Her.

She was impossibly beautiful. Impossibly shaped like the most petite hourglass one could find. Her skin was like a not yet ripened peach; the color of an ocean of honey in the summer. That was her, summer. She walked around, not knowing that even in the bitterest, dullest winter months, she brought summer. She had the longest eyelashes that deep sea blue eyes so eloquently and the daintiest nose I had ever seen. Her teeth were halo-white, she just didn’t know how breath taking she was to me. Her eyes possessed an unrequited kindness I only saw in my mother. She didn’t need someone to smile at her for her to share her always smiling eyes. Her lips, which I had not yet explored, were always in a perpetual pout. But her hair; my God, her hair, beautiful golden waves of hair that crashed over her face and neck and shoulders and chest. No; her curls weren’t golden, what color is that color? Was it the color of the sun in the morning? The color of silk found among the strawberries? Yes, she called it ‘strawberry blonde’ but it wasn’t. Her hair was sun-streaked, tangled, bouncy laughter around her angelic face that only I could see and appreciate. Her hair was summer laughter if there ever was such a thing. Sun kissed strawberry fields with rows of Helles beer poured in between; yes, that was her hair.

Author's Note

REVISED AS OF 11/9/15

Reviews

[BobM]

I'm torn. On one hand, some of your metaphors and similes are pretty cool; "Her hair was sun-streaked, tangled, bouncy laughter" and "Sun kissed strawberry fields with rows of Helles beer poured in between" are really neat and creative, in my opinion. I also really liked the lines "That was her, summer" and "Her lips, which I had not yet explored...."

But on the other hand, some of your descriptions are very cliche', And oddly worded. "She had the longest eyelashes that framed her soul’s windows so eloquently and the daintiest nose one could only draw on the smallest sheet of paper." Describing eyes as windows is almost too cliche' to use in many circumstances in my opinion. And I don't really understand why one couldn't draw her tiny nose on a large sheet of paper, it should actually look even smaller in contrast to the larger canvas. And by the end of the passage, the word "summer" seems to lose almost all of its value. On a less critical note, "breath taking" should be one word, "breathtaking".

On the whole though, this was fun to read, and I enjoyed the the lines I mentioned, and more, very thoroughly. Keep writing!
-Bob

[marchmadness]

Wow! Awesome review! Thank you for taking the time to read and critique it. I have thought hard about your opinions and have come to the conclusion that I am going to rearrange some adjectives and take heed to your ideas. I very much agree with them! After reading this again through your eyes, I realize that you are totally right and "summer" becomes redundant as well as the souls window's...just annoying because literally everyone says that. Thank you again! I will be revising!

[sandman]

Outstanding critique Bob. I agree with your review. I read an interesting chapter here - The Mirrors of Life. Interested to know your opinion

[BobM]

Thanks for the tip, I'll check it out!

[Glen Weimann]

Hi There. You sent a note requesting me to read some of your writing, so here are a few thoughts.

Generally I agree with BobM's comments. You have some very nice phrases. I write lyrics, and a lot of these would work well as lines in a song.

I have a pet beef about people using commas where I think they should start a fresh sentence. Couple of examples here
- golden, what
- her, Summer

I agree with Bob that the eyelashes sentence is just odd - it simply doesn't read right. "She had the longest eyelashes that deep sea blue eyes so eloquently ...." It doesn't make sense.

"an unrequited kindness I only saw in my mother" ... there's something here that jars slightly, and it's to do with tense. Do you mean "that I'd only previously ever seen"? Or "that I'd normally only see in my". Using "saw" is definitely past tense. You might mean your Mother has passed on years ago for all we know ...? So my request is that somehow you adjust the words to clarify the comparison and remove its current ambiguity.

You mention her pout as though this is a nice good thing. My general recall is that pouting is seen as the behaviours of spoilt people or ones who are being transparently manipulative. I find it incongruous for you to use a term I think many folk would consider to be perjorative.

"which I had not yet explored" raises interesting questions about the point or perspective from which you're writing this. The implication is that since that point you have subsequently explored them? Does that mean that you know this person more fully 'now'? Your phrase "she called it" would indicate yes. If so, why have you not waxed lyrical about any of her personal qualities, i.e. her sense of humour, gentleness, kindness, considerateness, etc etc. I find this sense that you do or did know her well but have only described physical aspects somewhat disconcerting.

So I enjoyed reading what I found to be a very good descriptive passage; but that said, I think my final point is the question one often asks of descriptive passages, which is 'so what'? As I was reading I had two possible scenarios in mind. In one, there was going to be a twist in the tail, when this image of beauty and kindness turned out to be a very different person upon closer familiarity, followed by some sort of lessons learned payoff line. In the second scenario it was like a voiceover in an opening scene of a movie, after which a bigger story would unfold with retrospectives and flashbacks to your relationship.

Hope this helps
Regards
Nigel

[Samuel Dickens]

Very well done. Skillfully, you've described a young woman that men would climb mountains and slay dragons for.

[marchmadness]

I am almost in tears from excitement upon reading this! I REALLY appreciate it! When i wrote it, it was on a whim when i was inspired so i am very happy but surprised that you said that!

[Samuel Dickens]

It was my pleasure. You're writing really is very good.

[marchmadness]

Thank you again! :)