What Should It Be Called?

Wrote for the group prompt

   “You girls up for a two-for-one-special? Two of you, one of me, now that’s special.” I say putting my arms around two girls, not expecting my cheesy pick-up line to work. One of the girls, Rebecca, looks at me with a raised eyebrow that seems to say, “Did you really just try that?” and walks away. The other girl, Sarah, stares at me for a moment and c***s her head.

   “Yeah, okay,” she agrees which surprises me beyond recognition. “Meet me at Chilies. Eight o’clock. Don’t be late.”

With that she stalks off leaving me totally confused. ‘That wasn’t supposed to work. Not that I’m complaining, but, really?’ I think to myself. When I finally grip reality and realize that I have a date with Sarah Jenson, I nod my head with a small smile and cruise to my old beaten-up pick-up truck. I open one of its rusty doors, climb in, and noisily drive home. I enter my house with a stupid grin on my face, daring anyone to ask why I’m in such a good mood.

   “Why are you so happy?” my sister, Cami, asks.

   “I have a date tonight,” I tell her as I spin in a fast circle.

   “You?” she scoffs as she folds her arms across her chest. “You have a date tonight? You?”

I smile widely and nod.

   “Face it, Cami, we all knew this day would come. Eventually.”

   “Well yeah, but I didn’t think it would be so… soon,” she sighs.

   I roll my eyes and ignore her comment. I strut to my room and close the door. I dig through my dressers and closet until I find something to wear: A gray T-shirt with blue jeans. Not the most formal outfit, but presentable.

    Finally eight o’clock comes around and I drive to Chilies where I find her pulling up in a red slug-bug. Seeing her shiny, without-a-scratch vehicle makes me almost embarrassed about my rust-bucket pick-up. Almost.

   Her blonde hair is straightened and falls a little over her shoulders, her bright blue eyes makes her freckles stand out even more, and me… I probably look ridiculous just standing there gawking at her. I blink a few times and hurriedly open the door for her. She smiles as she walks in. We sit down at a booth and order our food. It’s awkward silence after the waiter leaves, so I’m relieved when Sarah starts talking.

   “So, Trevor, what made you try that old pick-up line?” she asks.

   “Well, I figured I had nothing to loose.”

   “Good point,” she teases.

   After a bit of small talk our food comes out. I start to dig in right away but when I glance up I see that she hasn’t touched her food. I look down and see that what I’m eating is her order. I feel my eyes widen with embarrassment as I push the plate towards her.

   “Sorry,” I apologize quickly.

   “That’s alright,” she laughs.

   We finish our dinner and the waiter arrives with the bill. Sarah starts to reach into her purse but I hold out my hand, signaling her to stop. I reach into my pocket and feel nothing. I search into my other pocket and find a couple bucks, but no wallet. I look in my hand-- six dollars, two of which are in loose change. I dump it onto the table and shyly look at Sarah. She laughs and opens her purse again.

   When everything is taken care of-- the bill is paid, the table is cleared, and we’re ready to go, we get up out of the booth and walk towards the door. She’s in front of me but she stops at the exit. It takes me a minute, but I finally realize she’s waiting for me to open the door for her.

   “Oh!” I say quickly as I pull on the handle. She walks through and I follow her outside. Again I see our vehicles next to each other and I feel somewhat embarrassed.

   “You know, Trevor, I had a really nice time.” Sarah tells me.

   “You did?” I ask in a surprised tone.

   She nods. Then without any warning she stands on her tip-toes and kisses me on the cheek. I feel myself turn red. I laugh nervously.

   “We should do this again some time.” she suggests.

   “Yeah,” I agree but my voice comes out high and sort of scratchy. “I mean, yeah. Yeah, I’d like that.”

   “Good. See you later.”

   “Uh, yes, bye.”

   I watch her get into her car and drive away. When she’s completely out of sight I brush off my shoulder and climb into my truck. Placing both hands on the steering wheel I tell myself, “You done good, Trevor. But next time, don’t forget your wallet.”

Reviews

[VassD]

You should call it "Don't Forget Your Wallet." :)

This was actually quite phenomenal, mechanics-wise. The grammar and punctuation was really good; I didn't catch very many comma splices or run-on sentences. There were a couple of spots were there was a period issue or quotation problem- watch that. Your tense seemed pretty consistent. You kept the present tense throughout, as far as I could see.

The story itself was really well structured- it followed a logical progression of events and flowed naturally. There were a couple of times where a little more description would have been nice, like when he got ready. Maybe describe what she looked like, too- you had a good start with the shiny red Bug versus the rusty pickup truck, but there wasn't a lot of detail on what she looked like. This is a date and a love story--appearances are everything. :)

Overall, a very good story. I very much enjoyed it.

[Alyssa Carlstrom]

Typical first date - forgetting your wallet and not kissing her. :) but it was still a very cute story. More detail would have made it more interesting, but it can do without I suppose.
I haven't read many stories in the first-person point of view. You did a great job in doing so, however. Keep up the good work!
Also, I agree with VassD. I didn't catch any run-on sentences or grammar errors.