Dear Severin

A Poem by Mae Bee

Dear Severin,
It was probably Febuary 1st when I went out for a walk.
If you'll think back, I had just moved. I hated that living room
it reminded me that I had work to do, it also reminded me of you.
(and the man you had become.)
So I pulled on my red sneakers and wrapped a scarf around my neck.
I put my keys in my coat pocket. I put my ipod in my jeans pocket.
I shoved some notebooks, books, and pens into my tan backpack.
I turned off the light and locked the door.

I don't remember what I was listening to. Probably blues
or Death Cab for Cutie. (something about the snow and Death Cab)
The sky was spitting cotton down on everything. Fat flakes got caught
on my eyelashes and melted in my hair.
I had no destination in mind.

I walked up to Dunn Bros. out of habit.
I looked in the window and saw a thousand reasons to stay out in the cold.
I crossed the street
& smiled at a couple that walked past me.
I walked around the campus. Every now and then I'd turn back
and notice that my footprints were the only things following me.
I walked into a neighborhood,
the kind with houses so close it looks like they are hugging
to keep warm.
The smoke from the houses weaved with the snowflakes.
It was some kind of Leave It to Beaver Christmas Special.
I thought about you
and your park benches.
Your philosophy books and your indifferent tongue.
I thought about the poetry I wrote for you & never sent it.
I thought about the necklaces that I now realize we'll
never be able to wear. (Our sacred third is dead.)
I thought about what it would be like to stand with
you right then, with the snow pelting down on us.
I wondered what you would say.
I wondered if your cynical tongue would melt away the drifts.
I didn't want to leave my spot infront of that warm house.
I knelt down and wrote "I miss you Severin."
Silly, you could even say stupid, but I did. I do.
But I look back,
& i know better than to think that I knew you.
(How could I? I was in love with someone else.)
I miss what you were to me.
&
I'm not sure what that was.
But it felt like you could have...
Sorry. I forget so quickly,
not everyone watches the past like a silent film.
I don't know how everything crashes so fast
when we talk.
So maybe its good we don't. (I don't believe that)
Maybe I'm naive. Or not smart enough
to put two and two together.
(or one and two, or one and one, or three minus one.)

So how do you end a letter
you didn't know you were writing?
How do you end a letter when you still have so
much to say?
How can I assume that you just dont want to hear it.
I guess it's one of things where I'm waiting for
you to tell me different.