CHOCO CANDY PIE

twinkle twinkle little star how I wonder where you are up above the world so high like a diamond in the sky...

Twinke was a little far

From the temple in his car 

as he ached to finish his choco bar.

Down within the world so creed!

Little Twinkle could not breathe

They taught him how to worship and pray

Without knowing he had to throw his candy away.

The dustbin savoured the candy pie

Just as a little beggar prayed to the sky

For a generous piece of candy pie.

Reviews

[sL]

I like lots about this poem. I like the nursery rhyme feel. I love personifying Twinkle. I also like the rhythm and I like imagining the candy pie. I think that Twinkle is running late for a service, maybe? So he has to toss his candy, and meanwhile, beggars are hungry and dreaming of chocolate. Really fresh way of commenting on the subject. I think some word choices are off, and I'm confused by some of the lines. But, like I said, I enjoyed the poem. I read the lines several time, to make sense of them, which was fun. Thanks for posting.

[Dave Brown]

if Twinkie threw his candy away
would he have a pleasant day
or would he be far too far
from the temple in his car

I'm not sure I catch the drift of this