alone

a poem deep from the heart .. a way to let my negative feeling go

i m not happy anymore, i wish i could die

there are a lot of things i wanted to say

like how much sorrow i put at bay 

for my friends to be happy, i draw a smile everyday

the irony is, they can't see the tears i hold away

i m not happy anymore , i want to stay alone 

day and night i just want to be gone 

i wish they could see how much i want to be reborn 

as a person that will never be known 

i m not happy anymore, i really want to cry 

but they never see the tears rushing in my eye 

i sacrifice myself for them, but do they ever care?

i see them slipping from my hands , i m loosing them again and again 

there in the light i see them standing so far away 

one by one they're slowly walking away

and in the bind of darkness , it's my place to stay 

they're leaving me alone, "isn't that what i want?" i say 

so i slowly retreat , let them live their way 

i m finally alone , but why am i not happy anymore ?

Reviews

[Chris]

Takes the effort of both to stay friends because life takes us down diverging paths and we "grow" as we become who we are...

[TheRaven]

Technical notes first. The 'i m' should either be 'I am' or 'I'm'. 'loosing' should be 'losing.' Pay attention to your spacing and where you put the commas. The commas should come immediately at the end of the word, not spaced after it. For example: "I'm finally alone , but why am I not happy anymore ?" should be written "I'm finally alone, but why am I not happy anymore?" Keep these things in mind and always watch them.

This is direct and to the point. We all know this feeling. That sense of loneliness where we feel this hollowness. A depth in our own personal pool where our silence is drowning us and our anger at our lack of joy and happiness cannot be heard. We're having trouble wading in that deep sorrowful pool. It's like we act like we want to be alone from everything and have our peace, but the cost of that kind of loneliness is to push away those around us who can also give us those precious smiles and needed laughter. I'd prefer a more metaphorical and indirect approach to this simply because we're on a well-treaded topic and what you bring to the table has been said in much similar fashion before. However, you still have strong emotional impact. Solid work here.

[maissa]

Thank you again i always like those kinds of opinions . very helpful .. I'll keep your advice in mind .

[Shredded Cabbage]

This is very real and lived in, which is the essence of real poetry. The ribbons of night seem to have tied your thoughts to darkness and you are trying to cut their silk with questions but the questions aren't sharp enough. That's what came to mind anyway! ;)

[MAC]

a simple and honest introspective piece. nicely written.

[S. von Glaubitz]

This poem is extremely relatable. I'm not the best with poetry, but this one really resonated with me, which is what I think poetry should do. It's very honest and includes a nice turn of the repeated "I'm not happy anymore" at the end.

Grammatical notes for line 3: singular "sorrow", bey should be bay?

Should the wording of the last line be "but why am I not happy anymore?"

Great work!

[maissa]

thanks for the review .. i just noticed my mistakes thanks for the notes