Fit a Lifetime in Your Pocket

A Story by Mae Bee

The weekend my brother got married for the first time and the last family reunion i went to.

We crossed the state line and I felt the my windpipe closing. I looked out the window, the sun slinked into the sky. I could hear my parents laughing about not following the G.P.S. system over the music in my ipod. The rows and miles of corn fields babtised my skin.
I was going home again. Home.
"You can never go home again."
Old buildings carved my cheekbones as we passed. The hospital and the after birth. The house and the secrets, how they passed so elegantly through me. Don't for one moment think any of this will get me to cry. It is who I am. The corn laying dead under my skin, posing as veins. The old sun toasted buildings, with everyone taking and taking, the bones of my structure. Cracked and forgotten concrete stretch for miles around the Lakes, tourists drip their ice cream cones, poor neglected skin of mine.

Pulling up to the church, the sun exploded heat over my thighs, looking around I calculated I was five blocks from the house parts of me grew up in. I saw my brother through the glass walking towards us. He was wearing an Iowa Hawkeyes jersey that we had bought him for christmas, with matching basketball shorts. He had that nervous stir. I felt him exhail when we hugged. His black eyes kept blinking. Rehearsel dinner's got him all in a tizzy. We crawled to the church, I opened the door and held it for everyone. Poliet nods are awkward, I still finding myself holding doors for strangers, and family who knows me fairly better then the rest of the world.

Heather found us in the hallway. Her son and daughter trailing. Her husband sitting in the pews, I spied him whispering to my grandmother. Heather and I collided in a hug. I'm always amazed that i'm taller than her. My big sister...I picked up Tyler. Skinniest kid ever. Victoria is a dream. So pretty, so shy, so like a two year old. But boy can she smile.

I found myself walking to my grandmother and clutching her hands as I went to kiss her cheek. She said "Hello, Tara. How are you?"
I said, "Hi, grandmama, I'm just fine."
My cousin Angie and her son Jermey were there. We said our hellos.

I sat in the pews, legs crossed, eyes fixed onto the stained glass pictures of Jesus, angles, and the cross. I was hungry, felt like nothing could fill me. I could barely breathe.

Hours passed.

I'm sitting next to Heather's husband, Jamie. We're at Godfather's pizza. There are about 25-30 of us. It's so loud. I smile at my sister's and make jokes. They ask us all sorts of questions...Sarah's family. They want to know all about me. I just sort of talk and fall asleep behind my answers. I'm not sure I can be honest with them. I fake interest so I don't kill them with my apathetic nature.

Back at the hotel. David and Heather. Tyler and Victoria. My daddy, my mom, sisters.
I'm reading. I'm watching. I'm missing.
David and my younger sister's want me to go on a walk with them.
I do.
We end up at the Spencer wallmart.
My brother laughs at me. He says I dress to cool for this place.
I look down at myself and frown, I hate it when I look "cool".
That's why everyone was staring at me, cause I dressed well. ick.

My brother and I play with the music scanner thing. we basically have a mini concert of really bad music. The employees are looking at us. I'm jumping and singing loudly. He's laughing at how I move. And maybe I'm making him forget that he should be nervous because tomorrow he's going to walk down the long aisle of marriage.

We get back to the hotel by 1:30 a.m.
My parents are asleep. my sister's turn on the tv and fall asleep infront of it.
I lay in bed and wait to pass out. My breath is still out of my reach.
I think about my brother, how tomorrow he'll be married.
I pass out before I can make any sense of my saddness.

I wake up to hear my dad calling my aunt. They make plans to go visit my other grandmother, I want to ask if I can go. I love my Grandmother Clara...but I know the answer. She's too sick. She won't remember who I am. She won't remember that she used to take me shopping and buy me pretty clothes. I'm just a girl now. A girl with her middle name and her son's big round eyes.

I take a shower instead. I try not to fall over. I hate hotel showers. I towel off and dress in black and denim. I do my make up for the wedding. Bronzed eyes, dark ambers, coal around the lids. I fall back into bed and reach for Harry Potter. The time comes to dress. I go pull the skirt off the hanger, and the tops from their hanger's. I slip into them and notice with disgust that the tops make me look like i have a chest. Gross, cliche.

[Do I want to share the details of my bother's wedding?]

I cried before it started. He was just standing up there. Looking nervous and handsome. The silver and black look was nice on him. Normally I sort of look with disgust on those colour combinations, but with my biased mind...what does it matter?
The march song starts...We stand, in unison. I look at Sarah in her pretty, almost fairy cut dress. Her father's is walking her down. She's crying, he's biting back. A hot flood threatens to make me lose my cool. I bit the inside of my mouth and inhail through my nose.
"Don't start, tara.marie, don't start."
over and over to myself.
The pastor...well someday i'll tell you.

When they were pronounced Mr. and Mrs. David Barber. I cried. Not hard, just on the inside. Do I even need to say that during the whole ceremony I had started to plan my own wedding? Because, I did...how girly of me.

Iwaited for that moment. The one I was dreading. But I'm skipping ahead a bit. I hugged Sarah outside the church and welcomed her into the family. I hugged David and congratulated him. I heard his voice shake when he said thank you. I stood with my father and watched. Heather and David didn't have that moment then. I could feel it brewing though. I know them both well enough to know it was there.

My father and I were holding our change of clothes for the party. I watched my sister's running back to the church to change. I looked up at him and asked him which one of them did he think would get married first. He looked up for a bit. Then turned back to me and said
"I think you'll be the first to get married."
I smiled because i know it's true too.
I said "Yeah, i know. I can't help it."

The only highlight of the party was when I danced with my brother.
We held hands and he tried to look me in the eye but I told him not to or I'd cry. He laughed.

By the time 9 rolled around I wanted to go. I was tired. I was thinking.
I needed to pass out.
We left.
The drive left nothing but a bunch of my broken parts behind.

I fell into bed at the hotel. Reading until my eyes were strained. I passed out.

I woke up the next morning knowing I'd have to go to a family reunion. My sister was at the door her kids streaming in after her. The shower woke me but didn't make that family reunion sound any better. I dressed in the same clothes as the night before. Make up almost the same. I ate dry pancakes and waited until we were suppose to leave.

The family reunion wasn't so bad. I sat with the family I knew. I ate grapes and breads. Pastas and salads. Desserts were had and ice water was drunk. Pictures were captured. Generations gathered and made jokes to get the kind of smiles you like to laugh at in photographs. Time was that glittering wedding gown that ticks and slowly becomes unsewn.

Heather cried when I hugged her. Made sure I had her number so I can call her. She told me I could come out and see her if I wanted. I do. Just...just when i'm reading.

I hugged my aunts, my uncles, my grandparents. Everyone touched me.

I climbed into the car, drove away. I already knew what was behind me.
No need to look back.