The Old Man's Confession

A dying old man took the courage to ink his emotions towards a woman who gives him rejuvenation. What is it? Read on.

In this last dying moment of mine, I want to hold back. I want the time freeze. I want a bit more of the time ticking on my favor. But, the weariness that my body feels is just too much. Indeed, it is now seeking for its peace since I have benefitted from its vigor and strength way back then.

People like me want to live a life in which happiness is uncontainable. But that will still remain to be seen even at the nearing of my death. Certainly, I have sapped all the juice and energy my body once possessed and used it to the extent that fulfills my desire in life. Yes, I have become successful in my life"at least to my belief. I have various wealth. Wealth I got from my humanly toils. I have money, properties, lands, numerous businesses, cars, jewels, and all the mundane things the world has to offer. Yet, despite having those, there’s still things which I did not have. True wealth this world brings that I, being wealthy, never once have. I don’t have a family to call my own. Yes, I had wives and children but they are nowhere of sight here in my dying melting days. There’s no one I can cling on when my back aches or when I wanted to stand and lift myself for a release. There’s no one I could call when I want my diapers be replaced or my stinky filthy garments be washed. And most especially, there’s no one who provides me warmth in recurring nights of hapless, tormenting cold.

I once was in a very desperate and distressing circumstance, and I wished then to cut the veins that let my blood pass through, but that I did not do. For despite having the misery my soul almost couldn’t bear, I still hoped the coin be flipped in the advantageous side. Day by day, I hoped my wife would come and then I would ask forgiveness. My children would come and I could show them my last expression of love. And my grandchildren would come so that I can use my last line of energy to play with them and paint their faces smiles and happy thoughts. But nobody came. And every day that I chose to survive, I get slimmer chances of its realization. And one day, I succumbed to the idea of living with somebody to take care of me. I went to this aged care institution and chose to be with people with similar or at least with close situation as I am. In the end, I thought, being and sharing your lament with someone was a nice venture.

Then came a lady whose smile was ever as bright as the plain white uniform that she’s wearing. It was a smile I once saw painted from somebody else’s face before. But that I could not recall anymore. It was a smile that brought back vigor and warmth to my freezing cold decaying body. It was a smile that ever reassure my shaken psyche. And each day I happened to be with that woman, I seem to come alive. My once sapped body came into rejuvenation. And when she spoke to me for the first time, I then knew, from the deepest recesses of my withered heart, that I found I companion, a friend, a confidante. And that is you, Daisy. What a sweet name. And it hums sweeter to my ears the more I got to know you.

And each day, I looked forward to seeing you, hearing your voice, hearing your stories, hearing you sing, hearing you laugh (like an innocent child), hearing your powerful reassurance that everything to me would be fine. My once so lonesome punishing day became a day of joy and unexplainable tinge of happiness. Every time you opened the door for another tour of duty, I feel exhilarated. Then, one night, I asked myself why such is happening to me. You did nothing to make me feel and experience this way. Then, I believe, for the first time that such is magic. And you are magic. You replenished this so withered human body and now it hopes to make the most of it begging for the fate to give me more days to live. You made that by doing nothing. Once again, I call it magic. And again, you are magic.

To be honest, I feel sad when you bade me those sweet “goodbyes” of yours. I have never treasured a moment with a person just as yours. It was like I was removed of my fantastic dream land when you leave. And when you’re nearing your off, it was like a timed bomb ticking to the last seconds. But, the tomorrows bring good promise to me. I have never prayed so hard for a person to be perfectly fine and healthy for another day of work. Because if you are here, it means another ride to my fantastic dream land to me. And when you’re here, I feel like my body possesses the nerves and blood I used to have six decades back.

I tried as hard as possible for you not to notice me. I tell you it’s difficult. Sometimes I found it so hard to keep a glance with you. I always make myself stare. It’s also difficult to look at you in the eye. It feels like there are millions of butterflies in my stomach flying together. And when you touch me, I feel like I am going to explode. I bet you know what I mean.

Sometimes I ask myself whether I have lost my sanity and my logic. No matter how many looks I do in front of the mirror, I always get the same reflection. That my skin is heavily wrinkled, that my backbone is curved, that my eyes heavy with eye bags, that my knees sore, and that I stink. To put it straight, I am old. Maybe too old.

I had so many instances when I badly wanted to tell you what’s going on with me hoping that you would understand. But I chose not to. I’m afraid I would embarrass you, then lose you and it would be the end of my life. I don’t know how you would react upon reading this for certainly I would not be with you when that moment comes. Perhaps, I am now in the state of total darkness or nothingness. I have to thank Connie for this. I told him to give this to you when I die. I don’t want to bury this so a good thing that happened in my life. That’s why I tried hard to ink my thoughts for you to know. As my body indicates that I have to rest soon, I want to thank you for your kindness. Daisy, thank you for lighting up my life once again. You deserve the best of everything. Keep inspiring people, especially people like me (laugh).

So here it is.

Daisy…

with my guilty heart…

red face…

and all honesty…

I loved you!

Author's Note

Welcomes any comment, feel free to share your thoughts

Reviews

[Justin Robben]

This piece seems personal. As if you knew/know someone in such a bittersweet position.
The sentiment is there. It's real and touching.
I think (and don't mean to offend, so please excuse) that English may not be your first language, however. There are too many errors, in grammar, spelling and tense. Even some of the word choices are off, while some are chosen perfectly.
I think it is need of an editor and could be a sad, sweet piece.

[makoy]

I truly appreciate your comment about this. True, English is my second language and I guess it is really evident in my writing (you've sensed it). I hope I could hear your thoughts once again. It would surely be a great help to me. Thanks!