he isn't real

just came up with it .. hope you like it

 imaginary friends are real and some are demons this is for those who say they're not :

I told her everything is fine and that joe isn’t real

But disbelieve in her I could feel

“What about a sleep over? “ we made a deal

In the night we sat alone, dead silence all around

She wanted to know what joe was like

But I never wanted to talk

How would I say that he has no body

He’s everywhere even in the lobby

He hasn’t one voice but he has many

Mixture of screaming crying and weeping

Of souls he eats to keep living

Every night he talks to me

“am all around you” he reminds me

“and I m hungry, keep feeding me”

“That’s what friends do for each other to be happy”

And if I refuse he stars screaming

With shadowy hands I m fixed listening

To the sound of my death , my hell , he starts whispering

“ it’s your life that I m sparing ,feed me now I am starving”

“ and don’t be sad you’ll get used to killing”

I have a friend named joe ,every night he talks to me

He says a killer I will be

I don’t know how many lives I helped taking away

I m sorry Kelly you are the next he said yesterday

Cracks outside, drills moving around

“It must be wind” ,She stood up walking around

she turned the switch seeking for light

But joe is here it’s already too late

The moon outside as red as blood

“it’s not wind , just go bed “

White sheets turned blood red

The night outside as silent as the dead

The demon inside just ate and slept

 

I told her everything is fine and joe isn’t real

But disbelieve in her I could feel

I m sorry Kelly I hope you see

That no one should know that joe is real 

Author's Note

i know it's not that good but opinions are always welcomed

Reviews

[Carl Drake Barnard]

WOW,feeling so thankful for sharing this and reading this! The concept it self for me is a mystery I will say. But you capture and put so awesomely! Very touching,good flow and word structure! This peace goes deep within being a sense of desire,truth adventure the sensation of knowing a bit from future to come. And then It's going to be Kelly, and the end where no one must know a sure doubt from understanding from the past as Kelly's actions made it clear no one should know,cause the effect of such knowledge would harm you and Joe.

[maissa]

thank you for the review . i'm so glad that you liked it

[Chris]

Would make an "interesting" screenplay.

[TheRaven]

It's already been mentioned that if the rhyme scheme is what you were going for here, then some of the rhythm was rather basic as well as choppy. You lost the rhythm and the beat every now and then, but at the same time that's okay considering this is a horror-ish type poem. With this kind of topic you could justify a break in the flow, but it has to have a purpose. I didn't feel like it did. We went stop and go.

"He hasn’t one voice but he has many
Mixture of screaming crying and weeping"

See how the flow is way screwed up from one line to the next?

Here's how I might change that:

"He doesn't have one voice, he has many,
Screams and cries and weeping wails" That might be one way I'd go about switching those two lines with the punctuation marks and different words. The beat sticks and we feel like the next line makes sense after the first one. Plus, I like alliteration so it helps keep the read smooth.

I like the horror vibe you had going. Imaginary friends vs demons. That supernatural touch is intriguing because I feel like we can view this in two ways. One, there's an actual demon. Or two, the main character is hiding his inner demons from the other person(s) like Kelly. Disbelieve should be disbelief by the way. Sorry, minor tangent comment on a typo. Anyway, like I said, I liked that dynamic and thought process. It's like he is fighting what's inside of him. A monster/demon growing, the murderer inside the child. After all, some of the worst killers in history started as innocent children. This is a cool concept, but the material isn't there yet. Take a look at the dynamics of the characters, take a look at punctuation and spelling to catch your typos, and re-think the flow. You might not need a rhyme scheme.

[maissa]

Thank you very much definitely great advices .. Helpful . i will do some editing soon because i didn't like it myself

[S. von Glaubitz]

Definitely creepy! I think it's a good start. You just need to do some editing to get it where you want it. Maybe call Kelly by name sooner? I'd love to read a revision!

[maissa]

Thank you hh .. Creepy stories and poems are not my thing . it's my first try .. I will definitely do some editing

[A.W. Carl]

Honest opinion- Some of the rhymes are a bit basic and at times it doesn't flow very well. It kind of stumbles along. But those can be fixed with time and more writing! I think the idea behind this poem is excellent and intriguing.

Keep Writing!

[maissa]

thank you i needed someone to say that .. honestly i felt it too it wasn't that good to me either