Blue and You

To sit and think about who I am:

18, female, queer,

depressionanxietyfear,

times when

drunk men felt entitled to me

or times when coddling

clouds were all I could see

and

times I knew I was

a victim(?)

a survivor(?)

which one?

“not the decider”.

Barely eating a piece of bread

each day by 13

because wait my weight

mattered more than brain matter

and my weight mustn’t wait

to disintegrate

and I am a s**t because

physicality is for “them”

(but I thought that was the point of genitals?)

and I am a s**t because

my hair’s different colors

than your mother’s

and because

I am skinny and because

I am fat and 

watch my legs bend like

an acrobat because

that guy wants them to and because

that guy said so and because

that guy doesn't know better and because

dating girls was

always for that guy

because that guy has a hungry

I 

am lucky.

I have always screamed that.

I have flowers sprouting from

my skin and

a garden from within

and my daughter will too

just like all the girls I knew

and

maybe I will always be blue

but never a s**t

and neither were you.

Author's Note

photo by Emma Ginnell