The Home I Thought I Made…

A little allegory for life

I was cold, so very cold. Everything around me was dark, and I just wanted to find a place of safety. I wandered through the darkness until I came upon a jacket, just lying upon the ground. I picked it up, and breathed in its aroma. It smelled like a bonfire, deep and musty with a tint of mint. I tried it on, and it fit perfectly. I took it as a sign, that here was a good place, a safe place. I was still a bit cold, so I decided to build something to give me shelter. I started with a small room, and had soon build a house around me. I wasn’t even sure how I began building, but it all was so exciting, I didn’t want to stop. Then the fire started… I don’t remember if I started it, whether it was an accident or on purpose, but it ever so slowly grew. When I first noticed it, I meant to put it out or run away, but then I saw how red it was and I was enraptured. Most fires I had seen in my time were a pale red to a light yellow, but this red was the color of blood sunset. It was warm too, and I felt it touch my soul and it filled me with happiness. I didn’t put it out, I didn’t want to, so instead I just kept on building my little home.

            I got lost in it all, building and planning more rooms and structures around me. It was so exhilarating to know I had everything I needed to continue building. But those flames grew along with the house, slowly climbing the walls, and following me through the corridors. As they grew, they began spitting and hurting me. But the pain seemed worth it for the warmth it provided. I had my jacket to protect me anyway. I would sometimes get so caught up looking into the flames that I didn’t realize how dangerous they were, but then they would haunt my dreams at night, and I dreamt that my entire house fell on top of me, and I knew my jacket wouldn’t be able to protect me from that. I knew I had to do something to prevent my dreams from coming true, but the fire was everywhere, constantly beckoning for me to stay with it and to be filled with its warmth. I didn’t have the power to put it out, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to. I wished that maybe a fireman could hear my little whispers of pleas for help, but I was too deep into the place I had built. It was no longer a home, but a labyrinth, a prison that I couldn’t escape from.

            I started searching for a way out, I prayed to God that he would give me the strength I needed to escape this place I had made for myself, a pitiful cage for one. In my search, I sometimes found upper windows that led into the dark abyss outside, and I even found that there was someone willing to try to catch me if I jumped. But it was too far, I didn’t think I could make it. I recoiled back into the labyrinth, and I pulled my jacket closer, sometimes covering my face so that I could hide from the heat from the fire. But it just got warmer and warmer, and I couldn’t stay there any longer, so I kept moving and searching for a way out. I heard God through it all, calling out to me, telling me to stay close to Him. But I couldn’t find him, I felt like he was right beside me, but I had gotten myself too lost to hold onto Him and let him lead the way.

            I made so many wrong turns, and I sometimes would just sit at a stand still because I didn’t believe I could ever make it out. I took off my jacket at several points to see how I had changed, but then the fire would spit on me and hurt me more than ever, and yet the cold would seep through my skin and my bones felt chilled. I myself had changed though, I had bags under my eyes from the stress of knowing that everything I built could come crashing down on me. I didn’t realize what a burden that had been to my body, but it was a constant worry, and I couldn’t always keep it hidden inside me. I felt like a pot of boiling water, and I knew that I would eventually just boil all away.

            After what seemed like forever, I found an escape, a way into the darkness. It scared me so. I couldn’t see anything beyond my burning house, and it was so cold. I tried to leave, but I quickly retreated back to the place I had made my home. I had just wanted comfort, a place for my own that I would never have to give up. The outside was such an unknown place, and I didn’t think I was prepared to face it alone. I hugged my jacket closer to me than ever before, praying it would give me the strength I needed. I looked back at the labyrinth I had made, burning in that red light, then I looked down at my jacket. I could put it on a stick, then set it on fire to light my way into the world. I would also give me some warmth, maybe not like the jacket around me had, but it could possibly be enough. But my dear friend, the thing that had made me stop here in the first place… I didn’t want to give it up, but I needed an escape.

            I did as I had planned, while choking back tears, and then started into the darkness. I wanted to look back one more time to see the home I had made, but I knew that it didn’t matter anymore. I was going out to make a new home, one in which I didn’t get lost and was truly safe in. I could even find more people, start a family… Have a small fireplace with flames that wouldn’t consume anything but firewood. I held my lit jacket higher in the air, and I could make out a little of what was before me, and I chose a path to follow that looked more interesting than the one behind me. The darkness still scared me, for it held so many unknown things. But it excited me as well, for I knew I could discover so much more ahead of me than what I had left behind. I have hope that I will find happiness and safety somewhere out there, and it keeps me moving forward.