hospital

i woke up to sirens
as they took you away,
i screamed mommy
daddy told me you were having lung issues
when i came to visit
 you told me you had lied to me all these years
you told me you smoke and had been for years
i act strong for you
but inside its tearing my soul apart
i feel alone
and i want to cry
for you had lied
lied

Reviews

[Jon Settle]

All the emotions expressed in this piece.... Beautifully written! I was holding my breath the entire time and didn't even realize it until I finished reading. When a piece of writing does that to me, that's when I know it's truly something special. :)

[amanda]

aww thx

[Sam Gregory]

This is very emotive, I could picture this like a scene in front of me. Great imagery, the readers feel the distress. My only critique is the lack of capital letters and commas etc, the commas would help the flow a lot. Keep it up :)

[Serenity Faith]

This is a very emotional piece. I can feel the hurt, you express. A simple, yet strong write. Very well done ^_^

[Cristina Moldoveanu]

a visit in the hospital is always sad and can tear one's soul apart. It is sad.

[Arik]

A very emotional and raw piece, this is the kernel of some good writing.

[Admiral Kirk]

I can feel all the emotions you spilled out writing this... Confusion, anger, despair, it's all there. Great job... This is very very well written.

[....]

such a deep emotional read, nicely expressed

[Kerri Hart]

very impressive

a little repetetive at times, but I like how you used the POV of the child

[Alex Davis]

This seems like raw emotion spilled out, which is beautiful in and of itself. This is honestly where poetry should start, and what most people lack. However, this is is the slab of marble that will be a masterpiece. Always start by writing what you feel, then read it aloud, edit it clip it, alter the diction and syntax to make it flow and better convey the meaning expressed. the one liner end is great, however some of the wording is clunky, when in doubt remember :less is more. dont be afraid to be vague and leave room for the reader to mentally fill in gaps. For example, you start with a pattern of lines starting with "I" split up with a line. continuing that pattern throughout would knit it together nicely.