The Prophecy ~ Chapter One

      Loriel awoke in the twilight of the dawn, the pale light illuminating the room in which she slept. Careful not to wake the others she slipped out of bed, the tiled floor cool beneath her feet. Gracefully, she made her way to the outer doors and slipped outside without being noticed. Others were waking now and as she strolled across the courtyard, Loriel could see signs of the Temple coming to life. It would not be long now.
       Within minutes, Loriel was free of the Temple grounds and climbing steadily up the mountainside to her favorite spot, the wet grass sticking between her toes. This was Loriel’s own morning ritual; the fresh air, the stillness of the dawn, the communion with nature…these were the precious moments of her day.
       Loriel reached the familiar grouping of boulders and sat with her knees pulled up to her chest. She was facing the mountain peaks looming high above her, the first rays of the sun now visible. Then, right on cue, the Temple bells began to sound, heralding the arrival of the day. As the sun climbed higher into the morning sky Loriel’s voice joined those below in the songs of the Goddess. Although she was only sixteen years old, Loriel already knew all of the songs and prayers of the Daughters of the Temple. She had been born here, and raised by the Sisters, and would someday be a Priestess in her own right. In fact, the Magdalene herself had told Loriel that a great destiny awaited her. Loriel had a hard time believing that a mere orphan – a ward of the Temple at that – could amount to anything.
       Lying back onto the rocks, Loriel allowed her long brown hair to fan out behind her, and searched the skies for the Morning Star. There She was, just to the east of the mountain peak. It’s light not eclipsed by that of the sun. It was a sign that the Goddess was near and was watching over her. Loriel knew she needed all the help she could get!

 

 

 

 

       “You look like a Savage,” Ta-Mera announced as the two girls moved down to the next apple tree.
       “Do I?” Loriel smirked as she hoisted herself up into its branches. Swinging her legs around the large branch, she reached upwards again, swiftly making her way up the large tree. She was dressed in a soft brown suede tunic, the color of golden wheat, and a darker pair of brown leather leggings. Her hair was parted down the center and braided to each side. She supposed she did look the part of a Wild Man, or even a Forest Nymph, or anything other than a Priestess. She was supposed to be inside right now, reciting incantations and memorizing her prayer book, but she and Ta-Mera had struck a deal with the Cook. Now there would be apple pie for dinner tonight and Loriel would get to spend the afternoon outdoors. Picking a large apple, Loriel looked below until she had located her companion and then dropped the fruit into the large basket, which Ta-Mera held out to her.
       “Loriel,” Ta-Mera called urgently, the fear evident in her voice. “Please come down before you fall. I don’t want squashed Lor for dinner.”
       “Don’t be such a baby, Mer!” Loriel called back down, taunting her. “I know what I’m doing.” Loriel continued tossing apples down until the basket was nearly full. Her aim was improving, but the ground was still full of casualties and Loriel laughed from above as she watched Ta-Mera attempting to step around them. Swinging back down through the leaves, Loriel dropped to the ground, brushing her hands off on her pants as she did so. “We should probably be getting back,” she told Ta-Mera.
       “Gee, ya think?” She rolled her eyes. “We were only supposed to be gone an hour.”

      

 

      It was a beautiful afternoon and the girls strolled slowly back, enjoying the warm sunshine and clear blue skies. They spoke lightly of unimportant matters, just happy to be outside and away from daily chores, even if only for a short while. As they entered the courtyard from the stables, they were met suddenly by a young stranger – a young and very handsome stranger. He had curly dark brown hair, beautiful green eyes and a thin muscular body. He couldn’t have been more than a year or two older than they were.
       “Excuse me, Ladies,” he began as the two exchanged looks. Ladies? They tried unsuccessfully to suppress their giggles.
       “Yes?” They chuckled in unison.
       “Could you please point me in the direction of the High Magdalene’s office? I have an appointment.”
       “Ta-Mera, why don’t you take these on to the Kitchen,” Loriel began, handing her the large basket she currently held. “And I’ll show this Young Master the way.”
       “Oh, I don’t want to interrupt your duties. If you could but point me in the right direction…”
       “Nonsense,” Loriel interrupted. “Is that any way to treat a guest of the Temple? I will be happy to serve you. Ta-Mera can continue without me.” Loriel then shot Ta-Mera a look advising her to do precisely that.
       “If it will present no trouble,” the Stranger reluctantly conceded and Loriel elbowed Ta-Mera deftly in the ribs.
       “No trouble at all,” Ta-Mera piped up, now rubbing her side. “You two go on ahead, I’ll be fine.” Then turning to leave she whispered fiercely into Loriel’s ear. “You owe me one!”
       Smiling, Loriel motioned towards the Temple. “It’s this way, Young Sir, if you would follow me.”
       As they walked towards the Temple, the Stranger again thanked Loriel for her help.      

