Fallen Angel

Ah, I think this is very good. The plot could go somewhere. But, there are parts I find the flow is rather choppy. Like for instance ; She just sobbed harder and soaked his shirt.

I think it would sound better as . She continued to sob, soaking his shirt in the process.
if you use an excess of "ands" it sounds rather weird.

Also, during the part where she stumbled through the thicket and all that, I felt that you left a lot hanging. What happened to her friend?

And for the beginning, you should mention that Edward recognized her a bit. Like, make it more.. believable. Maybe you could say, his eyes softened for a moment before hardening yet again as he blablabla.. or something of the sort.

All in all, good chapter. I'm looking forward to reading more. Drop me an email once you update. ;)

Posted 16 Years Ago

The title/ description caught my attention. Is it good?

Posted 12 Years Ago

Ah, I think this is very good. The plot could go somewhere. But, there are parts I find the flow is rather choppy. Like for instance ; She just sobbed harder and soaked his shirt.

I think it would sound better as . She continued to sob, soaking his shirt in the process.
if you use an excess of "ands" it sounds rather weird.

Also, during the part where she stumbled through the thicket and all that, I felt that you left a lot hanging. What happened to her friend?

And for the beginning, you should mention that Edward recognized her a bit. Like, make it more.. believable. Maybe you could say, his eyes softened for a moment before hardening yet again as he blablabla.. or something of the sort.

All in all, good chapter. I'm looking forward to reading more. Drop me an email once you update. ;)

Posted 16 Years Ago