This poem is brief but you were able to jam-pack it with visual images. My mind pictured out those words of yours. Your technique of showing rather than telling is very effective. Well, it is always effective when it comes to writing short poems. But in this poem, almost every line has an image that is vivid. I commend you to that.
As far as my reading is concerned, this is about infatuation at first sight, is it not?
I myself can relate to the theme in this poem. I have already experienced wanting to know the name of someone I instantly liked at first sight. I even dared to get her number hahaha I love the way you chose your words. Your lines and words are few but the impact is great.
However, let me make mention of these few things about some lines:
*Meteors showers in the eastern skies
---> Meteors SHOWER in the eastern skies
*A stranger soul shines at night with the sparkling fireflies
--->A STRANGE SOUL/STRANGER'S SOUL shines at night with the sparkling fireflies
*Sporadically moving and slowly fades into dim
--->Sporadically moving and slowly FADING into dim ---> parellelism
*When the violin started to play, your sorrow begins to unfold.
---> When the violin started to play, your sorrow BEGAN to unfold.
---> [or] When the violin STARTS to play, your sorrow begins to unfold.
---to avoid the conflict of the tenses
Thank you for letting me read this wonderful piece of art. =)
Hi Sir Joe thanks a lot for the review, I will consider changing it :), I appreciate your expertise .. read moreHi Sir Joe thanks a lot for the review, I will consider changing it :), I appreciate your expertise in tenses which is very helpful. Thanks a lot :)
11 Years Ago
You are most welcome, Sir Marc! Poets help one another out. =)
You build a vivid montage of atmospheric visions here with an ethereal dreamlike quality, and I wonder how much is simply descriptive of your dream and how much connected with your concious experience and aspiration? I would have liked to see some extension of the separate images to provide more cohesion for the poem. P.
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thanks Pete sounds cool :) I will consider it. Thanks for the review and your time reading my work.
I really enjoy the way you use your words to portray such vivid, dream-like images. I think that the tense changes you made really helped, too. Great job, it's always a pleasure to read your works.
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thanks Dave, I appreciate your review, thanks for your time reading my work. :)
Hi Marc loved it in terms of structure and flow, some suggested tense changes if you like them:
A stallion running fast as the north-wind blows
A tree mystically swaying in the air dancing a tango
Meteor showers in the eastern skies
A stranger’s soul shining at night with the sparkling fireflies
You animate in my celestial dream
Sporadically moving and slowly fading into dim
When the violin started to play, your sorrow began to unfold.
Quandary radiated your heart turned into cold
In every movement of your exotic frame
I was mesmerized and dying to know your name
Posted 11 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thanks Mr. John I already changed some tenses :) thanks a lot for the support.
11 Years Ago
You are welcome Marc wish I could write in a different language!
This is a definate change in.. read moreYou are welcome Marc wish I could write in a different language!
This is a definate change in syntax though:
Meteor showers
This poem is brief but you were able to jam-pack it with visual images. My mind pictured out those words of yours. Your technique of showing rather than telling is very effective. Well, it is always effective when it comes to writing short poems. But in this poem, almost every line has an image that is vivid. I commend you to that.
As far as my reading is concerned, this is about infatuation at first sight, is it not?
I myself can relate to the theme in this poem. I have already experienced wanting to know the name of someone I instantly liked at first sight. I even dared to get her number hahaha I love the way you chose your words. Your lines and words are few but the impact is great.
However, let me make mention of these few things about some lines:
*Meteors showers in the eastern skies
---> Meteors SHOWER in the eastern skies
*A stranger soul shines at night with the sparkling fireflies
--->A STRANGE SOUL/STRANGER'S SOUL shines at night with the sparkling fireflies
*Sporadically moving and slowly fades into dim
--->Sporadically moving and slowly FADING into dim ---> parellelism
*When the violin started to play, your sorrow begins to unfold.
---> When the violin started to play, your sorrow BEGAN to unfold.
---> [or] When the violin STARTS to play, your sorrow begins to unfold.
---to avoid the conflict of the tenses
Thank you for letting me read this wonderful piece of art. =)
Hi Sir Joe thanks a lot for the review, I will consider changing it :), I appreciate your expertise .. read moreHi Sir Joe thanks a lot for the review, I will consider changing it :), I appreciate your expertise in tenses which is very helpful. Thanks a lot :)
11 Years Ago
You are most welcome, Sir Marc! Poets help one another out. =)
the imagery in this was so incredibly vivid, I felt like I was watching the most beautiful scenes from nature playing out in my head.
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thanks Rachel seriously a words from the greastest one like you it is like winning a ticket hehehe :.. read moreThanks Rachel seriously a words from the greastest one like you it is like winning a ticket hehehe :) thanks for the review.
Marc, love seems to be your forte. This is very cool. It builds nicely to the crescendo ending and believe me, I know this feeling.
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thanks Mr. Jack for now :) literally, it is insane :) dont know why, I tried to write another things.. read moreThanks Mr. Jack for now :) literally, it is insane :) dont know why, I tried to write another things aside from love but I always ended writing about love. lol :) Thanks for the review.
DIFC Dubai International Financial Center, Dubai City, United Arab Emirates
About
I am just writing for almost 2 months now and no background in the world of poetry. Hope you will always share your wisdom and correct my mistakes as I need it to solidify my dreams to write. Thank y.. more..