      “You really didn’t have to,” he protested. “But, thank you. My name is Seth, by the way.”
       “You’re Welcome.  I’m Loriel.”
       “Do you work here at the Temple?” he asked and Loriel realized that her attire had caused him to think she was a servant girl.
       “Oh, no!” She laughed, “I am a Daughter of the Temple. I will be a Priestess soon. I was just…helping out. Temple work can be so boring,” she sighed.
       “Well you won’t think so when I get through with you!”
       “Excuse me?” she stammered, eyes wide.
       “Oh,” he chuckled, realizing what he’d said had been taken wrong. “No, I’m the new Weapons Specialist.”
       Weapons Specialist? Loriel was about to ask more when she realized they had reached their destination. “Well, here we are,” she motioned nervously, unsure how to proceed next.
       “Thank you again. It was nice to meet you…Loriel, was it?”
       “Yes,” she blushed, hoping he did not notice how flushed she had become.
       “Great. Well, Loriel, I look forward to seeing you on the battlefield,” and with that he stepped in through the office doors, effectively dismissing her.
      “Well, it was certainly nice to have met you,” Loriel mumbled to herself as she hurried off to find Ta-Mera.

        “You picked the wrong day to have one of your headache’s Mer,” Loriel announced hurrying into the room. “He was there today!”
Ta-Mera sat up, arranging the pillows behind her. “Oh!” she exclaimed. “Tell me all about it.”
        Lying back onto the bed next to Ta-Mera, Loriel took one of the smaller pillows and cuddled it to her chest. “He is so cute!” she giggled. “He had us all go down to the field and he lined us up and then he started talking about how in these times it’s important for everyone to know how to defend themselves and so on and so forth. He was walking up and down the line, because he likes to pace when he thinks, I remember he told us that. Anyway, as he was walking by me I guess one of my braids was behind my back and the other was hanging down in front of my chest, because as he walked by he reached out and flipped the braid forward and then he winked at me!”
       “You are so lucky!” Ta-Mera giggled. “What else did he say?”
       “I don’t know,” Loriel continued. “I just kept watching him as he walked up and down the line. He has the most perfect teeth,” she sighed. “Really, they were so white and he has this incredible smile. Oh, and his hair! The curls were picking up the sunlight so they had almost a golden-red glow to them. They weren’t as dark brown as when we say him yesterday. Oh, and his eyes are like this brilliant blue-green, they change color depending on the light. When he walked towards me they looked green, but when he walks away they look blue.  Anyway, we’re supposed to go down to the field two days a week and work with him. He’s going to teach us all self-defense or something like that. You know what that means don’t you?”
       “No, what?”
       “That he’s going to be around a lot! We get to see him two days a week, at least! I wonder if he has a girlfriend.”
       “Loriel!” Ta-Mera scolded. “You shouldn’t be thinking about him in that way.”
       “Why not?”
      “Well for one, he’s an instructor and for another, you know that you are to be Magdalene someday. Magdalenes can’t be married, Lor.”
      “Who’s talking about marriage?” She sighed. “Besides, that’s a stupid rule. I don’t want to be shut up in this Temple for my whole life and never have any fun. Don’t you want to have fun, Mer?”
      “Of course I do. You just want to have fun with Seth.”
      “I know, he’s SO cute,” Loriel sighed again.
      “You are hopeless,” Ta-Mera giggled, laying her head down on Loriel’s shoulder. “I hope I never get a crush on a boy and go stupid.”

