love and self

my experiences with how I love (I'm the worst)

love

I've never been the best at love,

often mistaking it for those tight goodbye hugs

or the desperate hello kisses

often telling myself

"this time he means well

This time, you can trust him"

often clamoring for any excuse to stay

holding on to the good times

fixating on the loving times

ignoring the worst times

often forcing myself to feel for him,

"he's sweet, he's cute, he's good to you"

"you'll never find better"

"he really loves me too"

often my mind telling me to leave it,

often my heart telling me to keep it.

often playing with emotions,

toying with their hearts,

wondering how Im the one that always feels so torn apart

often feeling affection

left behind from someone else.

reminiscing on what I don't have

or how I want something else.

often crazy for attention

but never from who's giving me it.

always thinking of another time,

spending my present missing it

never thinking of the positive possibilities 

never believing in a real chance

never accepting that one day

one guy

will really be my last

never looking too far into the future

but never enjoying the moment I'm in

often stuck in a constant loop of bad love

repeating the bad habits I'm downing in.

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems

leave thoughts

also from a journal, so also very dear to me.