Forgiving Cancer: A Mother and Daughter's Journey to Peace

A story about how Cancer has affected one family and how they were able to overcome grief and death in the family. Inspiring filled with tools on how to deal with Cancer.

Chapter 1

 

It was 1997 and I was only 17. I could hear my mom talking on the phone. It sounded serious by the sound in her voice. It almost sounded like she was going to start crying. I figured if it were my business she would let me know. I had always been taught to stay out of other people’s business so I did.

I heard my mom place the phone on the base. I poked my head out and looked down the hall and she was just standing there wiping her eyes. I knew she was crying. She was trying to be quiet about it.

I never knew what to do if my mom was crying. I wondered what was wrong. Just then my 15-year-old brother came into the house. “What’s going on?” he asked. “Frank give me a minute,” she answered.

My brother was 5ft 11 inches tall. He had broad shoulders and was a bit stocky. He had dishwater blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. I guess you could say he was handsome. Girls seemed to like him.

He walked up to my mom and whispered, “You ok mom?” My mom just reached out her arms and engulfed him in a hug. She began sobbing. I figured I better get out there to help out. I knew my brother didn’t like to be around anyone when they cry.

I walked down the hall and reached my mom. She was short only five feet tall with curly black hair that she kept short. She too had piercing blue eyes like my brother. She would always tell us it’s the “Irish in me.”

  I rubbed her back and asked if she wanted to talk about what happened. She looked at me and put her hands cupping my face. “I love you and yes I would like to talk.”

Frank and I sat down with her on our couch in the living room. Our furniture was decent not too modest but I loved the pattern of barns and horses on the upholstery.

 “What is it mom?” I asked. “That was your grandmother. She told me that your grandfather has been diagnosed with lung cancer.” I felt a blow to my stomach. All of a sudden I felt weak and out of sorts. “What?” I said with a tremble to my speech.

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Is she serious? What is lung Cancer? I mean I know what it is but really didn’t know. I never knew anyone who ever had it.

Cancer again? It raced through my mind over and over. When I was around 7 or 8 years old my father was diagnosed with Leukemia. I didn’t know anything about Cancer or Leukemia. I just new it made you very sick and you can die from it.

 When my dad received his diagnosis my mom just fell apart. Here she was trying to raise two small children and her husband is going to be leaving her. We had a dark cloud follow us around for over the course of a year.

 I can remember the ambulance coming for my dad multiple times. I had always wondered if he would ever come back. For the better part of one year my dad spent a lot if not most of his time in a hospital. We would go and visit and this always made me feel quite uncomfortable.

  I never knew what to say or do. I was afraid to get close to him for then I would contract the Cancer. I did not want that to happen.

   One summer while visiting my grandparents at the campground they used to stay at. My dad came up with my mom to see me. I remember him wearing one of the hats he wore in the wintertime and it was a blistery 90 degrees outside.

 I couldn’t figure out why he was wearing that hat until he took it off and showed me that he no longer had any hair. I was devastated. I thought he was going to be bald the rest of his life. I was too young to understand that it was all a side effect from the Chemo he received.

God must have been watching over my dad because he beat the Cancer he was given and it never did come back. He eventually became a minister of God. It was kind of ironic because he never believed in God before. Amazing what happens to your thoughts when a miracle happens.

 I continued to hold my mom in my arms while she cried. I didn’t really know anything about lung cancer and I could tell from her reaction that it was a bad thing. I only knew about it from my dad’s experience and that turned out to be good.

I was hopeful that he would fight it off and that it would turn out good. I did not know that his life expectancy was limited. I just carried around the hope with me throughout the experience believing he too could be cured.

I let go of my mom and she told me that we should plan to make many trips down to see him and my grandma just in case. It was January at the time and I knew that snowstorms would interrupt our ability to make the two hours trips south.

  The very next weekend we made the trip luckily it did not snow. I lived in New Hampshire and we had the wickedest of storms in the winter. I lived all my life on the top of a mountain and most times we couldn’t get off of it because of the snow and because when it was a blizzard you couldn’t see anything in front of you.

That trip was uneventful and we got to spend some time with him at home where he looked very normal to me not sick at all. It was weird I always thought people should look very sick if they have Cancer running through their body killing off all their good cells while making more Cancer cells. However, I would find out that they actually don’t or at least the people I knew to have it didn’t.

My grandmother, mother, and grandfather spent time together in the main living room. Both my grandmother and mother were crying and I could hear my grandfather telling them to knock it off.

