A Day in the Life of Mel Gibson

A something or another that I wrote for that one class a couple years ago.

            At around seven a.m. Mr. Mel Gibson awakes from his deep, dark, and distant dreams of flying horses with wings of gold, tangerines, and windmills.  The intruder of his thoughts is the same every single not quite so solitary day, an alarm clock powered by magical gerbils such as the ones that run on AAA batteries as advertised on the Shopping Network.  Alerted by the alarm, he swiftly springs out of his triple king-sized bed and begins to scan around for the enemy.  The enemy follows him everywhere and is constantly trying to thwart him and his plans, whatever they may be.  Mr. Gibson doesn’t know who the enemy is, but he knows that they are to be feared and watched for at all times.  Mel begins his scan of the room to find his unseen enemy.  Next to his bed lays a bottle of Irish whiskey haphazardly placed on its side, allowing the remains of the bottle’s contents to seep into the carpet floor.  On the right side of the room a water pipe protrudes out of the wall, and below it a small pond of water catches the few drops that are dripping out of the pipe.  To the left is a statue of himself with a sword jammed deep into the statue’s marble skull.  It is obvious to him who has done this.  It is of course the enemy.  While he was drunk, they took advantage of him and made him take the sword he was knighted with by the Queen of England, and caused him to use the sword to break his plumbing and ram the sword into the marble statue he received from himself.  It wasn’t like it was his fault.  He’d have to call back Carl from “Mike and Ikes Fix It For You Co.” after lunch.  Mel liked Carl; he didn’t talk too much, and he wasn’t one of the enemies, but that doesn’t mean that he could trust him.  You just can’t trust plumbers no matter how hard you try.  It’s got to have something to do with the smell and possibly the notorious plumber’s crack that until the early ‘80s was thought of only as legend. 

            After solving the case of “What Ever Could Have Happened Here Last Night?”  Mr. Gibson slowly stumbles down the fifty flights of stairs that the constructor of his mansion added as a joke at his daily expense.  On his way down to the first floor, where his breakfast would be waiting, he stops on the twenty-fifth floor to grab a bottle of cheap champagne to keep him company during the rest of his trek down the remaining twenty-five flights of stairs.  When he finally reaches the last step of the fifty floor knee murdering spiral staircase, he trips as he is destined to every single not so solitary day.  Unknown to him that final step is the H.Q. of the enemy that haunts Mel Gibson and will continue to even after his death.  For breakfast he has two slices of dry toasted Wonder Bread.  It’s nice to see someone excited about everything, even bread.  After finishing his toast, he drains the last few drops of cheap champagne into his soon to be failing liver, passes his two beheaded statues of himself that guard the threshold of his door unsatisfactorily, and heads out the door.

            Outside Mel is bombarded by demons with evil things like flash photography and pitchforks.  Somehow he survives through the bombardment and makes his way to his two block long limousine.  The driver of the limousine turns out to be a hit man hired by the government to prevent the release of the latest Lethal Weapon movie.  Mr. Gibson, as always, is packing heat and dispatches the driver and throws him out of the driver side window and drives off to the production of Lethal Weapon XXVIII.  After shooting the four hour film in less than twenty minutes, Mel feels on top of the bottom of the earth, and so to celebrate he heads down to the nearest corner store and picks up a few bottles of Irish whiskey and a pack of winter fresh gum.  With his bounty in hand he heads back to the limo.  Mr. Gibson then drives off to the airport where he is met with more demons with pitchforks and flash photography.  He tosses around a few grenades at the demons that he hid within his detective style trench coat and walks into the airport where he is greeted by a tall man with small mustache, beer belly, and a bald head.  It is Carl the plumber/ body guard.  Mel likes Carl, but that doesn’t mean he trusts him.  You never can trust plumbers that are part time body guards.  Carl escorts him to his flight to England to meet with the queen.  Five hours later Mel is in London and about to be knighted.  He stood before the queen inside her palace made of licorice and limestone, and with bottle in hand he is knighted and given the sword he was knighted with.  After arriving home he stumbles up the stairs with his newly acquired sword in his left hand and whiskey in the right and upon reaching the top floor, everything goes black and the rest is a blur.