A Black Heart (Tanka)

 

 

Cerulean sky

Reflects in my naked eye

The day you left me

You quell my own destiny

A selfish one with black heart

Author's Note

Reviews

[Dhaye]

This is nice. I love the thought. However, I am not comfortable with how you state the last two lines. I think there's redundancy in there.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

lol :) i think the meaning is separate the line you have said first it means that the person cut the speaker chance to reach his/her destiny by breaking her/him and the last one explains why that person doesn't want that love but he doesn't want either get away from this love, that's why he/she has a black heart. It is a divorce/annulment process which the married couple separated but not ready to let go anyone of them. So one of them really hate because of the freedom.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

I mean they are not yet free until they signed the divorce paper. :)

[Dhaye]

These are what I am not comfortable of:

"You quell my own destiny"---My own is used if the subject is yourself (e.g. I quell my own destiny). If you want to emphasize that another person repressed your destiny, "own" is no longer important (You quell my destiny), otherwise that would be redundancy.

"A selfish one with black heart"---You cannot say a selfish one with white or clean heart, or an unselfish one with black heart. Of course, a selfish person has a black heart. Perhaps the word "selfish" can be replaced with something pointing out she was your previous love who has that black heart. Gulo ko rin noh? Actually, dahil confused talaga ako, nag-consult ako sa grammar checker na app, yun talagang last line kinokorek niya. Ginangawa niyang ibang noun yung heart. Ewan ko, siguro dahil yung selfish e bad heart na nga yun.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

lol its alright Dhaye maybe I need to at it, since there some confusion about the words. Thanks for that :) I will review it later.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

lol its alright Dhaye maybe I need to have second look reviewing the poem, since there some confusion about the words. Thanks for that :) I will review it later.

[gombeggar]

hmm...bit of hard coal to such a heart

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Gom glad you dropping by and for the reads thank you.

[Ency Bearis]

Nice metaphor in Tanka, great poem.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Sir Ency, thanks for the review.

[Jack...]

Very cool Marc. keep'em coming

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Mr. Jack it is really a great time having your time. Thanks a lot.

[s y e]

Haha, this was great! I am really enjoying your Tankas!

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks N.H thank you, :) I am happy you appreciate my tanka :)

[Frieda P]

I am thoroughly enjoying your Tankas, tanka very much. This is vivid in black & white and says so much. Ouch.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

heheeh yes :) it is really a true story Frie :) lol such a black heart hahah :)

[Frieda P]

Ouchie again...poor you ;-)

[icelandicblue]

I like your use of color in this piece. A black heart can erase the hope of the future. Nicely penned.

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thansk Ice you have a very good insight in this piece, I appreciate your time reading my piece.

[Coyote Poetry]

Artwork and words made the point in the poem. Thank you for the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Thanks Sir, I am glad you stop by :)