My grandfather was only in his mid 60s. He was a stout man not too tall around 5 feet 8 inches tall. He was in the Navy when he met my grandmother.

I can remember hearing stories about his time on one of the ships at Pearl Harbor. I never really listened when he talked about it. I wish I did because I have never met anyone else who was on one of the ships that were destroyed.

My grandfather’s name was Russell and he had silver in his red hair. His hair was a reddish brown color when he was younger but now it had turned to silver over the brown.

He was always drinking beer from his tap. He had a full size bar downstairs for entertaining. He spent most of his days down there dawdling around in the bar or in his shop, which was in the next room over.

 I never knew much about him he never was a big talker even when socializing with others. My grandmother was a chatty person and loved to talk for hours on the phone or to sit and have a lengthy chat with others.

My grandfather never spent much time with my grandmother it always seemed like a loveless relationship.

My grandfather was watching a football game and what I thought was ignoring the woman in the room. He did that quite often. I think this was the reason my mom had such difficulties in her own relationships.

  I went outside with my brother and we played with my grandmother’s dog Gretchen. She was a schnauzer and very cute. She really didn’t like kids much but she was used to me being around because I spent every summer there with my grandparents until I was 14.

  We stayed and visited my grandparents for the next four hours before we headed the two hours home. I was relieved to go home it just felt uncomfortable being there. I was still a kid on my way to being an adult. I really didn’t know how to deal with the situation.

Over the next two months we went down to see my grandparents every weekend. Some weekends we would stay the whole weekend and others we only stayed for a day. In March of that year my grandfather went into the hospital. His lungs had filled up with fluid.

 The doctors had warned us that this could happen and that he could end up drowning. Because of the Pneumonia he got from this they were unable to administer any radiation or Chemo.

One Saturday late in March we went to see my grandfather in the hospital. It didn’t look good. I could hear my mom talking to the doctors with my grandmother and the doctors were telling them that they didn’t believe he would make it more than a few months.

  At the end of April my grandfather passed away. It was devastating to the family especially my grandmother. I felt horrible inside. I had never lost anyone to death and this was just all too much for me.

 I tried to be strong for my grandmother and mother but I couldn’t deal with this death on my own. I didn’t go to his funeral for I was just too afraid. I don’t know what I was afraid of but I was terrified.

  I hid on a large rock in my back yard where I could be alone to cry. I cried everyday for his loss. I did not know it would affect me so much. I knew then that I hated Cancer. I now wished that I had went to his funeral for it would have allowed me to say “goodbye”.

  I never did really get to say “goodbye” to him and would regret this the rest of my life. I tried to say “goodbye” in my own way over the years but I don’t feel it was the same as being there and having closure.

Over the years to come the pain lessened for my family and we were able to get on with our lives. My mother would go and visit my grandmother often to make sure she was doing well. My grandmother was a tough old bird. She seemed to deal with his death quite well probably better than the rest of us.

I can remember my grandmother got a job at the local McDonald’s. She loved it. I couldn’t believe my grandmother wanted to work at McDonald’s but she did and it kept her busy for the next few years.

Three years after my grandfather’s death, my grandmother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. My mom fell apart when she found out. I was just beside myself. “Cancer again really?” I didn’t know what to think but I knew she would die.

I tried to be hopeful and tried to carry the hope I had with me when my grandfather was diagnosed with Cancer. I just couldn’t I had my bubble burst when he died of it.

I was 20 years old now and living on the west coast. I was unable to visit her like I did my grandfather. I did however call her often and we would have lengthy talks as adults. I loved those chats we had and cherish the moments that I was able to get to know her as a person, as a woman in my family.

  My grandmother went through several surgeries and chemo and radiation and she kicked it. Her Breast Cancer went into remission and she never did get it in her breasts again. I again was filled with hope and joy. I would get to see my grandmother again.

 I made a trip home the following year and went to see her and we spent much time becoming great friends. I never knew her as a person only as my grandmother. She was a very interesting person.

She told me how she played the guitar and sang and how my grandfather and her used to have a band. I was shocked. I am sure my mouth flew open as she told me her stories of rocking out and playing music.

 My mom never told me anything about them when they were younger. I would find out years later that they were heavy into booze and were physically abusive towards each other and my mother.

Chapter 2

 In the year of 1996 my grandmother was diagnosed with Colon Cancer. My world just collapsed. “How could this be?” I kept asking God. “Why does she have to deal with Cancer again?” I never did get an answer to these questions.

