Choices

Summary of my thoughts on some choices I've made.

Living life as a middle aged female, Okay looking, would be so much easier if I was not a parent. Being a young parent is a lot harder than I had expected. Would I change the fact that I have children? Absolutely not! I would, however, change the choices involved with my children. the who and when would be completely different.
I was very young when i started being interested in guys. I was a teenager, with raging hormones, peer pressure set in, and I became active in my feelings and I snuck around on my parents, lied to friends, skipped homework, and was in the mindset of "I don't care!' Young and stupid, as everyone says. But it was my teenage years. and that's when all the fun stuff starts to happen.
Middle and high school were treacherous to me. I was a loner for the most part. My circle of friends was probably about 10 people, and no guys were interested in me. most of them still talk to me. I didn't keep up with the latest fashion trends and hairstyles, couldn't afford to get my hair and nails done every week, and wore hand me downs because that's what my parents could afford. I got some nice things when the finances were available. I started working when I was in high school, which got me some of my own things. I didn't like to save money. I was never really taught to budget money, so I didn't have money to buy my own car. I drove dad's car until he passed away.
When daddy passed away, I rebelled sexually. I was in chat rooms online, meeting strangers who were 5-10 years older. A few very nice ones, some were ok, and a few were straight weirdos. I made a lot of bad decisions. I met one of my boyfriends online, and it went very well for a while. I found out I was 4 months pregnant, with my oldest, about 2 weeks after we got together. He wasn't happy, but accepted it. Then stuff went crazy., then we split. We still talk, but we've both moved on.
Found someone who I spent almost three years with, through my sister in law. I seriously thought that he would be the one. Things went amazing our first six months together. He proposed to me, and I was shocked. I had a feeling he was going to. Then, things went downhill and fast. His kids came back into his life, and the baby mama drama literally tore us apart. I don't blame the kids, it wasnt their fault. They were cute, sweet kids. We were on and off for two years. accusations, lies, manipulation, insecurities. We got into things too fast, which contributed to why things didn't work.
I rebelled in other ways too. after my youngest was born, I started officially smoking cigarettes, before I found out I was pregnant with my oldest, I started smoking weed, drinking once in a while, and a few minor bad things. Nothing I would've gotten arrested for, but they were bad choices.
Before my oldest was born, I was going to church, and I talked to the assistant pastor about how I wasn't sure if I could handle a child. She convinced me into looking into adoption. I had looked into abortion, but I was literally sobbing when I read the procedure. Anyone who wilffully gets pregnant and aborts a child is wrong. I had agreed to meet a family who was unable to have children of their own. A sweet couple, young. They had written a personal letter to me telling me about themselves. and I agreed for them to be the family who adopts my son. I met up with the agency, we talked about the options and once we had everything lined up, she pulls out my packet of papers to fill out and the procedures and laws. I told her that I'd like some time to think before I made an official decision. I read over the rules and everything, and I decided that I would go through with being a mother. It's my bed I made. now I must lay in it.
About ten months went by, and I was with the biggest mistake I have ever made. I find out I am pregnant again. I was about the same length as I was in my first pregnancy. This pregnancy I knew who the father was. I was faithful. and didn't do anything I wasn't supposed to. But he, on the other hand wanted to deny our child. We had a paternity test, and he was wrong. 99.98% his.
My oldest, I'm not sure who his father is. It's upsetting because it makes me really feel like a w***e. I was, I didn't care. The true love of my life had passed away, my father. I don't mean incest. But a daughter's first love,they say, is her father. I agree. My dad was my world.
Would I give up my children to live a "normal" young woman's life? Never! My children are my get up and go, they're my everything now. I would be lost without them. They are bad, they Ee spoiled rotten, but I still love them more than ANYTHING.