Muffins

“What do you mean he broke up with Aubrey?” I manage to choke out. I’m in shock. There’s no way I hear her right. I know better than most that the world is not a wish granting factory, and this is one wish I’ve kept for the last year and a half, hoping for but never counting on.

“I mean, THEY BROKE UP. Apparently, it all went down last night…” Marissa continues but I can’t hear anything she says. My heart is pounding, and I suddenly have that nauseous feeling back in the pit of my stomach. Last night. Jake called me last night.

“HELLO?” Marissa is waving her hands in front of my face. “Are you even listening to me? This is big stuff here!” I grab Marissa’s hands and pull her down from standing to eye level with me.

“How do you know they broke up. Who told you?” I need to know. I have so many questions but I’m afraid to ask them all.

Marissa looks at me like I’m having a stroke. Maybe I am, my heart is racing, my palms are sweating, and I can feel the blood pumping through my veins. “Jake told me.” She continues, “Right after he came inside from bringing you your coffee and muffin. Aubrey went to grab some more cups, and he whispered it to me quickly before she came back. He doesn’t want there to be drama at work. I just told you all of that.” She looks me up and down, taking in the mess I’ve become. “Are you okay? You look like you might be sick.”

Why would Jake tell Marissa and not me? I’ve seen them talk at work a few times, but not about anything other than work or a few comments about the music playing. Marissa has never said anything about them being friends and I know she would have told me…right?

I’m racking my brain, something just doesn’t fit. It doesn’t make sense. Jake called me last night, which wasn’t completely abnormal. He’s only done it a few times and it’s usually when he doesn’t have anyone else to talk to. It’s never been about anything substantial, we just talk about work, our friends, he talks about his parents on occasion, but last night was different. Last night we talked about real things. He asked me about my dreams, who I wanted to be in life, what I wanted to accomplish. He talked about wanting to go to grad school, how he wanted to make something of himself, but how he didn’t feel like he had anyone to support him. We’ve never gone that deep. It was scary and refreshing all at the same time. I’ve never told anyone what I wanted to do with my life, because for the longest time I wasn’t sure. My teacher would ask, school counselors, therapists, and every time I would shrug and say something like, “I’m sure I’ll find something.” Or “Isn’t that what college is for?” but Jake managed to pull it out of me without even trying, without realizing the challenge he’d won.

How could we have such a meaningful conversation and he not tell me about breaking up with Aubrey or even wanting to break up with her?

And then it hits me like an ocean wave consuming my body. Everything floods in and around me. I can’t breathe, I can’t see, but my mind is as clear as it has ever been.

“Marissa.”

Marissa. He asked me, just before we hung up, if she was good to me. He wanted to know what it was like having her as my best friend. He wanted to know how we met, and how we got so close. Honesty I gave him as much detail as I could bare to say aloud, but Marissa has always been easy to talk about. He seemed so interested, but I thought it was because of me. About me.

“Marissa.” I say again, but it barley comes out a whisper. I can’t even look at her. My eyes feel like they’re burning, my throat is too dry, it feels like I’m drowning, everything is spinning.

Maybe it was because of my reaction. Maybe it was something she already knew, but never wanted to admit, like me. But in that moment, she let go of my hands, and stood back to her full height. If I look at her it’ll confirm everything, what her and I both now know.

I chance a glance at her, I need to know if she’s thinking what I’m thinking but she’s not looking at me anymore. She’s looking through the door that leads back inside. It’s a clear shot to the exact place Jake is standing.  I can’t look at him. I just look at her.

She knows.

“No.” She starts shaking her head, a little bit of panic shows in her voice. “No that can’t be right.” She knows it is.

“It’s you.” I say. It feels like vomit in my mouth, but it’s the truth. He wants her.

Not me. Her.

“He called me last night.” Marissa whips her head back to me, and I can see the glossiness that’s starting to fill her eyes. “He asked me about you. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I didn’t realize… He wanted to know how long we’d been friends, what we liked to do together. I thought he was just trying to get to know me, but I can see now that wasn’t the case. He wanted to get to know you.” My voice sounds like there’s broken glass in my throat, and I’m fighting back the tears because I know what will happen if I let them break free.

“Sam. No. No that can’t be it. There’s no way… I …” But even as she says it, holding back tears of her own, she knows this is the reality we must face now. There’s only one question I have left.

“Do you want to be with him too?”

She looks above me, past me, and closes her eyes. The tears spring free and I follow them from the brim of her lids down to her clenched jaw. That’s all I need. She doesn’t need to say it. She’s my best friend, and she wants to be with Jake too.

I stand up, not sure what I’m going to say, but I grab her and pull her into my arms. She’s my life line, all I have left, and no matter how hard this may be, no matter what happens, I can’t let this come between us.

She’s limp at first, but finally she embraces me back and squeezes me tight. We don’t say a word to each other. I’m not sure there is anything to say.