  I of course didn’t know anything about this kind of Cancer this was before I owned a computer that went on the Internet. I relied on my mother and grandmother to let me know what the doctors say about it.

I was scared. I knew by the way my mom talked about it that it was not going to be a good thing. I knew this one would take her. I just didn’t know when. I was terrified every time my mother left a voice mail message on my phone.

My mom called me and was leaving a message on the phone when I was walking through the door. “Mom,” I said while picking up the phone and placing it on my ear.

“Hi, honey,” she said. “I wanted to talk with you about your grandmother. The doctors found a large mass in her colon and will need to remove it. She is in surgery right now. I am calling you from her phone at the house. I am heading over to the hospital right now.

I wanted you to know that I will be staying here for the next month and so call me here,” She told me while trying to control the shakiness of her voice.

  “Is she going to be ok? What do the doctors expect?” I asked.

 “They don’t know honey. We won’t know much until after the surgery is over and see how she does with Chemo and Radiation,” she told me. I couldn’t believe that this was happening in my family again.

  I began to wonder if we were all being punished for something we did. I just didn’t know why this was affecting us. I was still young and naïve and really didn’t know that much about Cancer or the different types.

I talked with my mom a few more minutes and then we ended the call. She gave me the phone number to the hospital and my grandmother’s room number. She told me that she would call me after my grandmother came out of surgery.

My mom did not call me until the next morning. She told me that the surgery went well and that my grandmother was doing well. The doctors felt good about how much of the mass they were able to get. I was happy to hear this news.

I called my grandmother the next day and we had a short chat because she was receiving morphine for the pain and that knocked her out. We talked about me and school and my work.

At the time I was in college gathering my needed credits to graduate with an AS in Social and Behavioral Science.

 We talked for the next fifteen minutes before the nurse came to administer a shot of morphine for pain. I told her that I loved her and we hung up.

  I realized after I hung up that we had never told each other that we loved one another. I wondered why this was. My mom too barely every told my brother and I that she loved us but she did give us hugs and kisses on occasions.

  I never grew up knowing what it really felt like to feel loved or even knew what I should be feeling toward someone else. There were times that I hated my brother and mother as a child. I knew what that felt like but not what unconditional love ever felt like.

 Every day I tried to call my grandmother so that I could talk to her. I talked to her about school and my classes. She told me how proud of me she was. I realized no one had ever told me that they were proud of me.

  I couldn’t ever remember a time where my mom told me that she was proud of me. I yearned for her to tell me “Good job” or “I’m proud of you,” when I got an A or did well in a class.

  I guess maybe my mom didn’t hear that much as a child either. See we learn from what we are shown by our parents. So if they told us they loved us or gave hugs and kisses we too are more likely to do this with our own families when we were grown.

  I enjoyed all my phone conversations with my grandma. I realized that I really missed her. I had wished I had been able to get to know her when I was spending summers with her but I never felt like I did.

 When I would go and see her in the summer we would spend time shopping and eating out but I don’t remember really having conversations with her. I knew that she loved to play the organ which she did everyday.

  She took me to lessons one summer but since I didn’t have an organ at my regular home. I didn’t practice once summer was over. I never felt very good at it.

I learned that my grandmother loved baseball and she watched all the games. She was a die-hard Red Sox fan. I grew up watching the games but never really got into them.

   I also learned that my grandmother loved to watch black and white movies late at night. She would stay up until midnight or so watching these movies. She would always end up falling asleep half way through and snoring.

I guess I might have known her a little at least. I just never talked to her about what she likes to do or what she did as a child. I really didn’t know her personal side.

Now with these phone conversations I have been having with her. I find that I am finding out who she really was and where her values came from.

My grandmother worshiped spiders. As a child I always thought she was nuts. She taught me never to kill a spider but to capture them and put them in a safe place outside. Well I am terrified of spiders because I have been bitten many times and I don’t like them.

My grandmother loved them so much that she had a pendent made out of gold of a spider. She named it “Ida the spida.” She wore that thing all the time. I imagine conversations were interesting regarding that spider necklace.

She cherished that spider necklace all her life. She wore it each day and when she died my mom gave it to me. I today have Ida in my jewelry box. I have not worn for I don’t think I dare.

 I had just gotten home from work and walked through the door. I was just sitting down when I heard a friend of mine calling my name from outside. I looked out the window and it was Richard a good friend of mine from back east.