Reviews

[Nick Anthony]

Anne, I like this chapter very much and as an opening, I think you do well in drawing the reader in more than the prologue did. My normal reviewing style is to point out any mechanic's that I feel you need some work on. I hope these suggestions work for you.

1...Dialogue, Dialogue and tags should always be seperated from the main text. Tag, either before or after dialogue should show who is speaking or actions of the speaker before or after. Anything else added should be put into a new paragraph. Look at these examples below.

A..."Do I?" Loriel smirked as she hoisted herself up into its branches. Swinging her legs around the large branch, ...

Everything after the dialogue tag is seperate from the dialogue, so a new paragraph should start at Swinging her legs.

B... "Don't be such a baby, Mer!" Loriel called back down, taunting her. "I know what I'm doing." Loriel continued tossing apples down until the basket was nearly full. Her aim was improving, but the ground was still full of casualties and Loriel laughed from above as she watched Ta-Mera attempting to step around them. Swinging back down through the leaves, Loriel dropped to the ground, brushing her hands off on her pants as she did so. "We should probably be getting back," she told Ta-Mera.

In this one, you have at least 3 seperate actions, thus 3 paragraphs. The best thing for me to show, is just reformat it as an example.

"Don't be such a baby, Mer!" Loriel taunted. "I know what I'm doing." (in this sentence, I shortened the tag to just taunted as it is less wordy and shows exactly what the POV is doing. You also do not need to say her here, because the reader knows there are only two characters and she is not speaking to herself. This helps to keep the POV focused on Loriel instead of feeling narrated or passive.)

Loriel continued tossing apples down until the basket was nearly full. Her aim was improving, but the ground was still full of casualties and Loriel laughed from above as she watched Ta-Mera attempting to step around them. Swinging back down through the leaves, Loriel dropped to the ground, brushing her hands off on her pants as she did so. (You have several actions here that are seperate from the dialogue, even if they seem connected, so therefore, a new paragraph is warranted.)

"We should probably be getting back," she looed to Ta-Mera nodding agreement. (Ok, I changed the tag up because agents and publishers hate all the different tags. It you are going to use tags to show who is speaking when needed. She/He says, said are the preferred tags becaues they become invisible to the readers, so to speak. In this case, I used a tag that shows a bit of action from the POV and it shows that Te-Mera agreeded with her. I hate personally hate he said, she said, but its what the agents and publishers are looking for. And Baen books are turning work down at this time in which writers over use tags. So be careful on how you use tags.).

2...Active Voice verses Passive Voice storytelling. In todays publishing world, publishers and agents are looking for writers who know how to maintain Active Voice storytelling verses Passive Voice telling. Passive usually means that the writer is stepping in to tell what is happening instead of the writer showing what is happening through the POV of the scene. Look at this example below....

It was a beautiful afternoon and the girls strolled slowly back, enjoying the warm sunshine and clear blue skies. They spoke lightly of unimportant matters, just happy to be outside and away from daily chores, even if only for a short while. As they entered the courtyard from the stables, they were met suddenly by a young stranger � a young and very handsome stranger. He had curly dark brown hair, beautiful green eyes and a thin muscular body. He couldn't have been more than a year or two older than they were.

It was a beautiful afternoon...compared to what. This is passive, and its being told by someone other than the POV you started in. So you take the reader out of POV.

The spoke lightly...passive. What did they say? And again, this is being told outside of POV.

He had...He couldn't have been....Almost perfect, but it would be better if the reader knew which of the two girls was observing this.

Basically, when in POV, stay in POV. Look at every line and see if it comes from the POV you are telling the story from in any scene. Grammar choices can also lead to passive sentences, which leads to passive storytelling. Words like, as, as if, and, and then, then, which, they, they where, etc etc etc. I suggest a little book known as the writers bible to help understand passiveness. The Elememts of Style, written by William Strunk and E.B. White. The same E.B. White that also wrote Charletts Web.

Ok...I don't like to overwhelm anyone on a singel review, so what I do is give a few things to work on, or think about. I like where this story is going, but I think it could be so much more if you work on the Active Voice issues. If you have any questions, please feel free to message me. Of course, these are only my observations and others may think differently. I always suggest to writers, reviews are subjective anyway, so take what works for you and ignore the rest.

Good luck Anne
Nick.