Grief

This is about my brother Sean’s suicide 3 days before my 12th birthday

Denial

No.

She must be joking.

It isn't even a funny joke

to play on someone.

Should I tell her?

is it rude

to correct

your mom on that?

I need her to know she

is wrong.

Sean isn't gone.

Why would she say that?

Wheres Rochelle?

She can set mom straight.

Why does she keep talking

like I can understand

a word she says?

Who is making that sound?

Like a wounded animal

the sobbing continues

and I realize

its me.

Anger

“Im so sorry about your brother.  How is your mom holding up?”

Everybody needs to apologize for some reason

‘It isn't your fault!’

I want to scream

Then they ruin it by asking about mom.

I don't mind them caring

I mind them forgetting

He Was My Brother Too.

Just cause he wasn't my son

doesn't mean its more bearable.

¡Que te valga verga!

How could he leave me to the people?

These emotion vultures

their morbid curiosity.

Cant they get through one

freaking

conversation

without mentioning Sean?

He left me.

Abandoned me.

F*****g selfish b*****d.

Bargaining

Oh, god.

I didn't mean that.

Im so sorry.

Why did Sean have to die?

Why couldn't I have died?

I would do anything�"anything�"to take his place!

The last phone call

I should have known.

It should be obvious to a sister

why didn’t I call him

just to say hi?

I stopped praying

praying for his safety.

How could I have done that?

I

killed

my

brother.

Depression

I had a dream last night

Sean and I were swimming

in that hotel pool.

I was hanging on his back

a little monkey.

Wasn't I choking him?

I wonder why he wasn't saying anything about it…

I woke up smiling

and

for one glorious second

I forgot.

Reality crushed me like a tidal wave

taking my breath.

Every morning

forgetting

was my favorite second

of the day.

I collected each of those precious seconds

hid them safely away

in a place where I could escape

when I started drowning.

I really wished people wouldn't mention him

I didn't like to cry in public

no one understood

the  involuntary tears

fell

every time I even saw that face.

The one preceding the

‘Im sorry’s and  ‘I understand how you feel’

I want to laugh at them

but laughing requires 

mirth.

Which I don't possess

inside all I want to do

is join my brother.

Acceptance

Sorry to disappoint.

I will let you know

if I ever arrive here.

My life is Musial Stages of Grief.

Mix ’n Match.

Random Grief Stage Generator.

Revolving Stages.

Sometimes all at once,

never none.

Round and round I go.

If it will ever stop 

I don't think so.