Murder (Or Was It Suicide?) (A Semi-Story)

This is not what you think - honestly, read and see.

It was inevitable. Her death was wholly inevitable. What was I to do? I had my legitimate reasons…I do not need to justify myself to anyone, especially no man.  How could I possibly continue upon the path of my choosing, the path leading towards a successful life granting my notions, my aspirations….with motherhood, matrimony, and sensitivity hindering me?!  How was I supposed to pursue fame, fortune, my entitlement to equal acknowledgement, and conquer those obstacles presented during my ascension of the corporate ladder….with hubby, home and housewifery demanding my devotion?!

Marriage, what is marriage? I, pledge myself in eternal partnership to a man, of all things! Men are weak. Too weak for my tastes - I chew them up, and spit them out. Either that or they are chauvinistic pigs obsessed with their own superiority and dominance. Why would I chain myself to that which I desire to neuter, vanquish, and otherwise control? And once emasculated, why would I care for a spineless thing…to be acknowledged his equal in nearly (if not every) aspect – physical strength and ability, in combat and conquest, in all those fine “manly” points…and relinquish my victory by partnering with the very thing I have reduced to such a despicable state?

Hardly. Never. No point. No purpose. That would be intolerable.

Besides, once forced into submission, into worthless subsistence, into the meaningless existence of a subservient, opinion-less wimp; once I am the greater, why would I require him any further? He is nothing. I am everything he was, but is no longer….he has ceased to be a necessary, or even desirable part.

Children, what are children? Why should I raise bricks that will drown my ambition in the ocean of obscurity and phrases laced with “have-not’s and could’ve been’s”? Why should I be burdened with the weight of continuing society’s growth? Why must I care for the future of another...me is enough, why should I have children to maintain human development? Why do I care if there are too few children being born? Why do I care about the very preciousness of life that, someone, at sometime, chose to give me? I am my own person. I do not need the responsibilities of the world, let alone the responsibilities of offspring. Ill-timed, unwanted offspring - never mind that such comes from my own self-indulgence.

Reproducing, building the future of stable foundations, is TOO far in that ever so distant future…Another, a housewife with no aspirations, no ambitions, no higher goals, she can waste her time farming the seeds, that will grow into saplings, that will grow into full trees, that will maintain and improve upon the system as we know it. In the meantime, I have a life to live…places to go and see, deals to draw, positions to gain, women (ideologically resembling me) of power espousing my same ideals to further and support. Cradle rockers to mock, and the loose life of betrayal and non-commitment to indulge.

Families, as a whole? Bah!  Families demand my focus, demand that I work to make them last, work beyond myself, demand I see farther.  It would be required that I gaze past the trivialities frustrating me, like…breaking a nail, my coffee not being brewed *just so*, my boss not granting me that raise, that new open spot, but instead giving it to my better-qualified male co-worker (obviously sexist, chauvinistic, and bigoted)…families demand that I live in the bigger picture.

That I disregard the realism clearly present in the family life, disregard the root of society, the base of units knit strong and close, that supports the world that has developed, will develop, and MUST develop in order to flourish….

Relationships based upon knowing each other’s greatest weaknesses, practicing trust, ignoring your own insignificant whims, self-centered likes and dislikes; compromising, striving, working for the mutual good of the community, their successful maturing, thusly, the ultimate support and well being of you. Why would I want to sacrifice my own “enlightenment” for the foundation of families, of towns, of counties, of states, of governments, of countries, of the world?

I am the broad-minded - I am an individual. Dependence on a complementing other is weakness. The teamwork of marriage is outdated – I would rather skip it, and weather the world alone…why would I want to share the glory of my supposed victory, when I can sit in my over-stuffed sofa of leather, with the latest technologically advanced TV, the latest soap of unreality, keeping me company?

I am the unattached being of the world - I am an individual. Children require time, attention, love, self-sacrifice that I need for myself. I cannot sway from my own satisfaction, my own self-gratification; distracting from my own desires.

I deny me nothing. I want money. I want power. I want the means to access pleasure and instant self-gratification. Sex without consequences. Greed without consequences. Ignoring reality without consequences. My pursuits, regardless of anyone else’s, without consequences.


I am not her. I am not soft. I am not tender. I cannot be. I must pursue my own course, as is plainly obvious. That is why she had to die…
She begged, so gently, and I hesitated, for a moment, but that hesitation was swiftly condemned, and crushed…Still, only beginning in the small things…I was too weak, at first, to leave her completely….

First, I only butchered her hair, cropped it close, slashed her robe of flowing feminine beauty, until it was as sheared as my male company’s…

Then…I altered her clothing…those skirts, so graceful, swooshing, back and forth…no, to be as free as a man, why not some pants, and baggy at that? Or…better yet….why not just remove it, entirely? Why not use myself to bring them down…why not take my value, and squander it, so that there is nothing completely in my own possession, that will keep me separate from them, that will make me feel different, unique? Why not strip, why not waste, my beauty of mysteries?

Finally…my speech, my attitude, everything…I purged me of my ability to comfort and empathize, to mother and softly lull to sleep. My tone became brassy, my eyes cold, hard and penetrating, lost was their warmth….her sweetness seeped, leaked, giving way to the poison of seduction deceiving….of advancing as advertised “fit”, “educated”, “free”, and “equal”.

You’ve heard it all, my narration…you cannot help but see that, once so much had changed, she became a relic, useless….only baggage waiting to be shipped forever away…worn clothing set to be burned….a bad memory, a filthy stench of my former weaknesses.

So, I grasped her by the roots of her glossy glory…looking into her ever compassionate orbs…resenting the grace, understanding, and sympathy pooling in those depths, the peace glowing across her strong countenance.
She bent her pretty, little neck, and leaned to whisper delicate, yet…firm….guiding words into my ears…tears slipping down her cheeks, as she observed the determination of this inevitability freeze upon my face.

And I watched…as her shapely curves rotted away from that body hung and swinging in the breeze, the buzzards circling, guarding, prepared to finish her carcass…

I killed woman.
I murdered my feminine self.
I killed woman.
And I am trying to be rid of man.
I killed woman.
Children are a thing of the past…
I kill them, too, in the womb.

And it all began….
When I killed woman.

Author's Note

This still needs some polishing. Any suggestions are welcome :-)

I am a female. And proud of it. I think for myself. I am strong, and I do not lack independence, or attitude. But I am still a woman. And I embrace that...men have abilities I do not, and I FOR SURE have abilites they do not. I refuse to relinquish my womanhood to a myth, a lie, of society.

I wrote this from the first person perspective...but I was using it as irony and sarcasm to make a point. Though I may have been tempted, even if only mildly, at some point to accept this sort of mind set, that draw has long since passed, and a deep sadness tinged with an intense indignation has replaced it...and has no intention or inclination to move elsewhere.

Reviews

[Salem]

This was very good! I am a woman myself, and a bit of a feminist...ok...quite a big feminist! So my friends say. I am proud to be a woman, I am also proud to fight for it, and where I live, that is required. I appretiate this peice, it really reaches out to someone like me! Maybe some men will read it and learn something! Don't get me wrong, i know that not all men are like that, in-fact, feminist or not, i have more guy friends than girl friends! Anyway, great job, great point!!

[J.E. Stroud]

I like it, though it seems like somewhat of a parody of feminist ideas.
Aside from that, it was well-written, and interesting.