A Broken Rifle

Almost done... Tell me how it is so far! I want to submit it to Writer's Ink at my school for their magazine. :-) ...Still not done yet. -.-

I jogged though the woods, trying to avoid all trees and brush that covered the ground, though I was trying to be as silent as the grave. I made light steps, careful not to step on any sticks that would cause noise. Considering that it was late autumn, close to the cold months of winter, most of the vegetation that was here had already died. The only possessions I had with me were my rifle, and the clothes on my back, which was a vibrant neon green color. As ridiculous as it might have looked, the main purpose was to make me visible to other people that might be sharing these woods. I wanted to hunt, not be the hunted.
     I was desperately afraid of losing sight of my desired game. I saw a large doe a few moments ago, who's spotted brown coat blended into the autumn leaves.
     I slowed my pace to a steady walk, taking time to configure my surroundings. I hear a mockingbird chirp in the bare tree limbs that hung above me. That feathered demon will reveal my position, I thought.
     I aimed my rifle in frustration towards the bird and was just about to pull the trigger until I considered common sense. If I did shoot, sure I would have killed the bird, but the shot would be loud enough for everything with ears to flee. Suppressing my aggression, I lower then weapon, and continue forward.
     I eventually came to a clearing, which was only covered with tall grass that had now turned to a dusty brown color and several evergreens, some spotted randomly across the ground, and some in bunches. I take a moment to pause and check my surroundings, trying to see or hear anything that might be promising. When I though I found nothing, I was just about ready to give up and go home.
    Until I heard a stick snap. I look around, trying to detect where the sound had some from, only to see two large antlers behind a cluster of evergreens.
I tried to contain my excitement, and was almost tip-toeing to get a better aim at the buck. When I could just see the head of the animal, I raised my gun, took a breath to calm myself, then pulled the trigger. A loud bang sounded throughout the clearing, and I was thrown back slightly.
   Although, I noticed I didn't hit my target. I hit the tip of the antler, which I was only able to see for a quick moment until the buck galloped into the woods.
   I cursed considerably colorful language, kicking every rock I saw on the ground. I  was in a mix of frustration and disappointment because I chased off my game. The blast from the gun had probably frightened whatever was close by, so without anything to chase after, I turned around and headed for home.

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    I was greeted by no one else other than my dog as I walked into the front door. The happiness that it showed at the sight of me was contagious, lighting a smile on my face to know I was wanted by something. My house wasn't anything to talk about, it just had the basics to accommodate one to two people. My dog, who was named Leno, was my only company and my closest friend. Visitors were scarce, though my family would occasionally visit every once in awhile. (Should I be adding more here? ._.)
    Pulling away from my thoughts, I helped myself to the left over chicken broccoli casserole I had made previously the day before. I didn't feel like cooking anything as of now, I still felt somewhat defeated from the lost game and also exhausted. When I finished my meal, it was already past 8, so I cleaned up and headed off to bed. I called Leno into the room with me, and he climbed on the bed with me. With the comfortable feeling of being protected, it closed my eyes and eventually went to sleep.

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   I felt a sharp nudge at my side, and woke up to Leno standing beside the bed. He was probably hungry, I thought, that mutt never stops eating. I manage to drag myself out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans and white t-shirt. When I finally added more food to his dog bowl, Leno devoured the food..........




Ill stop here for now. Tell me how it's going so far! :-)
 

Reviews

[H-Jonesy]

Heeeeyyyy Patty! Here we go! :D

"I jogged though the woods, trying to avoid all trees and brush that blotted the ground" That word, blotted. I have never heard it before. Anyhow, it seems...like it shouldn't be there. Maybe try, spotted, or dotted.

Kay. I like it but it seems very choppy, and that makes it hard to follow at times. I get the point; he's hunting and wants to be quiet. But I feel like stating he "was trying to be as silent as the grave" doesn't fit, and can also be a cliche.

In a lot of this you are /telling/ us what he's doing. Don't do that-show us. Orchestrate your words into a melody for the eyes. Use that descriptive language I know you have! Show us how he was avoiding all the tress, show us the only things he had with him were his clothes and rifle! Know what I mean?

Also, you might want to check over your tenses a bit, I feel like they switch from time to time. And, wouldn't shooting a bird make more noise then the bird singing?

AND YOU NEVER SHOOT A MOCKINGBIRD

Anyhow, I want to read the rest and know what happens to the man, and his prize! :D

-Harmony