This poem is brief but you were able to jam-pack it with visual images. My mind pictured out those words of yours. Your technique of showing rather than telling is very effective. Well, it is always effective when it comes to writing short poems. But in this poem, almost every line has an image that is vivid. I commend you to that.
As far as my reading is concerned, this is about infatuation at first sight, is it not?
I myself can relate to the theme in this poem. I have already experienced wanting to know the name of someone I instantly liked at first sight. I even dared to get her number hahaha I love the way you chose your words. Your lines and words are few but the impact is great.
However, let me make mention of these few things about some lines:
*Meteors showers in the eastern skies
---> Meteors SHOWER in the eastern skies
*A stranger soul shines at night with the sparkling fireflies
--->A STRANGE SOUL/STRANGER'S SOUL shines at night with the sparkling fireflies
*Sporadically moving and slowly fades into dim
--->Sporadically moving and slowly FADING into dim ---> parellelism
*When the violin started to play, your sorrow begins to unfold.
---> When the violin started to play, your sorrow BEGAN to unfold.
---> [or] When the violin STARTS to play, your sorrow begins to unfold.
---to avoid the conflict of the tenses
Thank you for letting me read this wonderful piece of art. =)
Hi Sir Joe thanks a lot for the review, I will consider changing it :), I appreciate your expertise .. read moreHi Sir Joe thanks a lot for the review, I will consider changing it :), I appreciate your expertise in tenses which is very helpful. Thanks a lot :)
11 Years Ago
You are most welcome, Sir Marc! Poets help one another out. =)
a stunning imagery.... dance together in a beautiful harmony... its like a beautiful person had caught your eyes then hides in the dark.... i see the sparkling reference from twilight maybe because i see you have said love @ first bite.. ;) awesome one my friend...
Thanks Pax I appreciate it BIG time :) thanks Kabayan for the review.
11 Years Ago
Love @ first bite :) it is just twist instead of sight. because my experience it started in a kiss b.. read moreLove @ first bite :) it is just twist instead of sight. because my experience it started in a kiss before the light comes, it is completely love kissed in the dark.
11 Years Ago
oh... very nice... galing!
your always welcome kabayan!
The imagery is unreal. An entire story unfolds before the reader and by that time it`s over. Brilliant.
Probably the best poem I've had the opportunity to stumble upon so far
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thanks Kelsey I am flattered for your kind words. Thanks for your time reading my work.
I like the use of images in this poem. However, for me, they tend to hang in the air, and while they are stunning, they do not appear to be connected either to one another nor to the main theme. Also I wonder whether the line: 'Quandary radiated your heart turned into cold' makes sense without punctuation. Also the line: 'In every movement of your exotic frame' I wonder whether it should say 'By every movement of your exotic frame.'
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I am just writing for almost 2 months now and no background in the world of poetry. Hope you will always share your wisdom and correct my mistakes as I need it to solidify my dreams to write. Thank y.. more..