All that You Know

Something I've felt.

You look into my eyes as if you know why they cry.
But dear, if only you knew, knew the actual truth,
It'd be you who would run and hide.

My soul is burning, a blaze you ignite.
You make me love the shadows,
You make me desire the night.

A sweat comes across as if my passion is an ocean,
Drowning me in your presence,
Having me beg for a coma.

My skin begins to crawl.
Don't mind me; I'll rub my nerves raw.
And I'll rock in the corner to the hum of these 4 walls.

Screaming at you to leave me be,
Screaming at you that I've never been me.
Screaming at you to make it stop,
Screaming at you for making me fall from the top!

-Mande

Reviews

[Trigorin]

Not bad. You have a good concept and you've executed it fairly well, but your imagery is very expected at times and the last stanza is a bit too repetitive for my tastes - that would have been fine for two or three lines, I think, but four is pushing it. Other than that, well done.

[Mande ThaBoss BabyGauges]

I appreciate your opinion and of course we each have own taste. I believe the most wonderful part of my poetry is that it is written for myself. I call upon this and others to serve as reminders, no matter how repetitive it may be. :)

[unsavable_soul]

Ooh, kickin' line here.
"My skin begins to crawl.
Don't mind me; I'll rub my nerves raw.
And I'll rock in the corner to the hum of these 4 walls. "
Love it, love the flow and the relatable emotion and content.
Bravo
Chris

[Mande ThaBoss BabyGauges]

Thank you! I am glad that you enjoyed it.

[Chris]

It read aloud very well - the rhythm had very few stumbles cept for the last of the last line.

[Talismanic]

I like the repetition and the goosebumps, 'Don't mind me; I'll rub my nerves raw.
And I'll rock in the corner to the hum of these 4 walls.'
I think what Trigorin meant is the final line feels forced to rhyme. Often in a poem structured this way, it unconsciously leaves the last impression, like a king-hit. It doesn't have to be a twist, but it could be a sum up incorporating the title. Please don't think I'm implying you should change anything, but just for the hell of it, I'm rolling off the top of my head. 'Screaming at you to make it stop;
At you defining me- by what I'm not.' ...:) That says nothing but to prove my terrible poetry.
This is as pure and dark as maddening love.

[Mande ThaBoss BabyGauges]

Thank you for your review! I appreciate the input every much and I will consider such in my next writing. I don't believe you proved to be bad at poetry. Haha. That is a very well put together verse. One that would have suited well with this poem :)

[Talismanic]

shux thank you^_^

[Mande ThaBoss BabyGauges]

No problem at all! I really appreciate the input.

[OneStrangeVibe]

absolutely invigorating(: so dark, and deep.

[Mande ThaBoss BabyGauges]

Thank you for your opinion! :) I'll be adding new work very soon.

[OneStrangeVibe]

you better!