childless mother

november 2 2013

Laying on the table getting an ultrasound,Looking for a heartbeat, cant find a sound.

Nothing makes sense, everythings a blur.

Getting told your baby girl isnt here with you anymore.

You dont know what to say, you dont know how to feel.

All you do is beg that none of it is real.

Your about to birth this child, who's still as can be.

Your mind is racing, terrified,you dont want to see

 

Im laid in the hospital bed telling the midwife that this baby is coming, i dont understand.. Why isnt this lady rushing?

Then thats when it hits, the fact that this bay has died.

our little girl willl never lay in our arms alive.

Once she's out and there is no cry, you're to scared to look because you know you'll eventually have to say goodbye.

This moment in your life is your best and your worst.

You get to meet this angel,But not before she goes to heaven first

There are no words that can explain it, this baby is ours.

why cant we keep it?

i'll never see her grow

ill never hold her hand,

ill never get to hear her say these words: "mum" or "dad"

never get to talk 

never get to hug

never get to tell her that shes my special one

it took me days to cry, while in the hospital, i didnt know why.

it was because she was so beautiful, i was happy to meet her.

How can something so perfect make me feel any differ?

The sadness hits when you go home, you're life has changed, you feel so alone. Anything you do,it doesnt feel right. My belly  isn't big, and there's no baby in sight

your mind can't process the tragedy thats stricken,

this isnt my life.

why did this happen?

you were pregnant with a baby, a heartbeat and all.

Youre excited to meet them,to give them cuddles and more.

You've bought all these clothes that will never be worn,

Youve got a mattress that leans on the bedroomwall.

All these reminders of what you won't have, You just want to wake up. You want your baby back.

Its hard to know where to go from here, everythig feels pointless.

you live day by day, and you make stupid choices.

You dont feel the need to try to get anywhere, Because even if you do, you know why youre there.

its because she isnt here. you dont have a baby to look after. you are free to do what you want 

Your a childless mother.

I beg and pray her to visit me while i am asleep

if i cant have her here cant she be inmy dreams?

i want to see her smile know what shed turn out to be like

even just to know that wherever she is she will be alright

heaven will hold her before we fo 

but baby just know that im up there with you