There is no one home

This one just came out.

How many times do I have to sit here crippled by my own actions?

This life was full of beauty and raw passion,

Then I turned nine.

My brokenness began, but it started out fine

I thought it would heal over time,

but these bullet wounds have an entry point,

with no exit point in sight.

I held every word, push, shove and laugh in a jar within the confines of my heart.

It began to fill up and overflow into a river of darkness

I’m still drowning in the undertow.

My lungs gasp for air, but only find more things to drown in.

I was nine, nine years old and my most vivid memory of that age is dark,

So dark that I’m not really sure it even happened.

Repressed into an abandoned safe in my mind

I don’t even own the key anymore and fear the day it’s found.

On that day it will all come flooding out,

The darkness released upon by entire being,

The jar will be broken and I’ll wish it was a dream, a nightmare and nothing more,

The reality won't sink in for years.

So what if this has already happened?

And my body, mind and soul can’t accept the occurring events.

What if there is already nothing left?

Void of darkness

Artificial lighting installed to buy me time,

Time for what though? 

A lost cause is not given that name just for the sake of pity.

Am I still even here?

I have a heart beat, but there’s no life in my blood,

An empty vessel inviting everyone to make themselves at home.

You can’t crash a party when it’s your own.

But it isn’t mine,

And if I could rewind, I’d take back my body and that key I’d find.

I’d unlock the demon inside that forsaken room,

With a battle cry professing freedom or anything close to the word,

I’d take down the dark monster.

But I’m afraid,

what if there isn’t even anything inside?

What if it made it’s way to an escape, jailbreak

Sitting in the shadows,

Waiting for me to make another mistake.

Either way I am currently forced to clean up from this weekends festivities.

I was out of town and my tenets threw another rager.

No matter how hard I try, I cave into the pressure and can’t get them to leave.

Inside my innermost being and intertwined so deeply within the framework,

They convince me that I need them.

They convince me that they are only going to be here until they buy their own place.

They tell me that I won’t even notice that they are here.

That they won’t trouble me and that I have little to fear.

They convinced me that giving them a key was a good idea.

The only problem is I lost my set of keys.

I’m locked out of my own being,

Truth is, seeing is believing.

I've seen it all,

I believe that it’s too late.

Too late for redemption for the person who used to have their mortgage paid.

The current economy has left me broke,

The decline in real estate and the loss of my job.

A denied refinancing and my home auctioned off.

My soul is homeless and every street corner is taken,

No one likes a beggar

But I’m begging, pleading, “take me with you”.

To somewhere that the grass is greener,

Just someplace that has real grass,

A place were the sun would shine right through my vacant abandoned house,

Show everyone how beautiful it is when the light comes in through the windows.

If I could, I’d have a stained glass window in every room,

Just to remind me that light brings color and color brings diversity,

The stages between darkness and light, day and night,

Found in each bend of color and life.

That’s where I want to live,

Within the context of beautiful realities.

Bursting with an array, an explosion of color.

Where do you find your self in the prism of life?

How many lumens shine from your soul?

Will your exposure come out delayed and take in the light?

Or will you end up like me, with the shutter speed way to high,

Waiting for someone take another picture before I die.

I was only nine the day my picture was taken at school,

My mom had dressed me up all fancy,

Smile,

The last time the feelings went with the action,

Smile,

There’s nothing left behind the thirty-two shining whites,

Smile,

There is only voided darkness,

Smile,

There is no light.