he (the soldier) slaps my father and spit his face. “Damn B*****d!” The officer kicks and spit us once again.
My mother and my brother cries (cry), they can’t do anything. I can’t control my tears, a very painful moment for my family; I pray to God, “Please, I need you now.” I hug my father.
“All of you get down! Move!” command by the soldier, my mother and my brother was(were) afraid and immediately come near to us; she hugs my father with Ahmed. “Lamia we need to be strong,” father whispers to my mother. She nods while holding her tears. I am thinking this our end, and I wipe the tears of my little brother. My heart beats fast again and I hold him tight.
Suddenly, a (no need of a) rapid gunfire strike the soldiers follow (followed) by a massive explosion, the (a) rocket blows the outpost; my father was (is) quick enough to (get us under cover) covers and hides us at the back of the old car beside the truck. The other passengers also hide with us. The four soldiers fall after the chaos. The remaining soldiers run, the bad officer fearfully (heads the retreating remnants) led the soldiers heading to the open road. The rebel’s open fire and the machine gun clear the road (strewn) with lifeless bodies lying (erase lying), bathing with (in) their own blood; it is a dawn of fire.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Wow thanks Mr. John :)

[A. H. Pinley]

Mark I like the situation. One of my favorite movies and I'll have to make time to read the book, was "The Kite Runner". I like the setting, but I think you should go back through this section and clean up the word usage. Depending on how you look at them, liberators are angles doing dirty work to free people from oppression.

[InsanityWriter]

Wow... This amazing, but very sad. :'(

[Writer #00]

The way you wrote this chapter makes every event appear with much vividness, making it seems as if this is a record of true events. Well done.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

HI Thanks for the Reads, I welcome bad and good review, just be honest.

[Imara]

Seeing as someone has already covered the grammatical things in this piece I will give my thoughts on your voice, theme, and overall work. (Which I normally do but now I can go into much greater detail on it)
You are repetitive sometimes, restating some facts that don't need to be. Like pulling of the hair we got that the first time you said it. This is a very dramatic chapter, a great starting chapter at that! It pulls the reader right in by setting up the plot in a quick way and getting right into the action so you don't lost their attention. Telling this from a young girls perspective makes the story more sympathtic and giving her a family that cares for her tugs even more at our hearts. You're planning on making us cry in this book aren't you? Well, I have no shame in saying I would cry. I have just met them yet I'm already attached.
From this part alone we get the cruelty of our main antagonist, via the officer, the loving protective nature of the father, the weak yet sisterly feel from our main character. We don't know quite how to feel about the brother as his personality is not so much expanded upon and the mother is portrayed as the loving but obiendent type. Our heros, the rebels, are shown to be the traditional good guys scaring off the mean officers right when the family needs it. Great start! Keep going :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A very detailed chapter. This would be a very dangerous situation. Being weak and having no defense. Be at will to enemy filled with hate. I had to re-read the chapter. No weakness in the powerful opening chapter. Thank you for the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Pax]

:) ~ action drama eh ~ great & intense

[Hester Vane]

Very emotional but well written. A great start and I really like the cover picture too!

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Hester :)

[Ravyne Hawke]

This is powerful and griping. A glimpse of warfare that is too often in the Middle East. My only suggestion is to check your grammar and verb tenses. Beautiful start.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Lori :)