 He was the whole reason I ended up on the west coast living in California. I had met him in 1986. I was only 16 at the time. We had both been going to a concert and staying at a mutual friend's home.

I was instantly attracted to him. He was tall 6 ft with straight brownish gold hair. It was cut short around his ears. He was skinny which I liked a lot.

I flirted with him over the course of the next two days and we ended up an item. We spent the next four days getting to know each other and he invited me to come to the cape with him and his friend. He asked his mom and she was very liberal and cool with it.

My mom, however, was not so much and she wanted to meet him first. Since I lived two or more hours away I chose to go anyways and I let my mom know once we arrived at his house.

 There was something different about this boy. I think I loved him. I just did not want to be separated from him ever. I could not imagine ending my time with him.

 Over the next two weeks we spent time getting to know each other and falling in love. We both were in love at this point we just were too scared to tell each other. I really didn’t know if it was real or not because I wasn’t sure what it should feel like.

  When the two weeks came up it was time for me to go home. I would be starting my sophomore year of high school in one week. Rich and his friend Doug drove me the four hours home. They planned to stay the weekend with us and then head home.

My mom interrogated the two of them trying to feel them out. I was so embarrassed by her bluntness but that was my mom she was very blunt about what she wanted to know.

 Sunday had come very quickly and I would need to say goodbye to Rich. I hugged him and didn’t want to let go. I never told him that I loved him but I knew that I did. My heart pounded as I kissed him goodbye.

  I stood there watching him pull out to leave. Tears were streaming down my face. Why was I crying? I never felt so alone as I did that day. I walked inside and went to my room where I lay on my bed crying. I knew I would never see him again.

My mom came in and held me as I cried. We talked about how she knew I loved him and she thought he loved me too and that we would find a way for us to be together.

 Over the next few months Rich and I talked every night. We told each other how we missed each other. He said he had an idea but would need to talk to my mom.

 I found out later that he offered to take care of any construction type needs and anything he could do to help my mom and that he would pay rent if he could move into my brother’s room.

   I couldn’t believe it when she told me that she told him “yes.” I was ecstatic! He was to move in three weeks. He needed to put in two weeks at his job and to move his things. I couldn’t believe I was going to be living in the same house as my boyfriend.

Richard and I stayed together until I was 23 at that time we went down different paths and chose to break up. I just never felt like we would ever be married. It had been 7 years and I wanted to get married and have kids. It seemed to me that he did not so I broke it off and moved on.

I was sitting at the table staring out the window trying to figure out why I heard Rich’s voice calling my name. I thought I might be dreaming. I then saw his van outside parked on the street. He had this 70’s all gray van that I used to call “The Mystery Van.”

I then realized he was outside at the door. I walked over to the door and let him in. I hadn’t seen him in about 6 months. He was all sweaty and dirty. He had just come from work.

 “Hey, how you doing,” he asked while leaning up against the wall. “I just been busy working and going to school,” I answered while walking toward the patio door. I hand gestured for him to come.

 We sat down on a bench and I lit up a cigarette. I was nervous to see him. I still had feelings for him but didn’t want him to ever know that.

“My grandmother is sick with Colon Cancer,” I blurted it out without thinking about it. I inhaled deeply the cigarette smoke. “Wow I don’t know what to say,” he told me starring straight ahead. “I came here to ask you if you would like to go back east with me?” I can get a good deal on the flight if I have someone with me.”

 I didn’t know what to say. Yes I wanted to go back there so I could see my grandma one last time. “Yes I want to go. How much will my ticket cost?” I asked. He told me that he would buy the ticket for me so that I could see my grandmother.

  I made plans over the next month to prepare for my journey. I took two weeks off at work and took out my vacation time. We were to leave in four weeks so it gave me time to save a little bit of money for while I was there.

  Richard picked me up at 6 am our flight left at 9 am for Manchester NH. We had a straight flight with no connecting flights. I was so happy that I would get to see my family. I had not been back to New Hampshire in 3 or 4 years. I really missed everyone.

 We talked about our lives. He was working to earn his Contractor’s license and I told him how I was working toward graduating from college.

He was pleased I decided to go to college and told me how proud of me he was. I felt a spark for a moment as he told me that. He reached out for my hand and brought it up to his chest and kissed it. He then set my hand back on my lap and stared out the window.

 What the hell just happened? Why did he do this to me? I didn’t want to encourage him so I didn’t say anything about it. I got comfortable in my seat and put my headphones on and listened to music for the next hour.