My phone beeps, my timer indicating my break is over. Great. We release each other and wipe our tears. It’s time to get back to work. Work. With Aubrey who hates me, Jake, the guy I’ve been in love with since my first day I started, who now wants my best friend, and Marissa, my best friend who wants him back. And we are all working together for the next three hours. This should be fun.

I grab the full cup of coffee and half eaten muffin off the table and throw it in the near by trash. I suddenly am appalled at the so-called kind gesture of Jake’s. I grab my phone and head back inside, making sure there isn’t even the slightest of eye contact with anyone as I make my way to the back. I should’ve looked, but I didn’t so I’m blindsided when I turn the corner and bump right into Jake. He puts his hands on my shoulder to keep me from flying backwards. Normally I would have swooned at the gesture, but now it just makes me mad. I shake him off, mutter an excuse me, and walk around him to my locker. He’s still standing there while I undo my lock and open the door. I know this because, unfortunately, I’ve trained myself to be hyper aware whenever Jake is around.

When I don’t look up he walks over to my locker, keeping a safe distance, and waits. I check my phone one last time, steeling an extra minute for myself, though no one but Marissa ever texts me. Marissa. I can’t think about that right now.

When is see there’s nothing there, like expected, I slide it into my bag and grab my apron. I slam my locker shut and turn to face where Jake is standing. I look up and he has a puzzled look on his face. No dimple, no bright shining teeth, but those damn eyes still seem to sparkle. F**k him and his sparkling eyes.

“Umm…” He scratches the back of his head, like he’s uncomfortable, and I try not to pay attention to the way his bicep flexes with his movement. I won’t lie, I take slight pleasure in the fact that he’s uncomfortable standing in from of me right now and I focus on that feeling instead of the attraction I still feel towards him.

I cross my arms waiting. It makes me feel guarded, protected, and it shows that I’m not budging. I hope he can feel the rage and betrayal as it seeps through my body like steam. Though, I’m not really sure why. I mean he hasn’t done anything wrong, really.

 No. Stop. I have every right to be mad. He played with me last night.

What is he gunna say? Is he going to ask me about her again? Is he going to tell me that he broke up with Aubrey? Either way, I refuse to speak first. My break is over and we both should be out front, but I’m not walking away if he’s not.

Finally, he puts is arms down and looks right at me. “Aubrey and I broke up. Last night.” I can tell there is something else he wants to say, he seems cautious in his words, but I’ll go with this for now.

“I know.” I try to keep my emotions shut down, other than my anger. I don’t want him to see anything that might bubble to the surface. If he knew how I felt about him, it could be catastrophic to me more that anyone.

He eyes me, looking surprised. After I told him how close Marissa and I are, does he really think she wouldn’t tell me? He opens his mouth to speak but I cut him off with the question that has been bugging me since Marissa first told me about the break up.

“Was that before, or after you called me?” I let a little distain drip from my voice. I want him to realize he doesn’t have power over me anymore. Though that may not be true, he doesn’t need to know that. Especially not now.

“Umm…” There he goes again, looking anywhere but at me, avoiding what he’s too afraid to say. I’m starting to break, and it’s getting harder for me to keep my emotions in check. I need to get out of here, right now.

“Fine.” I say as I walk around him and back to my station. He calls after me, but I can’t and won’t stop. If I stand there another minute the water works will start, and I don’t know if I’ll have the strength to shut them off. Luckily, he doesn’t touch me, it makes it easier to walk away.

I just want to go home. I need to get through the next three hours and to do that I need to put my head down and push through. Focus on work. Think about something else. Anything else.  

I keep a countdown in my head; two hours left, one hour left, half an hour, fifteen minutes, ten… “Sam. You’re off. See you on Friday.” Mark’s words give me the relief I’ve been waiting for, and I bolt to the back. I. Need. To. Get. Out. I’m suffocating, I’m hurting, and I’m going numb. Just make it to your car. Make it home. You’ll be safe there. I grab my things and head out. I don’t say by to Marissa. I can’t, not right now. It’s unusual for us not to talk before the other leaves. Usually one of the shift leads in pushing one of us out the door and threatening to make us keep working if we don’t leave. I know it will cause questions, and I feel bad leaving Marissa with that, but I need to go.

Jake is the last person I see walking out. It feels like he’s placed himself between me and the door. He’s stocking items on the shelf and I try to move past him as quickly as I can. He whips around at the last second, grabs my arm, and before I can register what’s happening, we’re face to face. My heart stops, I forget to breath, and for a brief second, he looks between my eyes and my lips. “Please, Sam. Can I call you tonight?” I’m confused, caught off guard, I’m frozen. What did he say? Why is he touching my arm? He’s so close. Blink. Think. SAM!

I jump back and Jake immediately drops my arm. I involuntarily look over and see Marissa is watching us. This is too much. I know there was a question I was supposed to answer, but right now I don’t care. I run out of there like I’m running to save my life. And in reality, I might be. I get to my car, start it, and peal out of there.

Home. Peace. Sanctuary. I just need to get home and then I can start to process all of the s**t that’s just happened.