state of mind (finished and improved)

this is a better edited version with the spelling and grammar fixed

state of mind

i awoke the sight of a bight gleaming light glareing in my eyes, my eyes burned with the sudden change from darkness to light. I sat up and rubbed my eyes , my head ached as I tried to figure out what was going on around me.

I opened my eyes slowly to see the room I was in , pure white walls  slightly gleaming a florescent white light , all around me I awoke from a plain bed no sheet just a frame , as I peered around the room  I noticed there were no doors nor windows , I struck me ... I was trapped. My mind began to race as i went into a state of shock. I began to bang on the walls to try and see if there was anyone outside, I slammed them against the walls with my fists in the vain hope of having someone hearing  me and that someone, anyone would come me to save me.

There was no response. i tried and tried till my voice was horse and my throat was sore. I was out of options on what to do next , I stumbled around the room searching every edge of the walls for a crack or a hole any sign of an outside world beyond these walls. There was nothing. Just pure white walls, No way of escape from the room i was in. The walls were a strange material, none that i had ever felt before , a strange firm feeling not like stone, plastic or wood. When I hit the wall it emitted no sound just an subtle bang as my fist struck the walls. I searched to see if there was any form of wallpaper to peel back and revel some form of wall, there was nothing  other than these white walls  I was trapped in ,alone , with no way out.

My eyes began to slowly burn from the piercing light surrounding me. Dangling from the ceiling was a single light hanging from above filling the room with a piercing light, that filled every corner of the white cell that surrounded me . It burnt my eyes to look at the light, It caused my eyes to water. A single tear dropped to the floor and immediately evaporated. as I began to calm down I began to remember things before I awoke in this hell , These memories of depression and sorrow flooded my mind , a life of nothing , no job , no wife , no family , no nothing . just a crappy apartment and nothing left to live for , no prospects in life just a dead end job and no reason to live.

I sat down and began to think of what i last did before i awoke in this room but my mind was blank. I take a glance round the room to see a table and with a mirror adjacent to the end of the table.  I stumbled towards the table hunched over not really excepting anything to be there, as I walked over I looked into the mirror to see everything as normal , unkept stubble , large bags under eyes from large sleepless nights wondering what I'm doing here and why i still bother trying anymore ,  hair unrully and messy , seeing as I've never really cared about my personal appearance, but one thing was diffrent ... a large mark appeared on the side of my head , like that of a birth mark , It didn't hurt to touch but was definatly never there before .It was a mess, not like a clear shape just a shape like that of throwing paint against a wall. It startled me but I tried to stay calm and think back to last night i thought and thought but nothing would come back to me. It began to really hurt my head to continued to think.

 my mind was racing with ideas of worry and fear , i felt completely isolated and lost, a foreboding mood had filled this white prison . I couldn't contain myself and i burst into tears , The first time in years , this was all getting to much. I pulled myself together and tried to figure out what was going on but nothing ever came to me , I peered down to atop the table where I saw a revolver and a single bullet.

My mind went blank as I began to shake. Why was this here? who would leave this here? was this left here for me? my heart slammed in my chest and then went still for what felt like hours. What is going on and what is this for?. I lifted the gun to see if there was anything else , A single not appeared underneath the note. I opened it and read it aloud ''why?'' i dropped the note and walked off dropping the gun as I staggered backwards. I slumped on the makeshift bed. As I sat there thought to myself what is going on , why what? , what have i done to desrve this fate. I began to shake in fear of what i was excepected to do , i was confused and was beginning to lose hope of any sort of escape. i knew what i had to do.

 I picked up the gun from the floor and walked over to the table , I picked up the single bullet and placed it within the barrel of the gun. The click of the barrel flipping into position , it sent a chill down my spine , the idea of what was coming next made me tense up and my body went numb. I thought about what I was about to do and couldn't think of any better alternative. I placed the barrel under my next and placed my finger around the trigger. The gun was cold and stung my skin as I  pressed it against my next. All the thoughts of what would happen next came to mind I couldn't back out now as my finger pulled the trigger downwards.

time went slow as I heard the mechanisms of the gun click and turn. The memory of what had happened before I awoke came to mind . I have been here before, a gun to my head not being able to think of anyway other way out. It struck me, I had committed suicide the night before.

the bullet pierced my flesh and things went dark , I was in such an intense amount of pain. I died within seconds a feeling of bliss and peace came to me.

I awoke almost immediately after to the sight I had awoke to before  , what's happening I was just here. I panicked as I ran to the mirror to see another mark, but now under my chin. I thrown the gun and grabbed the note and unfolded it as fast as I could my hands shaking I read aloud to myself , my voice showing the fear I felt, I said aloud 'there's no longer a way out'' my heart stopped.

i was trapped and the was no way of escape. only the feeling of dying over and over again . the consequences for wasting my life i had to do it over and over again with no escape.

why? ....