Francine is Dumb as a Rock F.D.R.

A short story about a boy named Francine and a Halloween experience.

 

Francine is Dumb as a Rock F.D.R.

 

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Francine, but in actuality Francine was a thirteen year old boy and went by the noble name Chuck.  Chuck's parents were horrible drunks and on enough occasions, to be more than several, his parent's had called him Francine, to the point where he accidentally had introduced himself as Francine to strangers.  The thought of a name commonly used in reference to a female befuddled these same strangers and led them to believe that Francine was in fact a transvestite.  For the sake of clarity Chuck will be referred to as Francine, unless of course I forget to and then you can go ahead and complain about it to a desk or a trampled clump of crabgrass.

            Francine is a very lonely boy and this is due to his parents' hard earned paychecks going mostly to their livers and not to him; so unlike a lucky few, Francine is incapable of buying friends at the local slave market located at the corner of Civil Rights Avenue, like all of the "cool kids."  Instead, in his spare time, Francine resorts to reading and attempting to communicate with inanimate objects.  He must be wary of showing this demeanor around his drunken ogre-like parents because if they ever caught him, they would surely march him right down to Civil Rights Avenue and put him up for auction in exchange for a keg.  Despite the dangers of partaking in such ignominious behavior, Francine does not believe his parents when they warn that no avail will be gained from talking with rocks and Elvis posters as benefit to his life.  The rocks tell him he's a moron for thinking this, and for the most part, the late Elvis agrees.

            The year is 2010.  The month is October.  The day is the 31st.  The weather is  overcast with scattered showers.  Today wasn't a pleasant day, and even Francine noticed, even though everyday was pretty unpleasant in his book.  Halloween was on the mind of everyone including Francine, but instead of treat or tricking, like everyone else in the western hemisphere, Francine was deluded into scrubbing up puke in return for concert tickets to see a famous Elvis impersonator (who was rumored to actually be the real Elvis by a janitor at his school, with a face inhabited by a gigantic wart).  This gigantic wart seemed to be the cause of the janitor's mean disposition and was rumored to have been created by the collapse of a miniature black hole. 

After Francine was finished cleaning up the last few chunks of half-digested pre-Halloween candy, he walked briskly down the hallway towards the janitor's closet.  As he rounded the last corner and neared the closet, he noticed that the janitor was nowhere to be found.  He inferred from this grievous circumstance that the janitor, on a caprice, had decided to keep the tickets and leave the edifice without paying Francine his dues.  Unable to hold back his disappointment of the janitor's insidious behavior he runs towards the nearest exit and without thinking, forgets that doors require a physical interaction more complicated then running into one head first.  Francine fell instantaneously to the floor and passed out in a daze. 

When he awoke he found himself in a clearing in the middle of a deciduous forest.  While crawling slowly to his feet Francine spotted a great boulder in the center most point of the clearing. 

He walked towards it clumsily and said, "Hello great rock of the woods.  How are you on this fine day".

The rock said solemnly "………………………………….."

"Where exactly am I Sir Crag of Cragton?"

The rock retorted "……………………………………"

"Why oh why do you refuse to answer me?"

"Because", said a voice "I am a rock and any one with half the common sense of Thomas Paine knows rocks can't talk."

"Wait I am confused. You purport that rocks cannot talk yet are you not talking this very moment?"

"No, I wasn't talking at that very moment because that would be rude of me and young fool you forget that you're loony in the head."

"Ah, right forgot about the insanity."

"Don't mention it.  Most insane persons don't know that they are insane until someone points it out to them."

"……..Do you think there's any way you can help me find my way back to my home?"

"Sigh, Francine we go through this every Halloween.  It's starting to become stale. Turn around and look straight ahead."

Francine did so dutifully and answered back, "'Kay, all done."

"Now what exactly do you see?"

"Um a house with two seemingly drunk adults yelling about where the remote to the satellite is."

"And what exactly does this remind you of Francine?" the rock didn't say.

"My home," said Francine with a smile.

"Bingo."

Author's Note

I wrote this two years ago for an English III Halloween assignment. I really don't think highly of horror or traditional Halloweenie fiction so I set the story on Halloween and that's about as on topic as I wanted to get.
Some of the words like "insidious", "caprice", etc. were vocabulary words included as part of the assignment and they don't really fit vocabulary...

Reviews

[Lesley Wood]

LOL!! I love it! It's hilarious and bizarre and weird, I think you should make puppets and act it out.
Welcome to the Cafe btw. :D