This poem is brief but you were able to jam-pack it with visual images. My mind pictured out those words of yours. Your technique of showing rather than telling is very effective. Well, it is always effective when it comes to writing short poems. But in this poem, almost every line has an image that is vivid. I commend you to that.
As far as my reading is concerned, this is about infatuation at first sight, is it not?
I myself can relate to the theme in this poem. I have already experienced wanting to know the name of someone I instantly liked at first sight. I even dared to get her number hahaha I love the way you chose your words. Your lines and words are few but the impact is great.
However, let me make mention of these few things about some lines:
*Meteors showers in the eastern skies
---> Meteors SHOWER in the eastern skies
*A stranger soul shines at night with the sparkling fireflies
--->A STRANGE SOUL/STRANGER'S SOUL shines at night with the sparkling fireflies
*Sporadically moving and slowly fades into dim
--->Sporadically moving and slowly FADING into dim ---> parellelism
*When the violin started to play, your sorrow begins to unfold.
---> When the violin started to play, your sorrow BEGAN to unfold.
---> [or] When the violin STARTS to play, your sorrow begins to unfold.
---to avoid the conflict of the tenses
Thank you for letting me read this wonderful piece of art. =)
Hi Sir Joe thanks a lot for the review, I will consider changing it :), I appreciate your expertise .. read moreHi Sir Joe thanks a lot for the review, I will consider changing it :), I appreciate your expertise in tenses which is very helpful. Thanks a lot :)
11 Years Ago
You are most welcome, Sir Marc! Poets help one another out. =)
Ahh...the curiosity of beauty at first sight. It is in the eye of the beholder...and when beholden is an experience unmatched. The only change I would make is changing "fading into dim" to "fading to dim" ... your imagery is exquisite here.
Vivid imagery and a distinct dreamy effect makes this a very remarkable piece, the title itself evokes a sense of mystery. The last line gives the poem great intensity of emotion for the "stranger". Brilliant style!
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thanks Ate :) this is also one of my fave. poem, it has some real backstory on this. lol :) this is .. read moreThanks Ate :) this is also one of my fave. poem, it has some real backstory on this. lol :) this is my experienced. thanks a lot for your precious time reading my work.
I am just writing for a month and no background in the world of poetry. Hope you will always share your wisdom and correct my mistakes as I need it to solidify my dreams to write. Thank you, I love you all.
owoww!!! i'll say it again, sing of love coz it does exist!! :)) so wonderful poem :)) well, i'm not really into that love at first sight thing.. but love among the most strangest thing, is the strangest, (urghh, never mind that,hahaha) but this is really an amazing write:)) wonder who's that stranger??? haha :)
I like this one. You have a good choice of music... though the most apt one is a violin's sound (just like in this poem).
Other than that, I really like this, kabayan!
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thanks Dhaye, your words is always an inspiration, thanks for reading.
11 Years Ago
I love the music. I copied the URL. Maybe convert it into MP3 for future use, especially my short f.. read moreI love the music. I copied the URL. Maybe convert it into MP3 for future use, especially my short films.
11 Years Ago
Lol cool do you make a film?
11 Years Ago
Short films. Some are educational, but mostly emotional, about culture and with moral lessons. I ha.. read moreShort films. Some are educational, but mostly emotional, about culture and with moral lessons. I have entered the contest in www.cinematalkies.com. I have 19 at youtube, 1 unpublished yet 'cause I want to edit when my brother come back here (he's the lead role but he's a seaman), and other 1 ongoing because I was too busy then. My brother and sister are very supportive to me, that's how I keep on making short films.
My sister's Legria. Sometimes I use digicam, mobile webcam videos if they're okay.
11 Years Ago
Cool :) it is really amazing :) I will check your work in youtube later sa bahay can u send me the l.. read moreCool :) it is really amazing :) I will check your work in youtube later sa bahay can u send me the link.
Yes I do believe in love at first sight. My, this one set me thinking too Marc, as I suspect all your work probably will. It sounds as if the relationship would have been doomed from the start. Poignant longing that will never be requited. You create a beautiful vision.
Pilamia.
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thank you Singing Bird :) your words is very important to me as a new comer, it helps boast my confi.. read moreThank you Singing Bird :) your words is very important to me as a new comer, it helps boast my confidence to write more. Thank you.
DIFC Dubai International Financial Center, Dubai City, United Arab Emirates
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I am just writing for almost 2 months now and no background in the world of poetry. Hope you will always share your wisdom and correct my mistakes as I need it to solidify my dreams to write. Thank y.. more..