homewreckers

His record is unclean,
he married one and so did she.
Attention span that of a spaniel
each what would be fleeting glance
is a probing gaze,
he doesn't just look, he razes
the fields of faces,
grazing on each one
despite that collar on his finger
that says he has a home
that someone has his name.

I know he wants to know
what it would feel like
and if, how it would be different
if it's what he continues to look for
but I know
that the hunter hunts.

Author's Note

Does this feel true or false? Be real. It needs tinkering. Leaving it for now. May scrap it.

Reviews

[W.k.kortas]

I like the close proximity of gaze/raze/faces/grazing (though I might consider moving "grazing" down to begin the next line.) I'm not sure you need "homewrecker" in the first line--it does play nicely off "record", but I think it's also too close to the title, and I think the line reads more smoothly without it. The final three lines of the first stanza are just pitch-perfect. All in all I think it's a very strong piece, and I would limit any changes to minor cosmetic ones.

[M. Shepherd]

Mm good calls.. I'll have to kill my baby on the "homewrecker record" - it's the direct quote that inspired the poem but its a bit much and the title says it.

[M. Shepherd]

Thanks very much for the suggestions. :)

[Revery]

Sometimes it's just flirtation. I like it. The first few lines is where the work might be needed, spun into a more complex smooth way to say the same thing.

[M. Shepherd]

Thanks revery for the thought - curious if you have any suggestions.

[Revery]

Not sure. It's your perspective. Take some strong synonyms and keep rearranging them. Here was my take on a similar note: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Revery/951131/

[M. Shepherd]

I like it the way it is but thanks for the input.

[Revery]

That's the most important, it's your poem. :)

[elwood blues]

love some of the phrasing,collar on his finger and grazing ! i loved it,you hit home

[NeuroVersifier]

This poem is arresting and mature, skillfully conveying the restlessness and treachery of infidelity. I am glad someone referred me to your writing. Looking forward to more.

[M. Shepherd]

Thank you :) appreciate the thoughts.

[Beccy]

The hunter indeed hunts; but if you look closely enough you can see the hunted look in his eyes; at thirty eight, (thirty nine tomorrow,) and still single, I've seen it more than once. :))

So much enjoyed this.


Beccy.

[M. Shepherd]

Very true - he is desperate, and himself razed.
Glad you enjoyed. :) thanks for the thoughts Beccy.

[Chris]

Life happens... some survive settling, most (really) don't.

Real - yep

Do you reach for your perceived star?!? Admission always carries a price - knowing it and paying it are two different things.

[h d e rushin]

I imagine you Marcie, kicking off your shoes, unbuttoning your georgette blouse and telling
a spouse where they can get off. Then I imagine you in a field of raging lilacs
dousing the white stems with splendor. Poems can do that I imagine; take on the scent as well the
shameless effuse of the poet.

your amazing.....happy holidays

[M. Shepherd]

God if I don't love every damn word you write Dana, good lord.
That damn spouse will have had it coming if it comes to that. :)
Thanks for the thoughts :) - enjoy your holidays too.

[James O'Rourke]

Enjoy the crap out of this. There's definitely a good rhythm to this piece. However, the third and fourth lines of the second stanza trip me up a bit. It has something to do with having "if" in such close proximity from one line to the next. I could just be confused, but that's really the only thing I see you should work on.

Other than that, it's a good piece. Look forward to more.

[M. Shepherd]

Aw thanks James. I'll take a look at that.

[terry smith]

no...this is good...people are like dogs...keep it!!!

[Robert Parlange]

Well written. The metaphor of infidelity as a “hunt.” is intriguing. Good example of show don't tell.

Good write.

[M. Shepherd]

Thank you Robert :)

[. serah .]

-- hey M. -- i just dropped in again to say that i like "the hunter hunts" more than "the searcher never finds" (if i remember correctly)... -- it tells me (the reader) that the hunter is almost (inherently) predator-like in his ways... ~ s.

[M. Shepherd]

Thanks Serah :)
It feels more like what I want to say in a subtler way..

[. serah .]

-- yeah... there's more poetic precision in this new closing... :)