Limited Context

A short story I wrote on 8/30/2011

Limited Context

Douglas Falk

 

"There were several clues, which led me to the conclusion that Mrs. Farnsworth could not have been the culprit responsible for the theft of Miss Wuthersby’s jewels, which were presumed to be in her safety deposit box."

"It sounded like you said ‘Safety Deposit Box.’ Is this correct?"

"Yes, but you see Miss Wuthersby had moved the jewels to another location unbeknownst to all but a select few of her closest friends, of whom Mrs. Farnsworth is certainly not, nor could she have extracted information from them because she is thoroughly detested by all and she was seen by Horace the Gardner boarding a southbound train to Canterbury the previous Sunday, or as he calls it: Gladiola-day."

"To open a new safety deposit box, press one or say ‘New.’ To make a payment on an existing safety deposit box-"

"Ignoring Constable Wainwright’s inane hypothesis that Mrs. Farnsworth have used an aero plane to return to Dublin on Tuesday; we are left with two suspects: Dr. Hans Brün had motive to steal the jewels certainly. His lack of funds to return to his Fatherland, gave him cause act most desperately in the past week. But despite this and his suspiciously foreign nature, he did not have the means and, I will argue the brains, to perform the deception necessary to rob the hotel or the bank."

"It sounded like you said ‘New Bank Account.’ Is this correct?"

"No, the other suspect is not Vladimir Ashkenazy, the world renowned pianist and conductor, whose claim that he was in an hour-long argument with his wife is validated by the argument that ensued after this statement."

"I’m sorry, I didn’t get that."

"No, I think that the culprit is none other than Douglas Falk, the curious mastologist, whose preoccupation with hippopotamus migration patterns always seemed ‘unnatural’ to locals in his town."

"Now speak or enter on the keypad your ten digit routing number."

"It was he who engineered the diversion in the lobby of the hotel while quietly slipping behind the counter to the safe, the same safe to which Miss Wuthersbyhad just recently moved her jewels. Miss Wuthersby, I’m afraid, trusted the wrong friend, because even though Penny Hathaway has good intentions, she was plied with sparkling wine (and later gin) by the dastardly Mr. Falk, who obtained not only the necessary location, but also the time at which the diamonds were to be moved!"

"I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Please call back during normal business hours to speak with a representative. Goodbye."

Author's Note

This is inspired by Donald Barthelme