It was raining out when we landed in Manchester. His mom and step dad were there to pick us up. They both gave me a big hug and kiss. His mom and I had been very close and she always wanted us to be married and to have children.

 We walked with them out to the mini van they had. It was white with gold stripes. When the van door opened out jumped Rich’s little brother Roy. He gave me a big hug. I always loved him.

It’s amazing who and what you will miss when a long-term relationship ends. I really missed these people in my life. They really were like family.

   The plan was to go and get pizza for dinner and I would spend the night at Rich’s mom’s tonight and tomorrow they would give me a ride to my mom’s house. We got in around 11 pm and I was beat so I went to bed.

 I could hear Richard and his family having a few drinks and celebrating his return. I closed my eyes and fell fast asleep.

  I awoke to the sun beaming down on my face. I looked over on the wall at the cuckoo clock that sits there. It read 8 o’clock. I pulled the covers off me and got up and went to the bathroom.

   The rest of the house was still asleep. I decided to take a shower and begin to get ready so that when they were ready to take me I could go to my mom’s house.

   I got dressed and put my makeup on and did my hair. I was ready by 9 am and when I opened the bathroom door everyone was up and bustling around. Rich told me that he would give me a ride.

He drove me the 30 minutes to my mom’s house. It felt strange to be in a car by myself with him and back east with him. I felt like the last three years had never happened and that we were together again. But we weren’t.

We arrived at my mom’s ranch. My mom worked with horses and had a small tack shop and ranch on five acres in Unity NH. The house I grew up in was small. It was three bedrooms and two baths but had very small rooms. All together the house was probably around 1300 sqft.

We pulled up the circle drive around to the back. The house was a rustic orange color. The paint was chipping off. It really needed at paint job. My mom came running out the door and when she saw Richard she screamed in joy.

She ran up to him and hugged him, “I didn’t know I would get to see you?” she said smiling from ear to ear. “Hi Honey,” she said to me as she walked up to me and hugged and kissed me.

   She grabbed both us by the arms and pulled us toward the house. We entered the door and I could smell tomato sauce. It smelt divine. “Mom what are you cooking?” I asked.

 “American Chop Suey,” she said as she walked into the kitchen to stir the food. I sat down in an oak chair that went to her oak dining table. Richard sat next to me.

  She fired questions at Rich while she stood in the kitchen stirring the food. She asked the usual questions like what has he been doing and whom is he seeing. I was embarrassed that she would ask him all these questions.

  She then asked him if he had plans to get back together with me. I totally lost my breath and changed the subject immediately and began talking about school and my classes.

    Rich stayed for dinner and we all ate together like we used to do when I was still living there. I missed being in New Hampshire and being close to my family.

    Ever since I was a little girl I had always dreamed of living in Ca. I knew that one day I would end up out there. I just didn’t know that it would take a guy to get me there.

    Rich stayed and visited until about 9 pm. He gave my mom a hug and kiss goodbye and I could hear her whisper in his ear, “You let the love of your life go and I want to know what you are going to do about it?” He smiled and kissed her on her cheek and said goodbye.

  “How could you tell him that mom?” I asked as we headed back inside. It was getting a little cold and I felt goosebumps on my arms. We came back inside and it felt warmer.

  I sat down and talked to my mom about grandma and how I wanted to visit her before I went home in two weeks. We made plans to spend some time with her this next week. I was excited to go and see her.

My mom tried to warn me about how she looked. She told me that she had lost around 100 pounds and had a colostomy bag. She told me how it sometimes smells after you eat. I didn’t care I just was anxious to see her again.

Chapter 3

 I awoke with the smell of coffee filling up my nostrils. MMMM it smelt so good. I got out of bed and put on my robe. I went into the bathroom and looked at my face in the mirror. I had bags under my eyes. I felt like I had a little Jet Lag from my plane ride.

  I walked out into the kitchen, which is very small, just enough room for one person at a time. The kitchen had counters that went all the way around you with cupboards all under the counters.

 I opened the cupboard that held the cups and poured myself a cup of coffee. I searched for creamer and found some in the back of cupboard. My mom always drank her coffee black.

 I took my cup of coffee and joined my mom whom was sitting at the table reading the local morning paper. “Good morning sunshine,” she said to me. “Hi Mom,” I said while sipping on my coffee. “There is some cereal, toast, or a bagel for breakfast,” she told me while folding up the newspaper.

 “So, what’s up with you and Rich?” she asked while staring through me. “Nothing we are just friends mom, “ I said with a whimper. “We aren’t planning to get back together