It wasn't my fault

It wasn’t my fault,

We were unaware of our surrounding, we were too lost into each other’s presence absorbing it and embracing it to notice that we were changing. We weren’t what we had been a few months ago. Talking to each other , we discovered ourselves, we discovered each other’s limits. People close to us, noticed our changings , they were to be the judge of it being good or bad. We didn’t really care what they thought about us. We were just very overwhelmed by each other and the talks we shared and the way we wooed with each other. The long mysterious talks and the long walks, the non-stop blabbering and our strange laughter. The memories we made, and the time we spent getting to know each other. We clicked when we started talking. I don’t know if I regret meeting him , I don’t know what I felt when he left me for someone new or rather I preferred wording it that way because it was easier to blame him than blame myself.

Even though every inch of my soul shouted it out loud to me , that I had let him slip away. I pushed him to that girl , even when I knew he didn’t like her. I did it out of jealousy and out of frustration, limited trust over him and many insecurities of my own. I knew she liked him and she made sure she was around him all the time . He did stay , he hanged onto me for a while, he wasn’t letting me go so easy but me being the stubborn person I was, I forced him to leave me, and one day he did, simply out of frustration.I knew that he would move on and leave if I stopped talking to him, but I was too immature to talk or even start a conversation. Because I was weak, I wasn’t listening to my heart , instead I was listening to the people who had envied what we had become.My ego was bigger than what my heart wanted. In that moment, all I could think of was , why did he let me go like this? Did he not care? . But as time passed, I began to realize that he did care for if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have tolerated my childish behaviour. He knew he was wrong too, well at least at a point he was. He couldn’t show it to me that he was worth it and he knew he was wrong , when he left me for her. Or maybe, It was me, who thought that he actually loved me and meant all the things he said. He could have been easily carried away with words and emotions. I was broken but not enough that I couldn’t be mended again. I did spend quite a lot of time thinking about him and the things we did. We didn’t end on the right terms, there were things unsaid and apologies to be made. We owed each other a proper goodbye.

      

Glances are still exchanged. Our eyes filled with guilt, or rather just mine.Though i knew we both wanted to talk it out, but we couldn’t do it. As time passed, my urge to talk to him grew and the memories wouldn’t let go. They were always there, never fading. But I couldn’t bring myself to face him, because it was my fault too, I had broken all the promises I made to him all because of my rage. It was hard to let go, because I had to see him almost every single day and his intense stares never stopped. I kept wondering what he was trying to tell me through those stares, maybe he was apologizing or maybe he wanted to talk to me just the way I wanted to talk to him, because the depth of sadness that were in them , took me by surprise. I thought he didn’t care , damn I knew he didn’t care but my heart kept telling me he did and he was too shy or maybe guilty to start talking to me, and I was too timid to do so too. I thought time would heal me, but it only broke me down. Every song somehow reminded me of him. I was done , with myself , with him and with the memories, I needed none of it . Till this day I sit and think about what I could have done or what he could have done to prevent us from falling apart , I haven’t gathered the courage to go up to him and talk. I still am not satisfied with this ending, I feel like one day, we will be sitting in a fancy restaurant , chatting away and laughing at the past as if it were a distant memory that couldn’t harm us anymore. I wish.

I guess some things don’t really end in the way we would like them to but rather the way they should.