Almost

This is my first time to write something like this.

I was happy. You were there. I felt calm and relaxed. The idea of you accompanying me going at home was just so sweet. I admit, my everything swooned over at the thought of that. I don’t have to worry myself about the terrifying thoughts of wak-wak, white ladies, ungo, mananaggal, kapre, and the barrio’s drug addicts. You were just a comfort, an instant hero"my gentle knight less the shining armor. I had to admit, I felt guilty. Guilty that I couldn’t accompany you upon going back to the centro. You chose not to have friends going with you. And I was quite impressed with that. Then, I thought, you are just too brave. 

And then we’re nearing to the huge acacia tree that I dreaded a lot. Yes, even during the day. I’m already petrified imagining those tikbalang, engkanto, kapre, and not-like-us others. But, that night never did I feel any bit of horror. 

You stopped, suddenly. Really, it made me puzzled. We’re you afraid as well? Did you see someone out there who wasn't to be seen. I was suddenly struck with scary thoughts. But you assured me. You washed away any fear that I had in all my human nerves. You grabbed me. We sat next to each other rested to the accommodating big trunk. You ran your fingers up and down my bare arms. I didn’t know what you wanted to do. I shivered. I shuddered. Then you, grabbed me closer to you. I could feel your warmth. I could feel your heartbeat. It’s damn too fast. But I didn’t care. 

Then, you started kissing me continuously caressing my bare arms. I didn’t really know what to do. But you’re safe, I thought. And I was just there susceptible to your relentless hungry lips ravaging mine. And it was not long when I felt that “that should not happen”. Then I thought that we weren’t lovers. You’re just my crush. And I wasn’t sure you feel the same way. But you kept on kissing me. Your fast fingers slid through my bra. “Is this right?” I asked myself shocked. Then you cupped for my breasts. I was ever so tense. I badly wanted to stop you. I pushed you. But your lips and hands kept on insisting. I resisted as hard as ever but you’re just getting stronger. Too tough for my feminine strength. 

Then, your fingers went down there. And I heard you laugh. I could sense you smirk. But the darkness hid your vicious expressions. Your fingers got too playful"pricking inside me. And it badly hurt inside. I wanted to scream but I was afraid somebody would hear me. I started crying, sobbing heavily but you seemed to be dumbfounded with your on the spot orchestration. Then, you suddenly stopped and I could hear you lower down your zipper. And I thought of an opportunity. I pushed you and you we’re out of balance. And I ran for my life. I ran the fastest that I could. The thought of you chasing me made my stride faster than ever. 

Like a bolt, I arrived in our house"a house I never once considered a haven. I went straight to my bed. There I thought of that horrible plight. There I thought of my sleeping parents. There I displayed my extreme agitation. There I thought how evil you were. And there I poured the cry of my life.

Author's Note

I would love to receive any criticism.

Reviews

[Sesame]

Hello Makoy,

What a dark and unsettling story. Readin this made me properly uneasy. So that is a job well done by you. I agree with earlier comments about the 'then you' and the lack of dialogue. But next to this I also have some practical sugggestions to improve this story

accompanying me going at home -> "...going home" lose the "at"

wak-wak, white ladies, ungo, mananaggal, kapre -> although this lingo appeals to me, I have no idea what these are and I figure many readers are with me on this one. If your readers do not understand you, your words make no impact. So maybe indicate what you are talking about here, example: "There were all kinds of ghosts: wak-wak, etc.

You were just a comfort, an instant hero -> this sounds like a contradiction to me. With "just a comfort" you are playing it down, while "instant hero" blows it up.

hero"my gentle -> scan your text for sloppy punctuation, it distracts the reader

In the next 3 lines, your commas are in the wrong place/not supposed to be there at all.
a) And I was quite impressed with that. Then I thought, you are just too brave.
b) Then you grabbed [pulled?] me closer to you.
c) Then you started kissing me, continuously caressing my bare arms.

We’re you afraid as well? -> "were you afraid as well?"

Did you see someone out there who wasn't to be seen. -> add a "?"

all my human nerves. -> did she have any other type of "nerves"? if not "human" is superfluous

We sat next to each other rested to the accommodating big trunk. -> "...rested against the.."

Then you cupped for my breasts. -> lose the "for"

playful"pricking -> lose the "

And it badly hurt inside -> change order: "And it hurt badly inside"

And I ran for my life. I ran the fastest that I could. The thought of you chasing me made my stride faster than ever. -> 3 sentences to say the same. It is already obvious that running for your life implies running the fastest you could and faster then ever. Choose one sentence and lose the other two.

house"a house -> "=,

Hope this helps.

Regards,

Sesame

@followsesame on Twitter
www.themagiccave.com

[Robert Parlange]

All the elements of a story are there. I’m not sure if this was a short story or an essay. Either way it still follows the basic three-act play. Beginning, middle, and end.
Dialogue wouldn't hurt. Remember, a writer is trying to communicate. The clearer the writing, the more the reader understands what you are trying to say.
All writing is about emotion. You are trying to touch the reader's heart.

[makoy]

Hello Aramis360,

I am deeply grateful with your honest review. I had also thought of my repeated use of "then you's" and "and then's". You simply gave me an idea and a confirmation that such ploy affects the dynamism of my writing. Your suggestions would be highly regarded. This is another learning opportunity. I hope this isn't the last time to hear from you. Thanks a million!

[aramis360]

Makoy,

I think you have serious potential as a writer. You already understand the basics of keeping your sentences simple, clear, and concise. This is something many writers struggle with. You also keep the pacing consistent, which helps the reader along, and doesn't drag him or lead him in different directions.

I would say that a bit of diversity in the openings of your sentences may give your story more angles and depth. I see a lot of "Then you"s and "And then"s, which, sure, explains what is happening at the moment, but these openings become redundant to the reader. I would recommend that while reading good writing you focus on the openings and closings of each sentence. See how the writer begins and ends each line, and discover the diversity in their wording.